Remorse and contribution are good feelings because they help you to live life differently and they enlarge your capacity for compassion. They beat the self-righteousness and judgmental aspects to our characters right out of us. But guilt and blame don't.
so much YES!!! This is where I am so glad for therapy last year and bible study etc that has helped me learn the difference!!! I'm focusing on the compassion aspect rather than guilt and shame. I LIVED in complete guilt and shame before I got help.
You are right, if we operate out of guilt, we don't have good healthy boundaries. I'm still learning : /
Yesterday was very hard but good. I got a lot out of my system, and it was time for a dump.
Today had coffee with a sweet friend. She is very encouraging and the best at helping me stay focused. Tomorrow I have a spa appointment! I'm so excited. Finally decided to spend some money on myself. Not something I'm used to to this extent. Working has its perks!
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Will any of this affect what you actually do rather than just how you feel about it?
It gives me perspective and compassion, but what I do is (my best!) to operate outside of emotions. What lead to me leaving back then was 100 percent emotions. So I have learned that the hard way.
What I will actually do is continue to take one day at a time. You know that's difficult, but when I get ahead of today I get emotional and make big plans that aren't actually what would be best for me long term.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I'm learning a lot from you 97Hope - including how when I thought I've been acting out of compassion, I've actually been acting out of guilt. I think it will take longer for me to heal and forgive myself, and when I do I will be better at protecting myself from behaviour that I need to learn, deep in my heart, that I don't deserve. I have a feeling the marriage I have, as it stands, only exists because he's angry and I'm guilty. When that dynamic is gone, what is left? I am afraid that there's nothing left, and that's another thing that's been preventing me having good boundaries. It is so so so difficult. I do feel like I am growing just reading your posts though, so keep it up. There's something good coming out of your troubles, at least - just a small thing - but I for one am grateful for it.
Taking one day at a time is key to this whole thing, I think. Getting to either R or D is a huge emotional mountain to climb so taking small steps and not looking too far ahead is difficult but worth doing. Um, my mountain metaphor just fell apart there because I'm scared of heights, lol.
I have a feeling the marriage I have, as it stands, only exists because he's angry and I'm guilty. When that dynamic is gone, what is left?
I'm going to say this as gently as possible, because all of us are going through the mess, but something my therapist told me (and it made my blood run cold) was "your M is dead". He didn't stay there. He said that there is always hope, but that it couldn't continue in the state it was in (because of very similar reasons that you and your H are/were in).
That hurt to hear, but when I started accepting it, I realized that he was right. My M was DEAD. Gone. And I could embrace that and let it hurt and grieve it (I still am in the process of grieving the old!!) and stand for the M that I want. This is where I hope for H to want the same. I was clinging to our old R and it was not good. It wasn't as bad as he was making it out to be, but we could have something amazing. However, we BOTH have to do the work on ourselves. Was it you or Alison that said Marriage = PhD and H is still at A levels?? lol So I accept where H is now. He may/may not want to return to me and to a new MR, but any relationship (please let it be him!! lol) cannot be what we had. I could not stay where I was. I wanted a savior and there is only one Jesus.
None of this is easy. I pray that God uses this mess for something good, beautiful even. That is something I can definitely not be scared to hope for. It's His promise to me.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
You are very wise, and it is okay not to be gentle. I think I've been through worse this year, and even this last week!
I can't stay where I am either. And what you are saying about Jesus chimes very closely with something my IC told me today. I am not Christian but I do have faith - and my IC is a spiritual director as well as a trained psychotherapist. She said that I'd put H in my heart in the place where God should be and that there would never be a good marriage or a happy aftermath of a divorce if I didn't take him out of that place. I agree. I don't know how to do it yet.
I'm up for that. So long as it's a dog-friendly pub that doesn't mind a tee-totaller sneaking in wearing her muddy hiking boots, filthy jeans, tomato-sauce stained hoody and stupidly expensive lipstick (ha!)
