Got a life, now what?

[97Hope]

He can be agitated or displeased for reasons that aren't of interest to you, and you don't have to engage him about that, or even listen to him share his opinions or feelings if you don't want to. I guess the finest art would be to listen, validate, then do as you see fit anyway without worrying too much. I'm not there, so I am going to be avoiding H.

I am going to paste this on my wall so I can rehearse it. <3

[AlisonUK]

I might need to rehearse it myself. I find it nearly impossible to be okay when I know H is angry with me. I find it impossible to be angry at him without trying to get him to stop doing the thing that is making me angry. I do intellectually accept that his angry feelings are his to deal with, and mine are mine, but to actually separate and let him do what he wants and deal with my own anger in a healthy way is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

How are you today?

[97Hope]

I think that we have been together so long (me and mine and you and yours) that their emotions become tangible. It's very difficult not to interact with it. If we try and help them, they will have an opportunity to put it back on us, so we leave them in the pig pen of their own making and wait patiently for them to realize (or not) that it is their mess, not ours and we choose not to make it ours by jumping in with them.

I'm 'ok' today. H picked at me about some charges that I will be making in the next couple of weeks. I stayed calm (yay, me!) because I had already discussed them with him, I put money in the savings, this is not a surprise to him. I realized something valuable. When he's distressed about something that he is doing, he starts picking at me. When I don't take the bait, he starts to get stirred up even more. When he acts like this, I don't miss him. I actually want to run away myself.

The lady I met at the nail salon texted back and we are having dinner wednesday. I'm glad to have a GAL this week. S17 is going to Asia for a month. I'm looking forward to not seeing H so often. While S is gone, I plan on going dark. It's time. What I have been doing isn't working (2 yrs) and I'm ready to give H a go on his own for a while. I've still been listening to him about his day (work, cows, life etc) and I think it would be better for me to not be the 'friend'.

How is your weekend? Did you do anything GAL?

[dillydaf]

Wow 2 years is a LONG time! Your son going away sounds like a good excuse to not see your H so often. It sounds like you need space, lol

[97Hope]

2 years in August I've been standing. YES. Space for 1 now please! lol He has ZERO excuses to see me. Also, H is going to be gone for 2 weeks of it and I'm going totally dark for that period. I'm actually looking forward to it.

This stuff is not for the faint-hearted.

[dillydaf]

No, it certainly isn't. He will be temp-checking like an array of digital thermometers on a pharmacy display, I'm predicting...

[AlisonUK]

Two years is a LONG time. Makes my blood run cold. Is it worth it? If you'd have known two years ago what you know now, would you just have bolted the door after him?

GAL plans this weekend were okay for me. Saw some friends on saturday morning while the kids were busy or with H, haircut in the afternoon. Saw a friend on saturday afternoon and went out for a drive and coffee in the evening with another friend - sobbed my heart out and ranted in her car, so it was probably no fun for her, but it is rare I am in that state with someone there and I needed the care. Today a dog walk with friends in the morning, then the afternoon catching up with housework and feeling morose. Bed early tonight for me I think.

[FlySolo]

Definitely not for the faint hearted ..or the weak willed.

Although going dark is a way of making them realise what life would be like without us, it is also an opportunity for you to think about what life would be like without them. Fill those two weeks with activities. Some on your own and some with others - plan a hike, go watch a play, get a haircut, have a facial, visit a spa, go out to dinner with friends.

Do stuff. You never know, you might like it.

[97Hope]

Two years is a LONG time. Makes my blood run cold. Is it worth it? If you'd have known two years ago what you know now, would you just have bolted the door after him?

It was totally worth it. No matter what happens, I feel strong, confident and am in SUCH a better place now. My kids have all commented on how they hope they would do what I have done. (They are 17,22 & 27). I can honestly say I did EVERYTHING I could. I have absolutely zero doubts that I'm doing the right thing. While I've been watching my H fly off a cliff, I didn't go with him, I didn't let it drag me down and I decided to let this experience help me grow.

I have grown spiritually, mentally and physically (well, I didn't grow physically, but I've taken better care of myself lol).

I am proud of myself without having a big ego because I didn't do this on my own. I relied on God, my friends, family and people here. I have better coping skills and I am truly ready for whatever comes next. I was not in this place 3 years ago.

If you have told me 2 years ago that I'd be sitting here in 2 years, I would have collapsed. But here I am. Taking one day at a time. That's how I get through well. When I start thinking about the future I lose my 'censored'.

[97Hope]

Hiya Fly! Is it a form of manipulation to go dark to "make them see"? That's the only thing that makes me feel a little itchy. I don't want to try and make him feel things. I have a history of that.

I do feel like the space would do me good, but more than that, I think it will make him lose his mind. I have not dropped the rope. I feel him tugging on it daily.