Well found a post it with a divorce attorney name and our marriage counselor name written down by W’s IC. Wednesday is the BD day everybody! Thought about confronting her today but what’s the point?
I mentioned it in a previous post but one of the risks of not going to MC is that W may force your hand by hiring an attorney. Looks like W has made up her mind to at least explore D so in my opinion confronting may be useless. I case you are still going to MC on Wednesday I think you will at least get more details on what she is thinking
Sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like your W might be like mine was. She didn't have the courage to confront the issue herself so used MC as pretext to do it. It gave her the safe space to feel like someone was on her side supporting her as she voiced her "truth." It's a cowardly way to do things, but from what I gather on here, pretty common. For my EW it took her 3 sessions before she was ready to admit the truth, so don't necessarily expect it to come out all at once. Of course, unlike you, I had no idea it was coming. I thought we were actually trying to work through a rough patch.
It is completely up to you how to handle it. Just realize that MC is absolutely useless in saving a marriage unless both parties want it to work.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Just to be clear, I have no clue if your MR can be saved. But if is to be saved I think it will be a much longer process, and that this round of MC will have nothing to do with it.
Hang in there. It does get better.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide - that’s exactly my mindset! I’m trying to be prepared for the worst. A BD is easy. Harder would be if she doesn’t BD but starts going after all of my past hurts and issues. I’m not feeling ready to open up and share because I see no signs of hope at the moment. And it can only make me more vulnerable in the D process. So the scenario where she doesn’t BD me in the first session would be the toughest to prepare for.
If we are ever to save this MR, an honest discussion of both of our contributions would have to happen.
I know if she BD’s what I will say. Won’t repeat it here but following the basic advice. Might ask for a couple reasons why just to understand.
What if it’s unclear early on? I understand some people don’t get the BD in the first session. It’s only 50 minutes. My stance if things are not clear would be I feel like we are drifting apart and not communicating, and I want to work on that.
What if past hurts and issues are raised? Here I feel cautious. My tendency would be to start talking. A lot. But... if I don’t know my W’s stance I’m not going to start apologizing for everything. I just think this may be tricky to navigate.
Also... are there other scenarios I should be prepared for?
And... please remind me why I shouldn’t just tell my W “this MC is obviously a D specialist.” I have zero hopes of recon. I’m done. The only good reason I can think to just go to this session for the BD is because communicating with my W about my concern is itself acting as if we have a normal MR. We don’t. So I should follow the process or whatever.
Not that I ever got as far as joint MC because W flip flopped on it with me, then accused me of flip flopping on it. But here are a few questions Uni.
1.) If she raises past hurts and issues? What is her intentions of doing so in MC? To get you to address them and work on the M and communicate better? Or to validate herself in front of the MC?
2.) If there is anything I have learned from here is there is nothing wrong with apologizing for past transgressions ONCE AND ONLY ONCE. The rest is just shaming tactics and validation to them to justify proceed forward. They are typically confused on what to do, and what they are feeling, until someone can validate that (They ate not crazy, they are not over reacting, they are making the right decisions based on their truth, etc.)
3.) Is you becoming more vulnerable in front of W while she is state of being withdrawn, going to benefit you, or the M?
4.) This is just my sad experience, but what makes you think your W is going to acknowledge her contributions to the downfall of the marriage right now, when she is withdrawn, when she is done, and when she is the star of the show? According to most on here, they dont acknowledge or want to acknowledge their contributions to the downfall with humility until years later, when they have somewhat healed, when they have had their space, and when they have already followed through with their actions for leaving, seperating divorcing, etc. Think about it? If they wanted to save the M and have certain issues addressed, they would have methodically brought them up, long before this point, if they haven't already, to work with you on them.
5.) We can't read their minds, what's plauging them (although they would like to think that we should just get it.) But we can read their state. Change their mood. Not their mind.
I would just ask her directly. (They seem pretty obvious from the attorney card. "What are your intentions of joint MC?" And what would you hope to accomplish or achieve from it?"
The issues of communications is the worst, because you being mis perceived, villianized, shamed, misunderstood, to some one you care about, but has absolutely no desire to resolve things, just validate and justify their own actions for leaving.
