Thanks Nef! Appreciate the correction. You are right much love to you too my friend!
Dawn I totally cosign not needing someone else to 'complete' me. I am totally complete and fine by myself. I like to think of adding someone to my already abundant and full life. It's such a liberating feeling and I feel amazing every day because of understanding my own worth and value. I am also paying a lot of attention to not paying attention to whatever exW has going on in her life lol. This decluttering of mental space has been rewarding too. When I got to the place of truly knowing that I don't want a recon with her, it was such a peaceful feeling. I have such clarity of what I want in a partner coupled with the fact that I am not in a rush because I am not trying to fill a void in my life, it is truly a gift.
It's nice to see you on this side of the board. Can I ask where you are from? I'm not sure if I've just missed it, although I totally understand if you do not want to share.
My own view about marriage has always been pretty different than what people have discussed in this thread. I have never believed in God, and marriage for me means just a registered relationship which gives more rights for kids. The initial celebration, wedding, is pretty much the only thing that matters to me as it is a natural way to celebrate the relationship and the love with friends and close ones. I don't see marriage as an everlasting bond that must not be broken, and I am personally quite sure I will marry again some day - not planning it currently though. I am far on the progressive side and you won't find a single bit of conservatism in me, so I guess this is understandable (even though I'm quite right-leaning politically when it comes to monetary side of things).
I understand that people are in vulnerable state. I just think it's not useful to label people based on their decisions. You have one life and you have to make the best of it. Sure there are a lot of marriages that probably could be fixed but also a lot of them where partners have far surpassed the tolerance level. A lot of the time people's needs are not being fulfilled and fixing it is hard. I certainly do not blame my XW of the D because I should have seen the signs a long time ago, however I have come to realize the fact that I just didn't want to because I wasn't happy with her either. So, I would say the amount of divorces could also be high because people choose wrong partners at the beginning and just make it work until it falls apart. Only when you know yourself fully can you find a partner who is a proper match.
About meeting XWs BF - I think if my XW would ever break up with her bf, the next one I could meet properly. I respect your decision to have a talk with your XWs bf, I just personally would see it as quite insecure to lay out rules for him in a meeting. I trust that my XW chose him by keeping his suitability as a 'step-dad' in mind.
Please keep us updated about your D
Have a great weekend.
LC.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
I live in N.America but I am not originally from here. I moved to pursue further education and then settled here. About marriage - I am not sure that it is a path that I would want to take again. I perfectly content with the idea of having a solid partnership with someone. With BD being way past in the timeline and with the benefit of being further and further away from the 'event', my perspectives have certainly evolved as I am not in a panic state. So much of my journey required me to not only understand my failings in the marriage and as a person, but also forgiving myself for that and recognizing that I did the best I could in my circumstances and context - dealing with depression and trauma and how that impacted my ability to function fully. I certainly wasn't the man that I wanted to be at that point in time and that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage. But if I can take that perspective and have self-compassion, it is incumbent upon me to do the same towards exW. She did the best she could with what she had. The way she approached it with BD was terrible for sure, but I also hurt her over time. So I can't get to blame her for what she did and not see my actions that led to it as well. So I have more compassion towards her now even though what she did caused me pain. I recognize that I also caused her pain. We just hurt each other in different ways. So I am at a place where I don't hold it against her anymore.
About meeting her bf - I thought about it for a while and worked through my emotions before I met him. I was going to take the approach to lay down the law, but I decided against that precisely for the reasons you mentioned. I wasn't insecure about my status as a parent and my relationships with the kids is super solid. I wanted to meet him to get a glimpse of who is going to be around my kids on a regular basis. I didn't lay down any kinds of laws. We just had a pleasant chat and I told him what my priorities are in life when it comes to the kids and what I value. He shared his journey as a parent and a bit about himself. I have seen him on many more occasions and observed and seems to be a good man and a good father. I also felt relieved meeting him because now I knew who was around my kids.
I just want to add that all of this depends on context and where people are in their journey. What I did worked for me and it may not work for someone else. If the bf was an affair partner, this would've been out of the question. I have no place in questioning whether someone would do as I have done because it's really not my place. There is certainly no 'correct' way to go about this. I did what works for me.
On a different note, I've been super busy with work and also been a bit sick and haven't had time to get the D paperwork done. I need to get some stuff notarized and I hope to do it next week and then submit everything. It's really procedural at this point and I just need to make some time to do it.
Life in general is quite good and I am content. Making some moves in my professional career and potentially start some side projects by the end of the year, which is really exciting. Kids are doing great and I am looking forward to some down time this summer and visit family and spend time on the beach
Haven't updated in a while cuz nothing new has really happened. I've been so busy that I've not had a chance to go get the D paperwork notarized. My plan is to do that next week and get it all submitted. ExW hasn't pushed on it so that's I guess the most interesting part of it all.
I was reading Ginger's thread and had a question. Thought I'd ask in my own thread rather than hijack hers.
What's been people's experience putting down that they have kids in the OLD profile? I definitely wouldn't put any pics of my kids on OLD, but I am debating whether to say I have kids or not. I am off OLD right now, but when I was on for a few weeks early in the year, I got no hits. the profile was good and I asked a couple of friends to vet it. Still no luck. I also live in a small-ish city but that shouldn't be a huge factor. So, I am thinking that me saying that I have kids might've been it. I could be wrong.
I am wondering if there is a better way to go about this. I don't want to deceive anyone deliberately about having kids, but at the same time I wonder if it is too much information up front.
I'm older and my kids are grown so I never really had that issue. I do have two grown sons and my mother living with me but I didn't put that in my profile - that was a discussion for a coffee date. I'd say if you think it's a factor in not getting hits, just leave it out altogether and discuss it at your first coffee date. In fact, if I had young kids I probably wouldn't mention it on my profile for fear of attracting pedophiles.
While I'm in a similar situation to kml (my children are adults), I disagree with her. My kids are out doing their own thing, but I still put on my profile that I have kids (no pictures, just a mention) and even grandkids (again, no pictures, just a mention). I think if your kids are adults, it is fine to leave them off, like kml said, but if they are under 18, it seems a little dishonest to me to not at least mention them because odds are that they are staying with you at least part of the time so that is a very real part of what your time is dedicated to.
I think the small place you live might be a bigger factor than you think. I had that same issue as well initially. I live in a very small town and originally, I had the location set to a very small surrounding area and I was getting NO hits. Once I expanded my area a bit to include some larger cities nearby me, I got more "traffic" so to speak.
If you think it is about the kids, then you have to do what you think is right and I am only speaking for myself here, but because I'm a mom, I didn't mind coming across men with kids. I actually preferred it, in fact. And, honestly, if I liked a guy initially from his profile but I didn't find out until later that he had kids, that might give me a little pause, wondering why he hid that, even if he wasn't necessarily trying to be deceptive. I'm sure that makes no sense and I sound crazy now, but hopefully you get my point.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I’m in a different phase of life where a lot of single (divorced) men do have young kids. If a guy did not disclose he had children, it would be a red flag for me. I would make-up that he’s ashamed of having kids, maybe is an absent father, maybe he is the one that instituted the divorce to ditch the family responsibilities and live the free life..... etc etc.
Think of it this way.... maybe it’s not about generating a ton of interest via old, but moreso quality interest. I would divulge the fact that you have kids. Don’t want to waste anyone’s time.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
It wasn’t your kids. I look for guys WITH kids. And if someone doesn’t look at your profile because you do have kids, how is that person going to work for you?
It’s probably something else. Not that there is anything wrong with you per day, but wording certain things certain ways and certain pictures will give me a no.
A selfie in a bathroom, especially one in which you see the toilet. NO.
Gym selfies . NO.
A negative profile listing everything they DON’T want in a woman Also no.
To add to Ginger's no list (because all her nos will also get a no from me too....what IS it with bathroom selfies? Ugh!):
pics with sunglasses so that I can't see your eyes
too many "bro" pics so that I can't really distinguish you from the pack (yes, by all means, have friends and hang out and have fun with them, but do not inundate your profile with a ton of frat boy wanna be pics)
negative self-talk or just negativity in general (like G was saying)
referring to yourself in the 3rd person (Maika likes this, Maika doesn't like that....yes, those profiles exist and they are the most pretentious things I have ever read)
I totally agree with what Pax said above that if a guy doesn't put that he's a father and I find out later he is, the first thing I think is that he's an absentee and/or deadbeat dad and I just can't go down that road, personally. (Not saying you are those things, but just saying that is how they come across to me personally when someone is a dad but they don't come out and say that initially.)
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
M - I made it very clear in my profile that I am the father of 2 girls. In fact it was my first or second sentence. I also included a picture of me and my girls in my profile. It was a full body shot of us all on Easter Sunday.
much love to you too my friend!