Midlife wife crisis7

[Wolfman]

I am still torn about that. Moving back in. I go back and forth with it. I am weighing the pros and cons on that one. I have given her everything and she still has this sense of entitlement. You all were so right about not being able to nice her back. That Mr. Niceguy thing has not done a damn thing. And now I am living just with my handicapped mom because my dad ran off with her live in aid. He left me to take care of her!! What a piece of garbage my dad is!! Trying to help her, but I still have my emotional breakdowns.

[Wolfman]

Yesterday my w text me that the filter on the pool was not working. She asked if I could check it out and that her dad has been working his butt off trying to take care of it. So, I told her I would be over later. I knew what was wrong with it but I was not going to fix it. I was more happy about going to see my kids and make it look like I checked out the filter. When I got there I had to laugh. She said her dad was busting his butt outside, now I see why. He cleaned out my shed cleaned up some of the garbage around here the property. Took the cover off the pool and was trying to hook up the pool filter. Reason I said I had to laugh, that is what I do every year, yet anytime I would say I have to do those things she would say what’s the big deal. But now that her father is doing it he is busting his butt. Also, her mom vacuumed the floors cleaned the kitchen counters, stove and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. When I checked the pool motor it wasn’t turning on. I know how to fix it, they don’t know that so I said it sounds like the motor is dead. When i told my w, it’s like she got annoyed at me. She said of course it is but with such an attitude. Her dad was like let’s go and get a new motor. Meaning he was going to pay for it. Look I know that is their d, but man do they enable her. Cleaning the inside of the house, the outside of the house, paying for things for her. So of course right now d looks easy for her because mommy and daddy will run and help her with everything. Meanwhile my dad takes off and I am taking care of my handicapped mother. The reality of her new life will never kick in because her parents will do everything for her. Again, I know I have no control over that just stating a point. I know they will always stick with their d, but it’s just funny how her parents told me twice, they don’t know what she is doIng, that she must be going through something mentally. But then and go enable her. Anyone else go through this where the family enabled the d? Her parents just keep her in fantasy world, kinda like I did all those years that she really didn’t have to do anything. She is more like a double whammy, narcissist going through midlife crisis. She would always say I can’t ask my parents for help, I can’t bother them. But now she doesn’t have me doing everything so now she will use her parents.

[AnotherStander]

Someone tell me when it starts to get easier?

It's different for each person but generally about a year post-BD is when most people are getting accustomed to their "new normal" and becoming OK with it.

We have an alarm on the house with a doorbell camera. Yesterday she took away my access. So I can no longer see who rings the doorbell or approaches the house. I know I don’t live there anymore but I am still paying half the bills.

You've chosen not to move back. As part of that you have to respect her privacy as you would expect her to respect yours. Paying the bills is a separate matter, doesn't have anything to do with privacy.

I love how she feels how she can pick and choose what she wants and doesn’t want. Like me paying half the bills but then takes me off of that.

You are the one that made the decision to move out, and you are also the one that made the decision not to move back. I understand you are mad and frustrated but you need to accept that you are the master of your own destiny.

I know she can do what she wants but there is such a double standard. When I have the kids, I have the kids. I don’t get a babysitter and go out. Yet again, she took the kids to her parents house so she could go out. Now if I did that, went out on the night I had my kids, she would flip out.

Who cares? If you want to get a sitter and go out then do so. You're only married on paper, she can't control you. If she doesn't like you going out, well that's her problem, not yours.

Look I know that is their d, but man do they enable her. Cleaning the inside of the house, the outside of the house, paying for things for her. So of course right now d looks easy for her because mommy and daddy will run and help her with everything. Meanwhile my dad takes off and I am taking care of my handicapped mother.

Wolf, I'm detecting a lot of anger and resentment in you. I get it, your situation is extremely frustrating. But you've got to work on letting go of the resentment because it will prevent you from the very detachment that you so desperately want. My XW got a huge inheritance right after our D, between that and the D settlement she was debt-free, set herself up in a nice house and travels all over the country doing fun stuff. Do I resent that? No, MY situation is 100% under MY control, she is not responsible for my life, my debt, my problems. I am responsible for those. I'm actually HAPPY for her that things worked out well for her, why? Because I love her and want nothing but the best for her despite what happened between us. You need to get there too. You're trying to build everything your W says and does into some ugly conspiracy against you. It's not, she's just done with you and moving on. As difficult as it is, you need to do the same.

I know they will always stick with their d, but it’s just funny how her parents told me twice, they don’t know what she is doIng, that she must be going through something mentally. But then and go enable her.

They are HELPING her, not enabling her. She's going through a difficult time and they are there for her. That's what good parents do.

[Wolfman]

AS you bring up a lot of good points. I do have a lot of anger. Part of that is not having any control over our relationship. That she decided we are done and that was it. That I had no say in it. I know I can’t hold her prisoner and I think LH has said why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want me? That is a great question. For me, I know my w is
going through something, again I think a MLC. And that when she works through this emotional mess inside of her she will realize what a mistake this is. When will she realize? I don’t know maybe never. So I get stuck at times thinking we can work this out and make it work better than ever.
The other part of my anger is her parents. I know it’s their d and we would do anything for our kids. But if they were not financially well off, I think she would have thought about the situation. Her parents just throw money at problems and not get to the root. For my w when things get hard she just runs from the problem instead of dealing with it. So they are enabling this run away behavior. The pool filter wasn’t working so guess who paid for a new one? Her parents. The house was a mess, guess who cleaned it, her parents. She is acting like a spoiled teenager.
So yes I am frustrated and angry. Last part, the other day I was there picking up my kids and my w asks, “why you so tan, where have you been?” I said just outside a lot. I would never ask her where she has been but she feels the need to ask me.

[ballast]

Been there, done that.

Bottom line Wolf you are still in your process towards recovering. I recognize much of what you said as months 4-6 of how I was in my sitch. As has been said you have no control over her. The frustration of feeling hopeless about your MR ending and being unable to do anything about it has you feeling as you are now. Also yes her folks are going to help her out. Whether they agree or not with what she's doing, they are going to help her as she is their child.

None of this means anything to you. The longer you focus your attention on the MR you can't fix and how she is, the longer it will take you to get to focusing where you properly should be, on yourself and your life!

Let her go, let the relationship go...the simplest yet hardest thing you MUST do is LET IT ALL GO!

Nothing else matters now but your life, your kids and your future. Period. Move forward.

-B

[AnotherStander]

So I get stuck at times thinking we can work this out and make it work better than ever.

Well that is an option! But you have to let go first. Until you can really let her go and move on and be happy without her she's not going to want you back.

The other part of my anger is her parents. I know it’s their d and we would do anything for our kids. But if they were not financially well off, I think she would have thought about the situation. Her parents just throw money at problems and not get to the root. For my w when things get hard she just runs from the problem instead of dealing with it. So they are enabling this run away behavior. The pool filter wasn’t working so guess who paid for a new one? Her parents. The house was a mess, guess who cleaned it, her parents. She is acting like a spoiled teenager.

But Wolf, why does that make you angry? I think it makes you angry because your perception is that she might want you back if she couldn't take care of the pool and yard. But ask yourself if you really want to get back together with her because she needs a gardener and pool boy. Just be happy they're stepping in and that you don't have to bear half or all of those costs. You are LUCKY that they are stepping in! It takes a lot of the potential financial burden off of you.

So yes I am frustrated and angry. Last part, the other day I was there picking up my kids and my w asks, “why you so tan, where have you been?” I said just outside a lot. I would never ask her where she has been but she feels the need to ask me.

GOOD! You want to be a little distant and mysterious. You want her wondering what you've been up to.

[IHCLACS]

^^^^ Exactly what Ballast said Wolfy. Same time frame, same struggles, same circumstances. I know I'm one to talk, but once you truly decide that you are fed up, that the emotional investment in the M, the stress, the arguments, cheating, manipulations, misunderstandings, etc, etc just isn't worth getting worked up over any more, and you are willing choosing to be, and feeling indifferent. You are going to feel wonderful. You're logic is going to kick back in, you will make more clear cut decisions, you are going to have an "Office Space" moment, where you just don't care, and your focus will shift back to you, your present, and your future. The regrets, the guilt from the past will not matter, and neither will she.

Lets simplify this. It is nothing more than the dissolution of a business contract with W. I have heard all of you're stories, been talking to a few guys at work, and they're saying the same exact things. I've finally hit that point of "why do I even want this in my life?" By all means, deal with the feelings and thoughts as they come up, but don't compulsively try to troubleshoot them in your own head. It doesn't change their decisions, and you are only spinning your wheels and making yourself more emotionally volatile as a result. Trust me I know... Lol.. Choose logic and what is right for you and your kids every step of the way, without trying to convince or BS yourself and the volitilty will just disappear. Im not taking any more calls, or texts from W. Email only, and only mutual agreements, terms, and conditions. That's it. Im saving or putting aside my emotions for people who are deserving of it. They are obviously not who you think they are to you any more. So why treat them as such?

[Wolfman]

Ballast what you say makes a lot of sense. I need to let go. Some days I am there others I am not. That feeling of letting go just needs to be more consistent. You comment about letting go of the relationship is the easiest hardest thing to do is so right. I keep telling myself it’s over let go and move on. My emotions bring me back there.

AS I don’t want to be her pool boy, gardener, or house keeper. I want to be her husband. Let me explain my anger a little more. She never appreciated all the work I did around the house, inside and out. She would always down play it like it was no big deal. And say things like why do you have to do that today? Let’s go out. Or why does it take you that long to open the pool? By me doing those things she thought I didn’t want to spend time with her and in turn she thought I didn’t love her. So, if she would have to do those things she would see that they are things that need to be done and it takes time. That she would look back and realize it wasn’t a lack of love for her but a sense of responsibility. That certain things had to get done aroundo the house and by me doing it was also saving us a lot of money. That everything I did was to better the family, whether it be financially, emotionally or physically. So by her parents doing it she won’t understand the responsibility and how I sacrificed with the hopes of bettering the family. That if she does it she will see how hard or long some of those chores are. And if she is going to do it and have to hire someone how much money I was saving us by me doing the work. I hope this makes more sense now why I am angry that her parents help her so much. They take away her seeing what I did.

IH I want to hit that point where it doesn’t phase me. Trust me I don’t now like feeling this way. By the way I love the movie office space. I hope I get to that point to, just like Peter did in he movie. He just worried what was best for him and that was it. That is a perfect scene when he answers the phone and his girlfriend is yelling at him and he just hangs up. I don’t now want to be rude to my w but just reach that point where it’s no big deal. I felt like I was getting there but this burden of taking care of my mom is really weighing me down. I didn’t watch the video yet. When I do I will comment on it.

[AnotherStander]

She never appreciated all the work I did around the house, inside and out. She would always down play it like it was no big deal. And say things like why do you have to do that today? Let’s go out. Or why does it take you that long to open the pool? By me doing those things she thought I didn’t want to spend time with her and in turn she thought I didn’t love her. So, if she would have to do those things she would see that they are things that need to be done and it takes time. That she would look back and realize it wasn’t a lack of love for her but a sense of responsibility. That certain things had to get done aroundo the house and by me doing it was also saving us a lot of money. That everything I did was to better the family, whether it be financially, emotionally or physically. So by her parents doing it she won’t understand the responsibility and how I sacrificed with the hopes of bettering the family. That if she does it she will see how hard or long some of those chores are. And if she is going to do it and have to hire someone how much money I was saving us by me doing the work. I hope this makes more sense now why I am angry that her parents help her so much. They take away her seeing what I did.

I understand what you are saying, and that would make sense IF she were thinking rationally and logically. But she's NOT!! And that is where your thinking is a bit off the rails. You are dealing with someone that does not make sense. If her parents were not involved and she had to do those things herself, then guess what, she either would do them and think "this is really no big deal, I don't understand why Wolf made such a big production out of it" (even if it took her all day, because her goal is to make you out to be wrong) or she would get you to do them, or get an OM to do them, or just not do them at all. But regardless of the path, SHE WOULD NOT LEARN A LESSON. At the end of the day, it is NOT going to make her think "Oh wow, Wolf was working a lot harder than I realize, he's such a catch, why am I letting him go?" You have got to quit trying to apply logic and reason to this, it doesn't work! What does work? Detaching. Letting go. GALing. Getting to the point where you don't CARE if her parents are helping her or how much or in what form. MAKE THAT YOUR GOAL. She's got to sort her issues out on her own, there is nothing you can do to speed the process but plenty you can do to slow it down.

I hope I get to that point to, just like Peter did in he movie. He just worried what was best for him and that was it. That is a perfect scene when he answers the phone and his girlfriend is yelling at him and he just hangs up. I don’t now want to be rude to my w but just reach that point where it’s no big deal.

Exactly right. Peter is a little too extreme, you don't want to get to the point where you sleep until noon and don't answer when your boss calls for obvious reasons. But if you can get part way there, "well that would be greeeeat"

[IHCLACS]

Wolf. The part about the chores, division of labor, the "why do you have to do that today, let's go out" Me not finishing things because of it or work travel to make $ to pay bills, take care of S1 and mortgage. All throughout the M she never got it because she never had to do it. Only helped me with fall cleanup and yardv work I can count on one hand in 7 years.Too busy with social gatherings, house parties, friends, families, the couch, the reality tv shows, her phone, Facebook, Candy Crush, etc.But she always liked to complain about it when it wasn't finished and always wondered why I was anxious, and pre-occupied, and not present at some social gatherings. That's another thing. I would miss like two social occasions a year to work around house, and she would exaggerate it in her mind that I missed 75% of them. There was no consistency on her part to do two weekends socializing, and two weekends working taking care of responsibilities each month. She would emotionally manipulate me into attending functions, ehen I actually did want to go, but I also wanted to put priorities first. She would always consider me "off doing my own thing" while I was actually working, and she was sitting on her fat @$$. Yes all the work I was putting in was saving us a lot of $$$

Now adding the custody split schedule of S1. I have even less time to give things my undivided attention to work on. Not yet I even want to. I have no incentive to because she is selling. But that's what she wanted.

Ironically now that she is motivated to sell, she is hiring all these moving people, landscaping people, and other repair people and it's costing her thousands. Money is coming from parents, help is coming from family. I say F@$! HER! Let her learn the hard way. Im not lifting a finger. The F@$!ing pool can stay black all summer for all I care. Me not finishing things because of her social stuff is a part of what led to the demise of the M over 7 years, because in her mind, no one else in the world has these issues. When her parents didn't have money. I reakuzed why they were always broke. Because they never did anything themselves, they always hired out, and always helped their kids with $$ with student loans, college, marriage, etc. I get that is what good parents do.

So me not getting to things was a big and intentional F @!! You to her, so last week I validated, more like invalidated "if that's how you feel" She doesn't get she was part of the creation of the division of my time through out the M, its all my fault, blah blah blah ...I really don't GAF anymore..,lol.. I'm not having discussions with Looney Tunes. Anymore. No texts, no talks, no phone calls. Just send that $hit right to my email, so I can CMA in divorce court. I don't negotiate with terrorists. I literally hit that place that Peter hit in Office Space. I am not letting any of this or the whole process affect me anymore physically or emotionally. All logistics from here on out. Just business, and I want my equitable share. Period. I'm not interested in thinking about the past. Its dead, she's dead, the marriage is dead, Its a business deal, I am terminating the M contract, life is too short to live with someone with their head in the clouds, or up their @$$ that can't negotiate solutions with me to work on things wgen it's all about their feelings, their perceptions, and no one else's, that everything is about them, their feelings, their agendas, and their time, with no room for consideration of anyone else's. I'm finally indifferent and I'm a happier man for it. Onward and upward, lets get on with life and the future, and good riddance.