Midlife wife crisis7

[IHCLACS]

Wolfy what you are feeling is perfectly natural. Im getting to the same place and thoughts. Bouts of depression that come and go. Not directly because of W but because of feeling like a failure after all that invested time and effort that is fruitless. Then you try and imagine what life will be like even if you do fly solo, parts of it are great because there's greater freedom and growth, the other parts of the thoughts are scary because you feel like damaged goods, looking for more damaged goods at our age. Plus we have been out of the scene for so long, etc.. Rusty skills.. Etc.. I've somewhat given up on everything. Relationships, etc, just need to focus on restarting your life, the move, new place, work and kids. I know we all need connection and fun and human contact. But how can we attract the people we want in our lives, if we don't regain a sense of self and put our best out there? Im starting to notice my thinking is paralleling W's from BD about figuring out purpise and life rebuilding solo going forward. Just feel stuck on auto pilot some days. Wake up to to work pay bills watch kid, wash, rinse, repeat. Other days its the small things that are appreciated.

It has to start getting better once we get our lives resettled, have to kind of accept it and lean into it, rather than fight it.

[Wolfman]

IH you sound so much like me and that our situation is similar. It’s so hard to imagine finding someone. It’s hard to imagine someone would be interested in a 41 year d divorced guy with 2 kids. Like I said before it’s scary having to think of putting all that time and effort into this marriage to end up here. I believe my w is going through a midlife crisis. I say that because everyone has said their is something wrong with her for her to want this. Seeing the way she behaves now as opposed to when we first met. Makes me know that it’s her, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I feel like I have detached from my w but not the whole idea of family.

[IHCLACS]

Yeah I think the family part hurts us the most and makes us feel responsible for being failures when we are truly not. We feel responsible because we take some of the BD listed items. W has said to us to heart because we know them to be true. There are other things however that are not true, that we are not responsible for even though our w 10K blameshift Us Fort and we know it. About their feelings and perceptions of us and the M. It all kind of gets mixed in there. We are not the ones leaving and walking away. (but we will be shortly if they keep it up.) We made them, our We and our family the the center if our world's and we as well as they didn't even realize it, or appreciated it, and now that has all cine crashing down, and we have to settle into a new life and a new normal, wondering when the he'll we will a lever be fully adjusted once we get through the fire. So I understand the feelings of failure. I understand you feeling isolated hopeless and alone. The thoughts and efforts of even attempting to spend time with other people just for fun, while clearly knowing we havent fully healed, and people our age will have all kinds of brokenness and baggage is daunting. But its not our reality, we think it is because of what we are experiencing in transition, but nobody has a crystal ball of the future. Have to kind of keep that in mind sometimes. But there has to be more to life than just work bills kids and sleep. I understand how you feel stuck. Its part of the depression in the transition that fuels one another. The thoughts make it a perceived reality, and the reality makeup the perceived thoughts.

[Wolfman]

Well put IH. Everything you said is so true. I think once I get my own place things will get better. I am such a simple person and all I wanted in life was a big home (check) and a family to spend time with (it was a check). It’s just frustrating that anything my w asked for I worked hard to get her. From vacations, jewelry, bags, going out to dinner making sure I helped her in every way possible. Yes she is spoiled, I know I did that. But when I love someone I will do and give them everything I can. I always believed in that. And yet it wasn’t enough. Again I know it’s not me It’s her. But it scares me for the next time. These are just problems I will have to deal and get through. Thanks for chiming in.

[Ready2Change]

For a lot of you I need some advice. There are days I wake up extremely depressed. It’s mostly because I feel like I failed as a husband and father. How do I over come that? . How do I get past those emotions of feeling like a failure.

First, you have to forgive yourself. You did your best. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Take those mistakes and make changes to your behavior. Learn different skills.

But some mornings I really feel like not getting out of bed.

I never feel like getting out of bed. If I lead my life by doing what I feel like, I will loose my job, then my house. We get out of bed because we know it it the right thing to do. We have to use logic to fight the feelings.

My boss started to get frustrated with me about late projects. I felt like arguing with him, but then "Validate" was the logical choice. I had to listen and understand his frustrations. I agreed with him. I can't change the past. I can change my behavior going forward.

I know on here people have said feel those emotions don’t ignore them. I do feel them.

We are emotional beings. It is OK to feel how ever you are feeling. Just do not make decisions based on those feelings. Make decisions based on logic. Make decisions because it is the right thing to do. Identify the feelings with words.

Most people do not know how to verbalize their feelings. We need to teach our children these skills. I am frustrated. I am angry. I am sad. I am depressed. I am happy. I am scared. I am upset.

As a man, you need to project strength. This is where you need to control your emotions. Do not let your emotions control you.


I make my house a "Safe place" to release some emotions. That does not mean I tolerate slamming doors or phyisical violence when you are angry. Tell me why you are angry. Scream at me(what you want to tell you boss) if you need to. Beat up some pillows.

[Wolfman]

R2C thanks for your words of wisdom. I am working very hard at changing my behaviors. Trying to do 180s. I just called my d and challenged her for her finals. Is there such a thing as a wayward daughter?? Lol She is beyond difficult, she is refusing to study for her finals. I am so tired of the arguments. So instead of saying she needs to study or lose her phone I went the other direction. I said if you get an 85 or higher I will take her to fix her phone. I am going to try the opposite with her. Almost like how people train animals, positive reinforcement. I will start dangling “carrots” for her. I’m tired of the yelling and punishing her.

Question for everyone. I really want to do the right thing. Since this separation I have been taking my kids out to dinner all the time so we were not in the house. The problem is I can’t afford it anymore. I want to start cooking for my kids in the house. For those of you have been with me for a long time you know my situation. It’s still my house I just don’t live there anymore. How do I do this? I want to start cooking again in my house, is this ok? Do I ask w or do I just tell her look these days I will be in the house cooking for the kids. Please advise!!!!

[sandi2]

Wolf, we are not "attacking" you. We want to help wherever/however we can. If what I have to say doesn't help you, maybe it will help someone who reads this post.

We do not know all the details surrounding your daughter. We aren't saying you are not a good parent. Some of us are further down the road in raising children, and if you'll just listen to what we have to share then maybe it will help. If you don't agree nor wish to follow the advice, that's your privilege. You are probably sick of the subject, and it's not that I want to continue rehashing, but for my part said.....more of a clarification.

I think Ready had a great idea about the unlocked doors rule, but if it's at her mother's house, you probably won't be able to follow through with that one. But, I really liked how he handled it.

People, and especially children, need to know the rules. Children have to learn what is appropriate and inappropriate, as they progress toward adulthood. Sometimes, we can discuss with them some experience that another person or family is currently facing, and how it would be dealt with if it happened to one of us or our family. It's an opportunity to teach our children, without them feeling like the target of blame. When I was growing up, my mother hand washed the dishes, and my job was to stand by her side and hand dry the dishes as she placed them in the rack. That was the rule, and there was no sour attitude or complaining ......else I made things worse for myself in the end. During this time that we would be doing the dishes was when my mother & I had our best talks about most everything in life.

My d calls me that she needs me to put the stairs in the pool. I said I am busy at the moment I will be over in an hour to do it. She calls me 20 minutes later asking where I was when wasn’t I going to do it? I told her nicely I was busy and will be over in 20 minutes. Leaving what I was doing a little sooner. Then when I get there my d asks me to put up the water slide bounce house. I do that, then it was windy some of the decorations blew off, she asked me to fix them, I did. Then I ran out and got the food for the party. Never once did she say thank you.

I think part of this shows your NGS. As the adult in the situation, you should never have a victim mentality when dealing with your child. If she took advantage, it's b/c YOU allowed the child to take advantage of the adult. If it had been one of students, how would you have handled the phone calls?

As for her not thanking you? You didn't say whether or not you called her out about it, but if you didn't.....then who is to blame for your daughter's sense of entitlement and rudeness on this particular time? These are things you must stay on top of as she goes through her tweens/teens. Just like you said that your students "know" by the look on your face........I knew by my parents look, too. They did not have to say a word.......just one look, and I did what I was suppose to do. When children get this type of parenting/teaching from the beginning of their life, or the beginning of a class with a new teacher.......it works really well. But if you wait until later and then start trying to enforce appropriate behavior, the war is on! B/c it is a power struggle, and they will use every trick, push every button, and wear you down! They may be kids, but they know YOU and how to work you for their advantage. No matter who the adult may be in their life at any given moment......they quickly learn which adult they can take run over, and which adult they have to obey.

But yet my 12d doesn’t listen to anybody for anything. I’m sorry but the milkshake was a reward and extra. And I said that to my d. That because of her behavior and lack of respect that she did not earn a milkshake.

This goes back to what I was saying about kids knowing the rules. If your kids have been raised to "know" that milkshakes are always a reward for good behavior, good grades, improved in whatever.......then they understand when they misbehave, let the grades slide, or don't improve in whatever.......they won't get a milkshake. For some kids, a milkshake is simply identified as food. That's what I meant in my previous post about 21st century kids. For most, milkshakes are not a special treat, much less, seen as a reward. This is what I wanted you to see. If she thought you were just being mean to her, rather than teaching her, then what you wanted to accomplish may have fallen by the wayside.

Say, for example, on the day of her birthday party she did some similar action, and to punish her you wouldn't allow her to have a slice of birthday cake. Everyone around her was eating her birthday cake, but not the birthday girl. To me, it just looks mean, b/c I think she could be discipline in something other than her birthday party. Some people might agree with this method, like some parents send kids to bed without supper.....or dessert. I just don't use that method, however, I made plenty of mistakes when my kids were growing up. Now that I am a grandparent, I can see how some methods of discipline causes more contention, rather than actually teaching the child to behave respectfully. When the parent takes the wrong route to discipline, it causes deep resentment to set in the child's heart. These are things they don't forget and carry around for the rest of their life. I believe older kids need to feel remorse.........but just like some wayward adults, they just don't feel remorse b/c they are rebelling. However, they need to be able to connect the dots of their bad behavior to the consequences that quickly follow.

It's tough, very tough. As parents, it's often not easy to always know which punishment fits the crime. For example, I have seen kids plan for months to attend once in a lifetime event, and then do something to make the parent mad and have to stay home and miss that once in lifetime event. Now, if the parents told the kids going to this event was based on good behavior, and would miss it if they misbehaved........then that's laying it out where everyone knows the rules.

Yet, I tell my d she can’t have a milkshake because she closed the door in my face refused to open the door and giving me a hard time about going out for breakfast. I’m suppose to just stand behind the door and ask her why she is angry. I’m sorry that is not alpha behavior. Giving her a milkshake just because she asks is not alpha behavior.

What?! Are you putting your daughter and wife into the same basket?

That is being disrespected and then taking advantage of. I know I am going to get attacked on here for this, but at what point do I put my foot down??

You need to understand how she was taking advantage of you? I fully get how she was disrespecting you when at the house, but I don't understand the rest. Again, I'm not attacking. You are trying hard to do the right thing in this emotional mess, and I simply want to help by offering a little of what I've observed and experienced in life. That's all. Listen, one of my teenagers was so rebellious.....and it was a power struggle like you wouldn't believe. I didn't have my spouse's support either. He was the nice guy, and I was always the parent who was in charge of the discipline. Anyway, I was bound & determined that my kids would respect me. They might not like me.....but they would respect me. Being the only parent who would discipline, I felt I had to be extra hard since I was the female. Plus, my own parents were strict, so that was the pattern from which I learned. However, they did not have my rebellious teenager. There was some unresolved resentment for many years, due to how I had chosen to administer punishment/discipline. It really hurts to discover years later that your kid(s) have buried anger over how you handled something. But please don't misunderstand what I'm saying. I am not suggesting parents shouldn't discipline their kids.

I'm fully on board about putting your foot down, okay? You have been reading new material, and trying to implement it. I'm not pointing fingers just at you, b/c I see this so often when people come here and are trying to make improvements in very difficult situations. I've seen just a few cases where the H would be having trouble with his daughter, and sometimes, things would start getting blurry. You know, all the stuff with the W and daughter would start running together. Your D is not your W, even if your W acts as if she's 12.

I'm glad your child is in therapy. IDK how much your W had to do with the child having this obsession, but I have a sneaky feeling she isn't innocent in all of this. Anyway, it sounds as if mother needs as much therapy as the child. Your child not only has an unhealthy or unusual attachment for her mother, but makes no bones about not sharing the same feelings for her father. That makes it difficult for you when it comes to putting your foot down. When a parent is going through stressful times, it is a challenge to always discipline in a loving way. Don't do it from a place of anger (toward the child, someone else, or a situation). Don't do something that appears vindictive. The child needs to know (if old enough to understand) that they are being disciplined b/c you care what type of person they become.

Since you and W are separated, you may need to stop going inside her place to spend time with the kids. She's not going to allow you to discipline while she's around, so to save face......you may have to tell them to be ready to go when you pull up in the driveway. If your W is not going to show a united parental front to the kids, then all you can do is set the rules of conduct when they are with you. I've seen one my grandchildren go from one parent's place where there are practically no rules whatsoever, to the other parent's place where the rules are very defined. Poor thing will probably grow up with a split personality.......b/c he acts completely different, depending on which parent has him at the time.

Sorry, I had no idea this post had grown so much.

[Ready2Change]

. I said if you get an 85 or higher I will take her to fix her phone. I am going to try the opposite with her. Almost like how people train animals, positive reinforcement. I will start dangling “carrots” for her. I’m tired of the yelling and punishing her.

Perfect.

Question for everyone. I really want to do the right thing. Since this separation I have been taking my kids out to dinner all the time so we were not in the house. The problem is I can’t afford it anymore. I want to start cooking for my kids in the house. For those of you have been with me for a long time you know my situation. It’s still my house I just don’t live there anymore. How do I do this? I want to start cooking again in my house, is this ok? Do I ask w or do I just tell her look these days I will be in the house cooking for the kids. Please advise!!!!

I would draft up a "Statement" starting with this:

H:"W, this is not working for me anymore"


let us refine it with you.



I try to give "Two choices" that I am OK with.


"Money is tight, so I plan on grilling burgers at the house this friday for the kids. Would you prefer to join us or do your own thing?"

[Ready2Change]

How will MsWolf respond? Maybe "no way!" How will you respond? How will she respond to your response?

Work out the details of the "worse case". Will she call the cops??

[IHCLACS]

Wolfie I have to ask you a question I want you to answer it honestly? I'm just projecting my own thoughts feelings and experiences here with my sich. But I'm just curious? What hurts more to you? Losing your wife's love? The breakup of the family? Or the fact that you have to make some very huge lifestyle changes because of someone else's decision to leave? I was just curious as to which one is affecting you more at the phase that you are currently at? Does losing your trust in your wife and vice versa make you angry at times? And you are just willing to say the hell with this it's not worth my emotional well-being? We don't know who this person is anymore? Does the idea of splitting up the family and starting a new lifestyle make you angry frustrated and sad all the same time? I'm sure when you have these thoughts you experience different emotions at different times, depending on how you are thinking about it? All of these emotions to deal with for a lot of different reasons? Whether it be trust compatibility communication finances family housing money logistics ways of different perception and thinking? It's funny how we started off on the same page at the beginning of all of our marriages but now we are on totally different planets. Whether it be for cheating reasons for resentments or trust issues bad habits bad behaviors and so on. What is it like for you right now? Does the idea of your wife really match your life and where you are currently at? Do you feel like right now you need to find another purpose in your life other than your wife, to get you happy to help you heal? do you feel like you need some type of companionship or compatibility with another person to give your life meaning? I'm noticing that the more deeper I get into my sits in the worse it gets the more I start the process these things, the more I realize I'm mirroring her behavior some seven months ago on BD day. Emotionally shutting down trying to find an independent purpose loss of sense of self, mild depression and lack of motivation, resentment trust issues ETC. It's weird it's like now I understand. But it won't change anything. I can always change my behaviors and how I show up in front of people but my core values principles and beliefs will never change, unless I choose to change them if they're not serving me. I don't think my wife knows what hers are, she need to learn her core values through her current emotions from counseling. What are your thoughts Wolfy? What have you been feeling lately? Like you have no control? Not that any of us would ever want to control another person. But not having control over the lifestyle changes really does stink and is just really scary