Got a life, now what?

[dillydaf]

lol, you and your muddy dog and expensive lipstick, you crack me up Alison

[FlySolo]

You three make me laugh. Even in the sadness there is humor and compassion and a kind of sisterhood. I remember some days journalling, small silent tears running down my face, and DV or Yorkie would respond with something funny (king douche bag of douche bag land comes to mind) and I would find myself unable to stop giggling or with something simple like "your H is an idiot" and even though it doesn't seem like much, those words meant the world to me.

Hope - your therapist is correct. My M was dead. It was dead because it was broken and it had been broken a long time. The need to escape was probably building up inside my H for well over a year. That need was probably building up inside me too. If we had known earlier, it could have fixed it, but instead we pushed it down, letting it seethe and grow inside us. Once my H made the decision to go, he was always going to stay gone, because no matter how much he wants to come back, he is still afraid that things haven't changed, we will be back to where we were, but this time he won't have the courage to leave again. Clarity comes after the fact, never during.

That does not mean there is no hope for us. There is always hope. But in the meantime you need to live as full a life as you can. Fill it with things that make you happy. If you don't know what those things are, then try everything until you do.

The cake eating thing is a difficult one. It is only cake eating if you have some expectation that your 'niceness' will somehow bring them back. That your kindness will be reciprocated. It won't. The only thing that will make them start being kind and compassionate back is if you set boundaries, and even then it isn't guaranteed. Be nice for you. Be kind and compassionate because these are good qualities to have. Lead by example, but don't expect to be followed.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Holy hell. I think I'm the poster child for how NOT to DB. Without being too graphic, I was out in the barn finishing up when H pulled in. I could tell right off that it was going to be a fun night together. I can't explain it, but i can just tell. Anyway we have a great time together running around the property getting some much needed small chores done and H says "I was going to bring you dinner to cook for you, but I got held up. Do you want to go eat Mexican?"

S17 left yesterday. My expectations were that I wouldn't see H, or if I did he would be all weird and distant. This threw me, pleasantly.

We had a BLAST at dinner. I mean we talked like it was 'us'. We both laughed and joked and it was just a breath of fresh air.

On the way home, he told me that he accidentally told his mom about his apartment, and I gave him heck about it "Why the heck didn't you lie??" (laughing) told him that she had called me and I just listened to what she had to say etc. anyway, he comes in the house with me and we have an amazing cuddle on the couch.

So much for going dark. I've found that when I try and come up with a plan, a better opportunity shows up. He mentioned me moving on and I told him that I'm not doing that right now. Temp check? A part of me would like to be tepid, but he's fragile right now. So I am probably failing at DB techniques, but I also know this man and even though he has been possessed by an alien, I ran down my options and feel like I made the right move for today.

[AlisonUK]

Gosh 97 - that's a change. I think if you're okay, and not harbouring resentment or building expectations, then you're taking care of yourself well enough. Your love for your husband - even in his fragility - is shining through. It sounded like he treated you well last night, and you were able to enjoy the bond and friendship that still exists between you for a little while. I've had similar moments with H and I know how totally impossible they are to close the door on.

Perhaps it's also a lesson to me in bad expectations. I expect a lot of #$%^ from my husband, and sometimes I get it, and sometimes I wonder if it's my expectation of how he will react that helps to bring it on (he's responsible for his behaviour, of course). I remember explaining to Dilly about how the situation with H and Eldest gets heated, with both H and me both pre-over-reacting - and at the time she found it pretty funny (me too) but I managed not to do that the week I was away, and it turned out they were fine with each other and, fingers crossed, it seems it's been a real thawing in their relations. I didn't expect that, I expected much worse.

So hard though. I think a lot to do with having expectations is about control. If I expect the worst, I can protect myself from it. If I expect the best, I can do something to make it happen. Perhaps expectations die away as detachment builds. From how you describe your night with H, it sounds like you hit that sweet spot of being able to enjoy what was there with no expectations, and keep your detachment from whatever emotional mess he's in himself right now. I envy that. Do you give workshops?

[dillydaf]

Interesting stuff about expectations, for me when I've had expectations it's almost like H has gone out of his way to confound them. Does he sense my positive expectations and push back against them?

Well, that sounds lovely, 97Hope, I'm actually really jealous. What I wouldn't give for a cuddle on the sofa right now. Do you think he was behaving this way because he thought you WERE moving on? Maybe you'll never know. Keeping things light and fun sounds like a nice way to be for now though, as long as he doesn't now pull back, that seems to be my H's modus operandus. Be miserable and not very pleasant one day, text me a lot the next day, text nothing the following day. Push and pull, keeping me dangling just the right distance away.

[97Hope]

Ya'll it WAS a good night. And that's where I leave it. Had fun, enjoyed my old friend, don't know when/if I'm going to see him again. End of.

So something I found myself doing (for most of the M) was that I would temp check HIM and then respond (actually react) with what I thought was accordingly. But now (this was my #1 - 180) I check MY temp and respond (not react) according to ME. It's amazing and h as told me how attractive my happiness is and when I've had a bad day he has been comforting. I'm just honest as soon as I see him i.e. "I've had a rotten day, so I might be a little quite". He comes up and gives me a hug, asks if I want to talk (I've learned I need to process things before I talk to him so I usually say, "no, but thank you so much") This works for us because it's different then how I've handled my emotions in the past.


Expectations are only to be had for ourselves in our sitchs. IMO. When I keep them at zero for H I am only pleasantly surprised or not surprised at all.

H told me one day that he wasn't always moody because of me when I asked him if he was ok. I always like to think that it's about me lol but it isn't. Taking the pressure off of myself has been helpful.

Alison - I just read that about your H and eldest. Pre-over reacting has never been helpful for me and I could have earned a gold medal in it!! I've been reading a TON on reacting vs. responding. Super helpful in life not just in DBing. It's felt empowering not reacting all the time.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

I had laser hair removal done today. without going TMI, I'm just gonna say that if he still files for D from this girl he is a fool!! ; )

Thought about you today, Dilly & Alison. Praying for your situations, and thankful for the place here to go through this 'together'. Feel not so alone since we've connected.

[dillydaf]

lol at the hair removal! I love the being empowered by not reacting. Someone on here who Red talks about drinking the STFU smoothie, and I think about that quite a lot when I want to send a text to my H. Being impulsive is not helpful in our sitches! The other thing which people say quite often about DBing is that sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do, also true. I also love the bit you said about having expectations for yourself but not your H, that is very wise.

[97Hope]

Journaling,

Work colleague came over from the UK to our office on Monday. He was GORGEOUS and funny and we had an amazing day at work. Laughed our heads off and worked well together.

Everyone was going out last night and I was going to go, but I felt a shift and I decided that it was not a good place for me. I was enjoying his attention in a way that would not lead to good things. While I don't think either one of us would have crossed a line, I just knew that I was looking into attention too much.

Felt a little embarrassed that a fun day at work with a handsome man did so much for my confidence, and then I reminded myself that I am 1. Human 2. Still a woman. So I went to bed with my laptop and watched comedy until I fell asleep.

I should mention that this is the first time in 15 years that I have genuinely found a man attractive other than my H. It was both scary and also let me know that if this doesn't work out, I'm not doomed to spinsterhood for life. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but I've just been a little scared that I won't ever feel about anyone the way I do my H and that can be sad and scary.

Birthday party for H's cousin on saturday. H will leave town tomorrow for 2 weeks. I want to go, but no one knows our sitch and I don't know if I want to 'pretend' anymore. Scratch that, I don't want to pretend, but I also don't want anyone to know (from his family). Only 2 people know and they don't know much of anything.

On one hand I feel disloyal to them for not being honest, but on the other hand, I'm trying to respect boundaries.

Who knows what I will decide between now and then. Today, I'm going to enjoy my day off!! It's not hades hot so I'm going to get some things done outside.

Hope everyone is staying strong.

[Traveler]

I feel silly writing this on a divorce-related forum, but what an upbeat and hopeful story! You sound like you've made choices that will make your life fantastic whatever H decides.