I second AS about canceling the MC appt. Why pay for someone to get you the news that you already know. My strict rule about MC was that I would engage in it if it was about working on the MR, not facilitating divorce. You might as well go full steam on DBing now.
Now, it's all about action and less about words. I also fully cosign the second para from AS about applying pressure. You need to basically get out of her way and do your thing.
I am going to add a third voice to the choir. The biggest help in my sitch (for me, for W, for the MR) was.....*drumroll* time and space. Removing the pressure, stopping pursuit, changing my focus off my sitch allowed the negative feelings to subside, at least to the extreme extent, for her and for me.
A pragmatic person would see much use in going to a MC to get BD'ed.
Like the others said, you only need to go if she's wanting to work on things. And you only say that to her as briefly as possible. And if there's no quick, affirmative response to that then you turn and walk and go to your GAL. Leave the house and do something.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
U, It looks like you have two choices, live in limbo or let your wife BD you in MC and explore options for the D. Reading through your posts it is clear her mind seems to be made up, so fighting the BD probably only adds to more pressure. Then there is always a risk she may go see a lawyer if you dont go to the MC. My W did not care about me and just sent me a D notice without even giving MC a chance. At least with MC your W will look at both options, D and potential recon.
These are my thoughts but you have to make your own decision here. Sorry you are in this position, it is horrible but you will heal with time. Important thing is you accept your situation and not live in denial. It is hard but you have no choice as I can tell you from my experience.
Wow so much feedback, thanks everyone (LH19, MLCxH, AS, Maika, ovrrnbw)!
There are 3 general opinions here: (1) Go to MC; (2) State I will only go to MC if the intent is to work on the MR; (3) Cancel MC, no explanation.
I lean towards #1 (go to MC) at this point.
#2 I rule out. W won't tell me her intent - remember she won't even talk to me 1:1 at home. She would just lie ahead of time.
#3 is more of an alpha move. We did have a different MC option lined up, so would probably reschedule there soon afterwards anyways. But again -- is it really going to matter? I don't think a WAS's mindset will change based on the MC chosen.
I do not like my sitch. I used to want recon badly because I thought I would be miserable as a single dad. I no longer feel that way. I'm not saying it won't be extremely difficult and painful to transition. I prefer recon, I prefer that we work on the MR and provide my kids a stable family. But I also accept single dad life, and no longer see it is a disastrous outcome. So many posters here (including the above list) have helped me incredibly to see that I WILL get through this.
I guess my point is... I don't care about recon right now. I accept either MR outcome. So why not get on with it and get my W to communicate her intent, which she has not done explicitly for >6 months?
If you were already bombed I would vote for #3. Since you weren’t and you are tired of limbo I’m ok with 1.
Last night I took the kids out for ice cream and it was awesome. We talked about our days and laughed. Shortly after D it was weird because something was missing. I don’t have that feeling anymore.
Tonight after work I’m headed out for a golfing and beach weekend that will include some beer and who knows what. Guess what, I didn’t need to clear it with anyone to go. I’m going to enjoy every fuching minute of it.
Now I’m not going to lie I do miss married life and the family unit sometimes. But like AS says, this is my new norm and it’s a pretty great life. It will take some time to adjust.
The most important thing is to keep moving forward.
I don't think there's necessarily a terrible option out of the 3 you've been mulling over. You're going into MC with eyes wide open and so it shouldn't come as a shocker that a third party has been hired to facilitate separation and divorce. Being in limbo with a non-communicative spouse s#cks and if this will end it, go for it.
If this is going the way I think it's going to go, stick with what LH said earlier - let her do most of the talking and keep your cards close to the chest. If she says that we need to get a D, my only response would be - This is not the path I want to take, but if it is what you want, I won't stand in your way. Deliver that type of line in a cool calm manner and let her sit with that. She's going to expect you're going to have an emotional breakdown - don't let that happen. You need to process it, do it beforehand. TBH - there is a major difference between speculation and reality, and I can tell you from experience that when this actually happens, you're going to feel a swell of emotions. Just lock them up during MC and deal with it privately. Last thing you want your W to see is an emotionally blabbering version of you. No begging, no pleading, no nothing. Don't try to change her mind or offer alternatives. Read LH's tagline - I live by that rule in conjunction with my own tagline.
Moving forward is your best option and less words more action. Just like LH, I adore my time with the kids and we are making a whole new set of memories. In some ways I am really happy that I get to create these very personal memories with them that doesn't include exW - my kids will always remember that it was something special between the three of us. Yes, the family dynamic is missing and I do miss that at times. but having that level of empowerment of how you create a relationship with your kids is so amazing.
Take a wider perspective, and it will come with some time, but your life as Unchien is now truly being unleashed. It is so liberating and full of love, joy, and whatever I want it to be. The path is not easy, but it is so hella rewarding.
This is so true. I have been engaged on your thread from the start and one of the things I have seen you struggle with is the uncertainty of limbo. This is why I suggested option #1
You are a person who thinks logically. Once you know what you are faced with you will actually be able to focus on the right steps. Otherwise you will just be analyzing all theoretical options and I can see this is driving you crazy.
Originally Posted by unchien
But I also accept single dad life, and no longer see it is a disastrous outcome. So many posters here (including the above list) have helped me incredibly to see that I WILL get through this.
Once W filed I was forced to start accepting that I don't have control over whether I am a single dad or not. I am still not completely there and do hope for recon but the legal process has forced me to come to terms with things quicker. It helped a lot in accepting I had no control on many things and focus on only what I had control on.
Originally Posted by unchien
I guess my point is... I don't care about recon right now. I accept either MR outcome. So why not get on with it and get my W to communicate her intent, which she has not done explicitly for >6 months?
You will have periods of self-doubt and will go back and forth between detachment and recon. But important thing is you will move forward and life will go on even if it is different from what we planned for
Last night I took the kids out for ice cream and it was awesome. We talked about our days and laughed. Shortly after D it was weird because something was missing. I don’t have that feeling anymore.
LH19 - This is inspiring. I already love my alone time with my kids, and I'm about to have a lot more of it!
Originally Posted by Maika
If this is going the way I think it's going to go, stick with what LH said earlier - let her do most of the talking and keep your cards close to the chest. If she says that we need to get a D, my only response would be - This is not the path I want to take, but if it is what you want, I won't stand in your way. Deliver that type of line in a cool calm manner and let her sit with that. She's going to expect you're going to have an emotional breakdown - don't let that happen.
Maika - I have practiced a very similar line at least 200x by this point. I think I can stay cool, calm, collected. I'm more concerned with how the session goes after BD since I can't predict, but will focus on remaining calm.
It's possible she won't BD in the first session, and that's fine too. No expectations.
Originally Posted by Maika
Moving forward is your best option and less words more action. Just like LH, I adore my time with the kids and we are making a whole new set of memories. In some ways I am really happy that I get to create these very personal memories with them that doesn't include exW - my kids will always remember that it was something special between the three of us. Yes, the family dynamic is missing and I do miss that at times. but having that level of empowerment of how you create a relationship with your kids is so amazing.
You (and LH) have no idea how valuable these stories are to me. Six weeks ago, I thought single dad-hood was a life sentence to loneliness and misery.
Hearing both the joy and yes, the lingering melancholy, has really uplifted my spirits and allowed me to turn around my outlook. If it was all positivity, I would be skeptical. Thank you so much.
Originally Posted by MLCxH
Once W filed I was forced to start accepting that I don't have control over whether I am a single dad or not. I am still not completely there and do hope for recon but the legal process has forced me to come to terms with things quicker. It helped a lot in accepting I had no control on many things and focus on only what I had control on.
Zero control, absolutely.
One thing I haven't talked about much here... my parents and I have an estranged R, essentially NC except for critical things for about 3 years. They chose to step away when I wanted to try to work things out. There are undiagnosed mental health issues involved with one of my parents. I went to IC to deal with the situation for years. I felt guilted, shamed, unsupported, unloved. Communication was challenging. There was about a 10 year slow downward spiral. It was not that different from limbo with an eventual BD.
Going through that experience has helped me deal with my current sitch. Unconditional love does not exist. Life is tenuous. You cannot assume people will always be there for you forever. You have to make yourself happy. My W is not on a pedestal. I thought we would share a wonderful life together - it just didn't work out. I can find happiness elsewhere. Plans change sometimes.
The other part of the situation with my parents that applies here: My parents f***ed me up. I was emotionally neglected, supported through my achievements, but not truly loved or supported emotionally. It f***ed up how I dealt with my M issues. I recognize that, accept that I have work to do, I've made a lot of progress. Circle of life. I'm not repeating my parents' mistakes, but the legacy lives on in a different way.
Anyways, yeah... I am getting beat over the head with a life lesson here... don't depend on other people for your own happiness!
