WTH last night W texts me pictures of new couches (expensive) and says not now but it would be nice to get some new couches in awhile. (Our kids have kind of destroyed ours). I didn’t respond.
MC 4 days from now and she’s thinking about long term furniture?
Doesn’t change my mindset I just find this bizarre....
Ghost her Uni. Im starting to realize that its is us the LBH that are "in the fog" not the WAW. Hence the purpose of temp checks from all these WAW's. Its an unconscious manipulative game, that they don't know they are even playing out of dissatisfaction, and boredom from their lives. Put her down from the center of your life. Your time, your value, your emotions and your dignity will suffer less as a result. I've done it. We have all done it in the last several months. There is a dynamic at play here. Do what we should have done right at BD. Ghost her. You have no value to her, and she's testing to see if you are on the hook as plan b. Don't take the bait.
IHC - yeah my mindset in the last two weeks has really turned to: she has to see value in me. Right now I’m not seeing it. Maybe in MC. But I’m not trying to “save” my marriage or figure out what I need to do to get my WAW to turn around. I’m going to need to see something from her too.
I guess it just made my mind start wondering what this means for our first session... not in an obsessive way just a detached “well this is peculiar behavior” kind of way. Bizarro world these limbo situations are.
Uni I may be jumping on my high horse as of lately on concepts I once understood and had limited experience with in the actual dating world before I met my W. The study of running game, maintain frame, withstanding $hit tests, being strong and unattached to outcone, seduction, attraction, etc etc.
I'm saying this with humility though. Problem is I became complacent. Problem is I stopped internalizing all the stuff I thought I learned for life regarding attraction, once I thought I had the R that I thought i wanted. In other words, I have no long game in relationships. Problem is I dealt with all the issues over the years incorrectly. Let my guard down, showed my insecurities (later to be responses agsinst me.) my emotions, my indecision, my irrespinsibilites, my lack of follow through, my inconsistencies, my mis direction of purpose, and the latter. Its no wonder they don't feel safe with us... They made us b@th boys, slowly over time, that we didn't notice. Some of them even brought up issues multiple times, and we never actually addressed them. Which is why we no longer hold value in their eyes. Time to 180 on that $hit for ourselves and our own self worth and character for our own growth.
The other problem is what I have realized over the last week is. I'm not willing to be with someone or even reconcile with someone who won't acknowledge what they have to considerably change as well. That are willing to gas light me, project onto me, blame and shame me, use me, manipulate me, etc, when they have no desire to be with me any more. I've realized that history means nothing to them. Only the present and future. No amount of convincing works. I've learned that it's better to change their mood then to change their mind. I've learned that slowly over time, I have lost my value to them like some used car. Even though I'm starting to sound like a narcissist by making it all about rebuilding myself. I've realize that there is a dynamic to all of this. Narcissist and the co-dependent. That dynamic works both ways with the sexes.
I want you to think about what attracted them to us in the first place? We were independent, fun, exciting, courting, unapologetic, driven with purpose, unattached to outcome, emotionally stable from the wears of life. They said yes to us then because we were unaffected and on our own path. They said yes because at that time we held value to them based on their feelings in that moment. We quafifed them initially, and now they are qualifying us. Sadly we have not stood the test of time.
Well its time to grow now Uni. Time to grow, GAL, adapt, change, move forward, or whatever context you want to put it in. No one knows this more intimately than our spouses and we cannot fool them if we are faking it. We cannot appear as if we actually changed and grew. We actually have to do it, and do it for ourselves. If they happen to notice in time and space then it's a crapshoot. Maybe they will notice and maybe they won't? But they will have to see a different person with different behaviors, a different outlook, and different attitude, and they will have to be attracted to it. And it will have to be more powerful than them. We cannot be the same person and neither can they.
Until that day if it ever comes? I have absolutely no fear or regrets at this point ghosting my WAW or divorcing her. My life, what is best for me, my emotions and my well being is in my own and only my own hands now. As it should be.
I hope you find yourself Uni, and move upward from this. Rooting for ya.
The other problem is what I have realized over the last week is. I'm not willing to be with someone or even reconcile with someone who won't acknowledge what they have to considerably change as well. That are willing to gas light me, project onto me, blame and shame me, use me, manipulate me, etc, when they have no desire to be with me any more. I've realized that history means nothing to them. Only the present and future. No amount of convincing works. I've learned that it's better to change their mood then to change their mind. I've learned that slowly over time, I have lost my value to them like some used car. Even though I'm starting to sound like a narcissist by making it all about rebuilding myself. I've realize that there is a dynamic to all of this. Narcissist and the co-dependent. That dynamic works both ways with the sexes. .
Reason I decided to not fight the D was because I felt if she did not respect everything I have done for her, then she does not deserve me. It is a shame that everyone in the family with me, her and kids will lose but I did not cause this. Did I make mistakes? Yes but am I responsible for this? No
I got tired of being the one in the relationship who had to take the right decision and make the sacrifice. That is not a relationship when only one person tries. I also stopped rewriting history on my part where I was accepting and forgiving everything she had done over the last years. Yes, that is what married couples do but again she fired me as her H so why do I have to do the forgiving?
If there is to be an R she has to at least take 2 steps for 8 of mine otherwise even if we R I will have a miserable life. I don't know what the future holds but I cannot live sharing my life with someone that won't show basic courtesy or respect for everything I do for her
Well found a post it with a divorce attorney name and our marriage counselor name written down by W’s IC. Wednesday is the BD day everybody! Thought about confronting her today but what’s the point?
Im really sorry you saw the post it. I'm guessing it was a gut punch. I think you may want to consider canceling the MC appointment and make her put on her big girl pants and BD you. If she asks why just say you thought it over and decided since you don't know her intentions you are not interested in attending.
