Going dark is only a form of manipulation if that is your reason for doing it. It is also full of expectations on how you expect him to react. To be honest, after 2 years, 2 weeks of going dark is unlikely to make a dent. He will see it as you being sulky. He migjt temp check but after the first week of no response, he will sulk.
But you need to do this for you.
Reframe it - you are taking time for you, to get to know yourself better within the context of you without him. I bet aftet two weeks of putting him at the back of your mind, you will be lighter.
There are definitely things that I am still working on that wouldn't be good for any relationship such as doing things to get a response, or acting in certain ways because of where H is. That's why I want to be sure of my own motives. As far as H is concerned, he will definitely have his thoughts on why I'm doing it (has an opinion on absolutely everything) and it's usually because he thinks poorly of me, so I try very hard to leave him out of the equation.
When one goes dark, is it possible to not respond at all to texts? I also don't want this to be an issue with court coming up. That I'm not a good co-parent. So if I only respond to kid things I think I'll be ok.
He will fight dirty in court, so I'm cautious of that, while still doing what I need to do to lighten my own load.
Basically, what I'm asking is, what should I ignore completely and what should I respond to and how? I've been a good friend these past years and not quite sure where to start.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I think the advice for going dark is to respond to texts about childcare and finances if your spouse asks a direct question. Then you answer the question. You're not making them think you've gone missing, you're just taking away all the parts of the relationship that are about friendship, love, family etc, not letting them know anything about your inner world or social life, and keeping it 100% business only. Talk to him like you'd talk to your accountant, in other words.
Accountant. Perfect. That, I can wrap my brain around. Thanks for the advice, Alison.
Journaling:
I had a meltdown today after a dental appointment. In 2005 I left my husband and 3 boys for another man. I drove by the apartment I stayed at during that time. It all kind of hit me at once how out of my mind I was and how horrible I was to my sweet family.
Remorse fell on my head like bricks. I cried and screamed and just let it all out. I think for the past 14 years I just kind of stuffed it. When I left H, he was devastated. It came to mind that he must have felt like I did in the first couple of months. I don't feel like I have this coming, but I do have a view from the other side. I truly was out of my mind back then. It took about 8 months for me to come to my senses. I had moments of remorse, but not like today. H and I got back together, but I don't think we every truly dealt with it all. We just kind of moved forward like nothing happened. I think today was good for me. I could feel the weight of it, and it is a part of why H and I are here, but I'm learning that instead of hanging myself on the rack for it, I can use it as a way to have compassion for others. H particularly, but others, too.
Have read "the hiding place" by Corrie Ten Boom and she talks about God only giving us what we can handle as we can handle it. I believe that. I believe that today I have an opportunity to work through something from my past that I did and heal.
After dental appointment and crying jag, I'm exhausted. Nap and then taking the rest of the day off to spend time outside. It's a billion degrees out but it's gorgeous.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Wow, that sounds like a long time to stuff that big an event down. But yes, you can definitely see the other viewpoint now! You weren't in your right mind and neither is he. But you came back, remember that. Can you remember how your H behaved back then? I'm thinking it wasn't any one thing which he did or said which made you come back? It kind of puts into perspective all our worries about what effect we have on them, doesn't it?
Ok. I've actually been thinking on that this afternoon.
He had a bunch of pictures blown up and put into frames (of me and us, wedding etc) He played a song for me in the car one night, he didn't give up in the beginning. He still sent me flowers on our anniversary AND he told the OM that he was going to fight for his marriage.
At the time it made it harder to ignore him and his feelings, but it didn't change my self-centeredness. Honestly, I didn't care about anything buy my "happiness" at the time.
It got to where the more I was with the OM, the more I missed my H and realized OM was NOT my H and I grew to resent him for it (the OM). The thought of him for a very long time disgusted me. he played me and I ate it up.
The things that didn't help me (I'm not blaming H here, just being honest) -
-he started dating. That did NOT make him attractive to me. It made me think I had made the right choice.
-the friends I surrounded myself with at the time were HORRIBLE. They said a lot of "you deserve to be happy" "you have 2 great choices" "kids are resilient" etc.
-he didn't really change. we got back together, but he still did all the things that made me want to leave in the first place.
-we went on our first date and he complained that I wasn't sitting close to him. I know now that he was hurt, but I wish he could have been patient with re-entry. I was so freaking confused and that set us back another 6 months. I went flying back to OM and hated everything about my new life.
I respect the hell out of him for standing in the beginning. I realize that he just couldn't do it for very long, and that helps me stand now.
What I learned. The thing I want to take away from today is that I wanted him to love me where I was. That's what I'm doing for him. Not because I think I deserve this after what I did to him. And that is not what he is doing now. I'm certain he isn't paying me back. But I know that confused, scared feeling of not knowing what to do and for as long as I can, I'm going to love him, even if its quietly from afar because that's what is right now.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
I'm wordy tonight. What made me come back was all of it. Our history, our boys, our life. All of it. When I finally FINALLY stepped out of my emotions, I was able to really see the picture of US.
Songs killed me. Sometimes I would cry for hours and want to go home so bad, and I remember calling him saying I missed him and he said "just.come.home". But i didn't. I thought I had gone too far and done too much. Again, it was like my brain was broken. Not an excuse, but man I was messed up. I don't even recognize that girl anymore.
ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19
8/17-BD IHS: 1/17-2/19 D FILED (ME): 7/19 D FINAL: 10/20 M23 T25 OW CONFIRMED: 01/21
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
This is really interesting and insightful. I'd imagine that your H probably has a whole different way of operating from you, but there will be elements here which are similar between the two situations. That comment about being confused and scared, I'm pretty sure that applies to all WASes. Also, the bit about having gone too far and having caused too much damage, that's the whole paving the way back part right there.
Will any of this affect what you actually do rather than just how you feel about it?
Ah 97Hope - don't beat yourself up. Remorse and contribution are good feelings because they help you to live life differently and they enlarge your capacity for compassion. They beat the self-righteousness and judgmental aspects to our characters right out of us. But guilt and blame don't. You're in a hard place. Was your H ever willing or able to hear what was wrong in the marriage that contributed to you wanting to leave it? Were you able to figure out what was wrong in you that led to you making some crazy choices?
I know one of the reasons I've put up with so much from my H is because I know I've really hurt him. That I was one of the few people he let behind his defences, and I didn't treat that as sacred, I neglected and ignored it. I didn't let him be delicate and vulnerable because I needed him to be strong. It was wrong of me and it really really hurt him. The guilt of that makes me put up with things I shouldn't have done - that harmed me and our kids and probably harmed him too. I don't know how to stand and love him from afar while feeling remorse and contribution and compassion and ALSO not tolerating the way his anger leads him to treat me. I don't think he knows either. I'm really not sure I can any longer, for my sake and for his. I often wonder if the kindest thing in my situation is to force him to let go of me. Who knows? Your post has given me lots of food for thought. You're not the worst!
