Midlife wife crisis7

[SteveLW]

What I am learning the hard way from my D is that giving your kids everything means they won't respect you. They see you as a vending machine, except they don't have to put money in it, they just have to kick it and whatever they want pops out.

[Wolfman]

Steve you are absolutely correct. They have this sense of entitlement and it is disgusting but we created it. My d is absolutely playing my w against me. I think I have said it before but i will explain again about my d.

My daughter has a very disturbing and unhealthy obsession with my w. She tries to dress like her, order the same food, even her password for her phone is the same as my w. My d does not like anyone getting close to my w. She wants my w love all to herself. Anytime in the past that my d’s friends were nice to my w and my w was nice back she would stop being friends with them. My d would actually say to my w, why are you being nice to my friends? You like them better than me? Like I said very disturbing. So now that my w is divorcing me, my d tho is she has to “divorce” me too. Whatever mommy does to daddy she will do. And show mommy she loves her she will take mommy’s side. Also, when things were good and my w and I would hug she would always try to get between us. I tried explaining this to my w but of course she doesn’t get it. Because it benefits her, that her d is on her side and loves her no matter. My d is going to ic. I hope this helps!!

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

Parenting is hard work. Even harder when spouse is on a different page. I was reading parenting books as well as relationship books during my D.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

We all do our best. Reflecting on what worked and what needs changes works for parenting as well. I really like AnotherStander's advise.

I had to remove the doorknob from my daughters room so she wouldn't lock it. It was off for several years. I then set a boundary with her that if she slammed it anymore, I was removing the door. Boundaries work. no more slamming door.


Fathers day for me starts with D17 knocking on my door at 7:50AM stating she overslept and asking for a ride to work that stats at 8AM. I drop her off, but no happy fathers day. I pick her up at 4PM, ride home, no happy fathers dayfrom her until like 1030pm.

I had many choices. I am extremely frustrated with D17 for getting 2 speeding tickets and loosing her driving privileges. Her issue. Her consequence. Now she is walking to work. Walking home. If she ask for a ride, I normally say yes if it is way in advance and No if it is last minute. I made an exception.


If I was in your shoes, I would send a text you W:

H:"W, I am sorry I just showed up early on Sunday. In the future I will make sure I stick to showing up at the planned time. thanks for understanding."

[Ready2Change]

Can you and wife have parenting conversations? Can you do this in person, if not over email?

Are you and W both in agreement on D11 behavior that need to change?

[AnotherStander]

As far as going into her room and the milkshake. I am sorry but I disagree.

I've raised 3 kids through their teen years, two are now adults and the third is knocking on the door. They are all very responsible, wonderful people now but all had their rebellious stages, especially my middle kid. Being the angry dad busting through doors just isn't very effective and looks abusive to the kids. It's really scary to them. You don't realize it but you're towering over them as it is, so when you force your way through a door and you're angry it's very intimidating to a child. And not in a good way. It tends to just make things worse and drive them farther away. Now I am not saying not to discipline them, but you can do it through peaceful means. Do you know what an agreement is? Here is what it is not- "I am going to tell you what to do and you are going to do it". An "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". It can be verbal or written, but it requires buy-in. I had to do this with all 3 of my kids at some point. I sat down with them, and I quietly but firmly said "when you do X that is unacceptable behavior in my house, so if you do X in the future then the ramifications will be "Y", do you understand and accept this?" They would agree, and afterwards if they did X then I would simply remind them of the agreement and that now Y was going to happen because of it. So for example, in a case like yours I would have said "you slammed and locked the door in my face and that is not acceptable, so in the future if you do this then I will take your phone away for 24 hours, do you understand and accept this?" Note that I did not punish them for the first infraction, because there was no agreement in place for it. But I made it clear it would not be tolerated again. Then if and when when they did it again (which they usually did because kids are all about testing boundaries), I would wait until they came out of the room (might be an hour later) and would hold my hand out for the phone. They would get it back no less than 24 hours later. No yelling, no forcing my way through doors, none of that. After I punished them with Y it never, ever happened again because they knew I meant it.

I really, truly hope you read and understand this because you are on a dangerous path that could cause a serious rift between you and D at this very sensitive time. I have a friend that chose that path. He and his daughter were inseparable right up until she started rebelling in her early teens and he became the angry, yelling "my way or the highway" dad. She is now grown, married and a very responsible and kind woman and mother, and their relationship never did recover.

I teach In a troubled district with gang members and I get more respect from them than from my own d. My students know if I ever raise my voice (which is never) they know I mean business. I just have to look at them and they know the deal. But yet my 12d doesn’t listen to anybody for anything.

Do you see what you wrote there? You never yell at your students, but they respect you. You yell at your daughter and she has no respect for you. THINK ABOUT THAT.

Then I ran out and got the food for the party. Never once did she say thank you. Yet, I tell my d she can’t have a milkshake because she closed the door in my face refused to open the door and giving me a hard time about going out for breakfast. I’m suppose to just stand behind the door and ask her why she is angry. I’m sorry that is not alpha behavior.

What do you think being an alpha is Wolf? Do you think it's being pushy and demanding and forcing everyone to bow to your will? And pouting because someone didn't say "thank you'? Or is it conducting yourself with quiet dignity (like in the classroom) and -earning- respect through actions? I used to manage a Hearts and Hammers team and the younger people would always complain that the homeowners didn't thank them. I would tell them "What you're doing here is for the greater good, it benefits the whole community. You don't do it for accolades, you do it because it's the right thing to do." If you're doing things to get a pat on the back then that's a classic NGS "covert contract". You need to rise above that.

[AnotherStander]

One other thing. No matter what I do in my wife’s eyes and my daughter, I am the bad guy. If I don’t yell at the kids or discipline them, then I am weak and can be walked all over.

Being a father is tough work. My XW also took issue with the way I disciplined the kids. But then when she asked them to do something and they wouldn't, guess who she came to. "Can you tell them to do XYZ, they always listen to you and never listen to me!" Why is that? Because I was the source of discipline. I had their respect. Again, conduct yourself with dignity, if you do that then it won't matter to you if anyone else thinks you're the bad guy, because in your heart you know it's the right thing to do. The payoff will come years later when your kids are grown and successful and telling you that you are the greatest dad that ever walked the planet.

[Ready2Change]

One of my favorite things to tell the children was "You are draining my Energy".

They all new that meant "No rides" or whatever they need from me.

"I am sorry, I do not have enough energy to take you to your friends house. I wish you listened to me earlier when I ask you to stop fighting with your brother."

[AlisonUK]

Perhaps the door is something to consider?

Your daughter is getting towards the age when her body is changing, her emotions changing. I quite agree that locked doors, and slamming doors, are not okay. But you have a rule of 'no closed bedroom doors' and for children, that's fine. For a girl who is on the brink of turning into a young woman, that's not acceptable. Changing your parenting style as your children grow is really hard (and I am speaking from experience of my own mistakes - which are many! - rather than any particular wisdom from success) but it is essential.

[Wolfman]

Thank you all for your input. I guess I feel like I have been too nice and it got me no where. People on here have told me numerous times to stop being Mr. Niceguy. I am not trying to be a jerk either. I am trying hard to get my man card back. I like the idea of taking the door knob off the door.

AS honestly speaking I don’t know what else to do with my d. She is beyond difficult. I know this goes against DB standards but when I took my d’s phone away I took a look at what she has been texting my w. Just how much she does not like being with me. She never wants to be with me. Again, I am trying not to take it personally because of her unhealthy obsession with my w. It’s just sad. Yet when my d needs help with something who does she read her out to, yep daddy. Yesterday my d went for a bike ride with her friend, while on their bike ride her friend fell off her bike and scraped her hand pretty bad. Who did she call... me. To help her friend who got hurt. Of course I ran there to help out. I am always there for her when she needs it. Yet I ask her to go to breakfast or dinner with me and she refuses. I know I am so horrible taking her to dinner. Again, it’s the separation from my w more than anything. When things were good we would leave my d with my in laws when we would go out to dinner and she would cry that she didn’t want to be with them. I need to chill out I guess on my d and not take it personally. It’s just so hard when I’m going through this with my w.

For a lot of you I need some advice. There are days I wake up extremely depressed. It’s mostly because I feel like I failed as a husband and father. How do I over come that? I try to distract myself and stay busy. But some mornings I really feel like not getting out of bed. I go to the gym, I play in a men’s baseball league, meeting up with old friends, I actually went out by myself the other day by myself to a bar to just grab a drink. How do I get past those emotions of feeling like a failure. I know on here people have said feel those emotions don’t ignore them. I do feel them.

[Wolfman]

The other thing is I am afraid to ever date again. To put some much effort and love into this marriage and still end up here is very scary!!! I know right now I am not ready for a relationship but will I ever. To me it’s kinda like this time I got sick after eating at a restaurant. I thought it was food poisoning. It ended up being a virus, everyone else got it a few days later. But I could never eat at that restaurant again. Even driving by it made me nauseous. It wasn’t the food either but I associate the sickness with the food. Now I feel like that with this marriage. How can I ever really put myself out there. In the back of my mind I will be worrying if I am doing everything “right”.