Midlife wife crisis7

[Wolfman]

MLC there has been no intimacy for almost a year. My situation started back in August. I didn’t come to this forum until about 3 months ago. I made so many mistakes, trying to talk about the relationship, begging, pleading, doing everything for her. It wasn’t until I got here that I started to do my 180’s. I still make mistakes. Trust me MLC I am giving up hope. In the great post from Sandi she said something that is so true for my w. That is her pride. She has this thing that her pride is number one, that no one will disrespect or talk down to her. She has given up many, many friends and family because of her “pride”. She doesn’t believe in forgiveness, it’s just the reality of who she is. I saw the coldness again in her heart. One of our friends husband just past away. The wife was a disaster crying hysterically how is she going to do it with 4 kids (ages 21 to 13) My wife’s response, you just have to and you will be fine. But it’s also the way she said it like no big deal. Sandi was so right about the ww heart becomes so cold and selfish. Does it saddens me that we got to this point. Yes! Will I move on and be better. Yes!! I am just trying to be patient with myself, cause there are days I still cry, by myself. I get those emotions out and then move. I am trying to focus my attention to my kids and career now. I know I still have a long road ahead of me. So I take it one day at a atime.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

I am back from vacation.




During this stage of your life, have you learned to stay in the moment? If not, then it is critical to learn this skill.

Focus on transitioning from thinking about the past or the future to being in "the now". Again this is a learned skill that you practice until you make it.


Do not let your thoughts control you. Control your thoughts. Again this is a learned skill.


Steve85 put it this way: "GAL like a madman". Are you doing this?

What are your hobbies? Are you doing them? Any new ones you want to start?

[MLCxH]

MLC there has been no intimacy for almost a year. My situation started back in August. I didn’t come to this forum until about 3 months ago. I made so many mistakes, trying to talk about the relationship, begging, pleading, doing everything for her. It wasn’t until I got here that I started to do my 180’s. I still make mistakes. Trust me MLC I am giving up hope. In the great post from Sandi she said something that is so true for my w. That is her pride. She has this thing that her pride is number one, that no one will disrespect or talk down to her. She has given up many, many friends and family because of her “pride”.

So many similarities between my sitch and yours. Unfortunately I did not come to this forum till after W filed for D. I worked on many 180s for myself before I found the forum but failed to give her space, had R talks and talked logic to her. I beat myself up a lot for the mistakes I made that led to my D but now I am slowly getting to be at peace with myself. If it was not meant to be it was not meant to be.

The pride and ego are a big problem with my W too. At one point she turned a corner and had a heartfelt talk about how I had loved her during the marriage. Till then for almost a year she had only complained about how I had made her life miserable when we talked about R. However she ended the conversation talking about how she has always been a proud girl who never changed her decisions. They say time heals all wounds. Time and space helps heal everyone including the LBS. I am still hurting and on an emotional roller coaster but getting better with time

[Wolfman]

R2C welcome back. I am trying real hard to control my emotions and thoughts. I think I am getting better at it. But it definitely is a work in progress. I try to live in the now but it’s hard, I think about the past, I know I have to stop that kind of thinking. It will only slow me down. I am GAL. I play baseball in a men’s league, I go to the gym, going out with friends, having fun with the kids.

MLC I haven’t read your situation yet, but my w’s pride is brutal. That’s what preventing her from trying to reconcile. She has told everyone we are getting a d, she would look like a liar to back out. She is more worried about what her friends will think of her than restoring her family. My w has always been about image to other people. My w always looks like a million bucks even going to the supermarket. Sandi said a few threads back on here, until she learns humility she is not going to change.

Yesterday was my d birthday. Again a very nice day. My w’s family came over we spent time at the house for a little while, then took my d out to dinner at a hibachi place. She loves hibachi. Then went back to the house where we had a birthday cake and opened presents. Interactions between w and I were pleasant and nice. No problems at all. No expectations just hoping she can see we can be a happy family again. I know this will take more time if it even works out and I am being patient.

[IHCLACS]

How are you doing today Wolfy? Been thinking of you. Im going crazy going down the rabbit hole as usual. Not over W but over societies marital and behavioral issues. I know I can't change or control people, or fix societies. Some will argue that the simpler version is maybe you just married the wrong person with different beliefs, attitudes, and mindsets. Others will argue there is a pervasive patterns, and behavioral issues between the sexes and marriage in western culture.

I had to turn my mind off from the stuff for a while get out with the kid since I have him for the week I'm on vacation. Took him to a small car show at a local Wendy's yesterday, and the park. Figuring out what to do next maybe I'll take him to a touch play museum next? Or a water park since my pool is still a swamp..lol..

What's the status on the buyout from W? The sooner that you can stop paying a mortgage on a home that you no longer benefit from at all, the sooner you can move forward financially. I know im one to talk as an example of what to do, but given the current circumstances...Who is more important? Your W or you? As for me? I'm still stuck and invested in figuring this all out more than moving forward with my life. But taking baby steps.

I understand you're hurt as a man throughout all this, how it affects your ideals as a complete family, as a provider, as husband, and as a dad. Its almost like your headship and title has been stripped by someone undeserving of it. That there are mistakes and regrets and things you feel guilty for, that you can't change the past, but can learn from it and shape your future. That you accept responsibility for the things you know are true, but won't be shamed into believing its all your fault. We can still be great dads even if we were poor husbands. Maybe someday they will realize? Maybe they won't?

[Wolfman]

IH good to hear from you. The status of my buyout is I have no idea. I am not putting any pressure on here as far as us being together, no relationship talks, no d talk, and no buyout talk. I don’t want to be the one to initiate any of that, it’s all on her. We talk more, we get along very well, but haven’t seen any inkling of reconciling. IH I feel your pain about how people view marriage and relationships. Especially marriage today. The world we are brought up in today is all about instant gratification. I see it with children and I see it with adults. We are so use to things being done right away and everything at our fingertips, I think a lot of people forgot what it means to put work in. What I am about to say I think a lot of people will disagree with me but I am going to say it anyway. People are getting divorced over some of the dumbest reasons. I have a friend who’s husband left her because she didn’t clean the house all the time or check on him all the time when he was sick. Or because people don’t spend enough time together. I get there needs to be quality time between husband and wife but when you throw kids, a career and bills in the mix it can take up a lot of your time. Another friend is thinking of leaving her husband because he is gaining weight. Shoot my dad part my mom because he said he is getting older and he wants to be free and do what he wants. It’s like why do we even bother to take vows when they mean nothing? It’s because we got use to instant gratification. When we are not happy we are quick to drop something, or get something new beacause that’s what we have been doing for years. No one is perfect but yet too many people are striving for perfection. Tv has made us believe in fairy tales and what love is suppose to be, people have a bad time disconnecting tv from reality. Even if it says reality tv it isn’t.

Look I am not going to lie, there were times in my marriage I thought I had enough. But then I would say to myself, that’s not fair to the kids, that’s not fair to my w, I made a promise to my w that I would love her in good times and in bad. I would stop focusing on the few negative and focus more on the positive. And things would get better again. I said to my self my w never cheated on me, no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, hard working, loving, caring, honest, truthful. When I went through that list I would say it’s stupid for me to want a d because she is sloppy. Or because our love life wasn’t what I had expected. Everyone is going to have faults. I just feel people make the minor faults today into something huge and then get stuck on those few faults instead of all the positive.

Look at a lot of animated movies (not going to say the name but I think you can figure which one) where most of the women are poor, mistreated, have a messed up family. They end up with a prince, a castle many times all the money and servants. It is a psychological predisposition that gets stuck in little girls heads and carries over when they get older. Most d today are intimated by women 75%. The men are bombarded by sexual innuendos that their wife has to be beautiful and sexual all the time. After all in the movies the old guy gets a young beautiful woman and she “wants” him right away. Sorry for rambling just my opinion and observation.

[LH19]

W,

I’ve got news for you, this has been going on for thousands and thousands of years. Women leaving betas looking for alphas. Google “hypergamy”.

That’s why leaving the house at the first sign of trouble was a bad move. Women are hard wired to look for strength and protection. First sign of trouble you fled from the home. Now she thinks you can’t protect her.

Not just attacking you I did it too. Learned and moved back in. Refused to give up the house in D. Best move I ever made. My posts are always my opinion on what I know now so other people don’t make the same mistakes.

I think it may be time for you to sleigh the sabertooth tiger and get your balls back.

[IHCLACS]

^^^^ Red pilled. ;-)

[IHCLACS]

Wolfy its a good observation. As grounded, well spoken, and considerate as my STBXW is. You would never think there was depression, daddy issues, and lack of emotional immaturity when it comes to expectations. In all fairness I have some immaturity issues too I need to work through as well. But Wolfy... They all buy into the fantasy. They all buy into feminism, they are emotional creatures. They long for the desires of the white knight, or the bad boy. Its been that way culturally since James Dean, Marlon Brando, and Walt Disney, and its only gotten compounded and worse in our times. That's not to say men don't have their issues of expectations either with the porn, the sports, the 9s and 10's the swimsuit models (Do swimsuit models even exist anymore?) I $hit you not, as I was leaving the house the other day, W was on Facebook pinning up a post which Disney Princess she identified with. It was Ariel from the Little Mermaid. She never used to post silly stuff like that before. My W is obese. It has affected her confidence her whole life. I always saw past it and was always still attracted to her. You know how she felt? Like having sex once a week was a wifley chore she no longer wanted to perform. Im a good looking guy 6ft. Athletic.,Maybe a 7? All throughout the years I didn't exercise much, im just skinny naturally and work in construction. I tried to encourage her to take walks with me after dinner over the last 10 years. She wouldn't do it. Running? Forget about it. Bad knees for her until weigh drops. She stop continues to sit around and watch reality tv despite spending thousand of dollars in nutrition programs, exercise programs, yoga, treadmills that collect dust. I figured if she wanted it bad enough, she would just do it. So I stopped encouraging her, because every time I did, she felt pushed and turned off by it. Just like if I wanted to quit smoking bad enough, then I would have. So I let it go. Now that I'm in my sich, I let it go even more, its not my responsibility to fix another human being. So after BD you know what she tells me? I never was supportive of her losing weight, and she felt degraded by me encouraging her. So? Its her issue to work out. I hope after we part ways, she figures it out. I'm figuring out how to be more emotionally stable, level headed, and cope with life steeses better. Goung through all this is making me a pro, and a super dad.

In telling ya man. Someone said it on here. Behind all this is a secret depression that reverts back to a child like state. Most people cannot realise that they married a flawed human being who is going to disappoint them from time to time. Most people IMO do practice forgiveness, but not for the other person, but for themselves so that they can move on. People don't want to sacrifice their identity or personal happiness for the sake of their family or children, yet they are convinced that by becoming happy, they will be better parents. We want our vows to mean something, but when you think about it. Yes it is a covenant with God, but it is also a social construct. Its like we in western society as we became more civilized, we became less civilized and barbaric and primitive, especially when it comes to morals. We have gone backwards and it needs to change. In more concerned with society than I am with my M lately. This is an epidemic as far as I am concerned. If the W is not interested in learning these things, then I guess I will have to move onto a new life with someone that is.

[Ready2Change]

Women leaving betas looking for alphas.... get your balls back.

Women are hard wired to look for strength and protection

Seducing a woman is not hard. Changing our own belief systems and behaviors is the hard part. Do this one behavior at a time. Pick your most beta trait, and stop doing it. Pick a alpha trait and start doing it.

GAL alone. Go to dinner alone. Be in the moment. Go to night clubs alone. Be in the moment. Watch the alpha guys. watch the alpha ladies.