Figuring it all out

[Ginger1]

Hahaha! I meant to take something out and I guess I didn’t take it out all the way.

I saw him be imperfect last night! While it was slightly embarrassing ( I won’t get into details) I was like “I knew he was human too!”

[DonH]

I saw him be imperfect last night! While it was slightly embarrassing ( I won’t get into details) I was like “I knew he was human too!”

Lol, say what you want but I'm telling you M and me are so much alike. ^^^^^^^^^^^^. This is what someone would say about me. And I'm I'm totally not perfect and very human but always try my best to be my best. And when I talk about what I want I'm totally talking 20 years ago - not to say. I'm guessing M wants more than I do at this point but I was him at his age.

And to that end its not his don he's worried about. That's what you are missing. You are correct it's time. His din coukd totally see you two being more affectionate. But to do so makes it more real to him. I'm telling you I see so much of me 20 years ago in him. Just keep this in mind if you talk with him about it. It's not his son he's protecting - it's himself.

And this doesn't mean he dies not want you - he does - he's just scared of it and doing all the things you are wanting makes it totally real without a comfortable exit. He's scared of it. I know this because I lived it.

[Ginger1]

Well, I brought it up last night and we didn’t see eye to eye on it. He’s not ready yet. Not because he is trying to have an exit strategy., he is dealing with huge amount of unbelievable baby mama drama and he is scared of “confusing” him and he wants us to spend more and more time together so he gets used to it and doesn’t become resentful . I honestly think his son would be really happy when he found out. Or just not care all that much . We don’t see eye to eye on it, but in the end it’s his choice.but I certainly let him know how it made me feel and what my thoughts were on it.

That being said it lead to a pretty big relationship talk. Which. Ended to happen. He said he senses frustration from me and like all of a sudden I want to move forward. I said I have been frustrated because it seems like we are moving backwards. He assured me it had nothing to do with me, he isn’t moving backwards, he is right where he was but his energy is indeed focused on his baby mama drama. He said I need to know he loves me and his feelings about me didn’t change.

In a nutshell. His stuff he is going through is going to take precedence now. Everything is still hugely affecting him and is ongoing. He said if he seems hesitant to rush into anything, it’s not me, it’s the horror he went through with his ex. He told me I was amazing and having me by his side means the world to him. He said no else should have to carryHe dated 3 girls since the divorce and I the only one who met his son. He said he feels bad and no one should have to carry this around and any other woman would have run from this

He ended up inviting me to his son’s preschool graduation. Where his ex will be. I accepted the invite.

What it boils down to: his needs are coming first right. Now and mine are going to have to take the back burner. I am going to have to really deal with some stuff with him for a while. And that happens in relationships. I hope that it balances out eventually. I did say to him I will give him space and he could put his energy where it needs to go and I won’t push anything, but I want a natural progression of our relationship when the drana clears a little and things get calmer . He agreed to that.

This is very hard. I’ve never been in this sitch. I truly love this guy. I do think I am a very important part of his life, but I’m going to have to be really patient. I’s not going to be easy. And I think through this process I really need to focus on myself and give myself lots of self care. I have fears, that I will get through all of this with him, and he will drop me and move on to some other woman. But those are just unfounded fears.

I can do this. And I hope he would do the same for me if I needed him as much.

[JujuB]

I think that is huge that he invited you to his sons preschool graduation. I don’t think I would invite a boyfriend to an even if I knew my ex was going to be there - and my ex honestly could care less.

With ex wives (especially narcissistic ones)- seeing a girlfriend present only increases the drama. It makes them more vindictive. So I think he’s really trying to compromise here and he is showing you he wants you to share big moments in him and his sons life.

[bttrfly]

^^^ he's going thru h3double hockey sticks with the ex and he still invited you. very huge. yes, to lots of self care right now.

always look at the long range goal. it's a marathon, not a sprint.

xoxoxo

[Dawn70]

I said this in a post a week or so ago and I'm repeating it now to make sure I'm not coming across negative, but I am NOT advocating that you ditch M. He seems like a stand up guy in many ways. However, I think you really need to take a good, hard, long look at what you are willing to be patient with and settle for. You say his needs are coming first right now and you have to be very patient until all the drama dies down. I think it is a hugely positive sign that he invited you to the graduation, knowing his XW will be there. And, I feel bad for him that his XW is SO drama-filled. That can't be good for anyone. My fear, though, is that the "drama dying down" is NOT going to be a quick process. How old is this kid again? I may be getting my stories crossed with J9 and his doctor lady, but I was thinking the kid is younger than your D11, right? Several years younger? Be prepared for mama drama until that kid is in college and I dare say it will NOT "die down" at any point for more than a week or a month or so before something will stir her up again, most likely some weird manufactured crap that any normal person would not even notice. When M's son announces to his mother that M has a girlfriend, all h3ll will break loose. When M's son talks about your D11, XW will make snide comments towards both of you and will do everything in her power to "help" M's son see that daddy is choosing your D11 over him. I realize I don't know M's XW personally, but having lived the situation that you are in now, I guarantee you these things will happen at some point. Just like WAS have a script, so do crazy XWs with little ones. Sadly, M and his son will be caught in the middle, not because you want them there or try to put them there, but because she will. She will work hard to turn her son against M by dragging you and D11 through the mud. M will be put in a position of having to defend you (which, by all indications, he will) and then she'll use that against him. I know, I know, I did not succeed at not sounding negative and I could be way off base here. I HOPE that I am. But I dealt with an XW in a relationship that was the biggest drama mama on the planet and she pulled every tactic she could to manipulate and punish her XH and used the kids against him. The first time I met her (I had already met the kids), she said to the kids, right in front of me and their dad "so, y'all have met this one of your dad's whores?" Yeah.........lovely, right? My whole point to this post is be prepared. If you are truly in it for the long haul and you are ok with being patient and waiting for him, more power to you, but be prepared, just like bttrfly said, because this is going to be a LONG marathon. Good luck!

[Ginger1]

It really does speak volumes to me that he invited me to the graduation. I told him that I don’t want to cause extra problems for them by going. He is not concerned . And he said he is sure he mentioned us to his mom already.

He’s invited us again to movie night and they are coming to my nephews pool party Sunday. He clearly does want to spend more time with the kids together.

I know this is going to be a long long road and it’s likely never going to end. I guess my hope is it will come to a point where it won’t suck up all of his energy and he will be able to give our relationship the attention it deserves.

The long range goal is what I’m keeping my eyes on. I just have a fear I will put in all of this patience and work and sacrifice and get dumped at the end. That fear is unfounded, but it’s there anyways.

This is really hard and a really tough situation. I’m going to take it one day at a time for now.

[Dawn70]

One day at a time is a good thing. It is a difficult situation and one that does require a lot of patience on your part and communication on both of your parts to navigate. But, you already knew all that because you are smart. I think my real fear for you in all of it is that you have said before that in past relationships, you have put others' needs before your own and it seems like you are doing that in this situation as well. The positive that I see here is that he's trying. He invited you to the graduation and invited you to do other things and those are positive steps. But, then you seem frustrated by the lack of affection in front of his son and when you addressed that, I still don't think you were satisfied with his response, so just be careful. I would hate for you to push your needs to the back burner to the point that you start resenting M for such things. I really am rooting for you both and hope that at some point, he gets some peace from dealing with the demons, so to speak, so that he can focus on your relationship and give it the attention that it (and you) deserve. Just don't settle.

[DonH]

Uggggg it's always so complicated. No one can really know what M is thinking and feeling nor know how it will all end. I most certainly don't - I just have hunches and things that make me question things. On top of it all, like some of the other have said, I don't think you should be considering dumping him - which you clearly are not. I also don't think he is not in love with you - I think he is - just on his terms and as much as he can be. There are just things that make me question.

It really does speak volumes to me that he invited me to the graduation. I told him that I don’t want to cause extra problems for them by going. He is not concerned . And he said he is sure he mentioned us to his mom already.

This speaks volumes to me as well - just perhaps not in the same way. You say that he's having huge problems with ex and that is the reason he's being cautious and for lack of a better term, pulling back or keeping you at arms length at times. Yet he's willing to bring you to something that might cause problems? Yes this could certainly be seen as a really good thing (and it is) but to me it really makes me wonder if ExW is really the source of his pulling back. If it were, he'd not want to risk having you there. I think it may be an excuse - I just do, just like I think the affection in front of his son, or going to lake meetings, etc. are excuses for him to stay in his comfort zone. As to "he mentioned us to his mom" - as in mentioned that you exist or that you might be coming to this event? Totally makes sense that he may have mentioned you attending - much less so if he's not sure if he's mentioned to his mom that you exist? (sorry I can't remember if you've met his mom or not) I'd certainly think at 10 months that you have - if not, hmmmmmm another question.

The long range goal is what I’m keeping my eyes on. I just have a fear I will put in all of this patience and work and sacrifice and get dumped at the end. That fear is unfounded, but it’s there anyways.

Why shouldn't he fear that you might dump him? Why is it you have to endure all of this, give the sacrifice, but he may still then dump you? How has the dynamic come to this? He should fear you may dump him for all of the things you've been writing about - yet that doesn't seem to be even a concern for either of you - it's the other way around. See how the dynamic is sorta shifted all to him with you being the one who sacrifices and gives up things? It is with this that I so much agree with Dawn when she says " I would hate for you to push your needs to the back burner to the point that you start resenting M for such things." It is sort of sounding like the dynamics from previous Rs for you Ginger where you have to just go along with what the guy wants so you can see him and then you do just that only for him to dump you later - which again is your fear - but see how you are sorta starting to go there? I think you need to shift this dymnaic a bit more towards, look buddy, I'm a catch and if you're not seeing that, you might need to start worrying that I'm going to move on - rather than, okay, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll compromise, I'll forgo.

The thing is for both you and M, you can't change what the other person is going to do - you can only change how you react to it. He's not going to change what his exW does - he can only change how he reacts to it - and currently at least he says he's reacting to it by changing how he interacts with you. It's the same with you - you can't change what he's going to do, not directly, you can only change how you react to it.

It's just going to take more time. You'll know in a year. I know that's not what you'd hope to hear but it's not like there are reasons to dump him and more on at this point. I think the good still outweighs the bad. But pay attention to all of these excuses and see if they don't either continue or shift. "It's not you, it's the ExW" "It's not you it's the baby mama drama", "It's not you it's my son" It's not you it's my need for time alone." I think deep down this is what you are feeling and it's that gut feeling that is making you wonder.

Ugggggggg it really is so complicated and difficult.

[Dawn70]

Why shouldn't he fear that you might dump him? Why is it you have to endure all of this, give the sacrifice, but he may still then dump you? How has the dynamic come to this? He should fear you may dump him for all of the things you've been writing about - yet that doesn't seem to be even a concern for either of you - it's the other way around. See how the dynamic is sorta shifted all to him with you being the one who sacrifices and gives up things?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS!!!!!!!!! SO MUCH THIS!!!!!!!! I don't think you should dump him and I do think there is genuine love there and good things happening, but why is it about you enduring all of this then getting dumped? Why isn't it about him having to "step up" so to speak and meet you half-way to avoid being dumped by you, an amazing woman? Don made my point for me even better than I did originally.