I did a search on the interenet and this stood out:
Quote
Just go straight ahead and get the matter before a judge as soon as you can. Don''t waste time and money trying to negotiate with someone who refuses to engage with the process.
I am thinking something like this:
H"W, When you say you want a divorce, but then refuse to negotiate, I feel frustrated. Negotiation is part of the divorce process. I have given you my proposal. I expect a response by (this date). If you do not respond, I will petition the courts asking for mediation. Thanks for your attention on this matter."
I learned that giving the other person two choices (both of which I am fine with) works well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That's the trick AS - where to draw the battle line.
She has also proposed we just do a temporary schedule for now so I can move out of the house. I'm not too keen on a temporary deal but I really do want out and into my own space....
It's really up to you but I will say that this happened to me: in the 11th hour when the D was ready to file my XW suddenly hit me with additional unexpected expenses in the D settlement. I think it was something like 15k, so not a small amount. I asked her via text, very politely, if we could sit down and discuss these added items because I didn't understand her description. And believe me that is putting it mildly, what she sent me was absolute gibberish, it was incomprehensible. What I got in response was surprising, it was a fuming rant that I needed to lawyer up and we would let the lawyers fight it out in court, and "believe me, I will tell them everything and you will come out on the losing end". I literally had no idea what she meant by "tell them everything", her response just stunned me. All the D negotiations had been quite peaceful up to that point, and here she was suddenly turning into the wicked witch of the west.
Anyway I felt all the depression and anxiety that I had finally put behind me starting to creep in again, and the thought of a prolonged court battle and possible slip back into depression really had me concerned. 15k wasn't worth some possibly very serious health issues to me, especially at a time when I was in a very fragile recovery. So I finally replied back "I simply wanted you to explain where you came up with these amounts as I didn't understand your description, but if you feel this is fair then I will trust you and sign off on it." And I did, and I don't regret it one bit because it was all over, signed, filed and done shortly after.
Divorce is compromise and usually neither part walks away thinking they "won". Try to negotiate a settlement you can live with, even if it's not the one you would have preferred.
I literally had the same thing happen. EXWW was threatening to tell the judges "everything". I had already spoke with several L's. I was doing nothing to worry about. I simply responded to her telling her that she isnt going to bully me.
I had to repeat that recently when she started demanding I owe her thousands of dollars in household expenses.
That reminds me, I need to call the court to see if they added the child support to the divorce or if there isnt any expectation of child support.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks for the input all. I will say that my W seems a bit different than most of the Ws I read about here in that she does not threaten to go into court. She wants an amicable settlement, so she says. I have said a few times that if we can't reach an agreement I am fine going to court, and she takes this as threats from me. I'm not threatening, it's just a fact that we either settle or we go to court, it's that simple. I don't want this outcome but it is hanging over us because we do not have an agreement and divorce papers have been filed. My L says we can delay the court case for quite awhile because the judge wants us to reach an agreement.
I am now 7 months past BD. I felt better at month 5 than I do now for some reason, maybe because now 1) I am getting into important negotiations that are stressful and 2) the reality of an actual physical separation is here, which will impact the kids greatly. It really is a bit of a rollercoaster, I was up pretty high and now I am back down a little. I still look to the future with much optimism, but a major life change is imminent and I know there will be some shyt to slog through. PMA has been key. Have to say that I can see how some people just get crushed by BD and D and go into a tailspin because it's tough stuff. I feel for those folks and am grateful that for whatever reason I have a solid frame that can take the hits without imploding. I think I need to thank my Dad for helping establish this. I think I will call him today.
Well it's been a few weeks since I posted and in the interim W sent me a response to my custody proposal. She wants a completely different schedule than we talked about, she wants the best holiday schedule and a shorter time frame on being able to introduce new love interests to the kids. No real surprise on any of this I guess.
I have not responded and am weighing my options. First option, and the current leader, is filing forms with the court asking for my preferred custody schedule. W will hit the roof if I do this but I truly do not care. Option 2 is to respond by changing things back to my preferences on the document and sending it back to her. Option 3 is straight to mediation, but I have to say I do not feel good about spending thousands on a mediator who may not be able to broker a deal, then I am out that money.
I am still IHS, eager to move out and on with life but not going to move an inch until I am satisfied it will not hurt my sitch. Until I get some basic terms agreed to in writing I am not going anywhere.
I did an overnighter with my S and a few of his friends and their dads, went to a baseball game and then spent the night at a hotel. So much fun. One of the other dads and I went to grab a beer on the concourse, and he said he didn't mean to pry but that my W had told his W that we were on the rocks. I told him we are beyond that, we are done, it's just a matter of the paperwork. He then stunned the shyt out of me by cheerfully saying "Congratulations! Sorry I don't mean to talk out of turn but I'm sure there is someone out there that will be much better for you. I just want what's best for you man."
This is a guy who I have only known for 2 years and don't see that much of. His W interacts some with my W due to kids stuff. But we do not hang out very much, so somehow he and/or his W have seen enough to develop an opinion where he is congratulating me on getting divorced from this woman. I swear this kind of input always throws me.
Hope everyone here is doing well and marching forward, back with another update soon!
Looks like the condo I am going to rent will be available in about a month. The owner is having some work done and I said no problem. While I have no specific custody agreement yet, in W's filing with the court she agreed to 50/50 legal and physical custody, and my L says that is enough to protect me if I move out.
Why am I the one moving out? Because W will buy me out with her dad's money or we will sell. Either way, I'm not keeping the house. I wish I had seen BD coming years ago and prepared myself financially, I might have been able to keep the house which would be amazing because I love the place. But can't change the past.
Also, after 8 months IHS has about run its course. I'm ready for a physical split. I believe there are a few vets here that believe IHS can be counter-productive, which I think after awhile is probably true. Talked to my dad yesterday and he said "I don't know how you've been doing it man." I said "it's all intestinal fortitude." "God bless you" he said. LOL.
Looks like the condo I am going to rent will be available in about a month. The owner is having some work done and I said no problem. While I have no specific custody agreement yet, in W's filing with the court she agreed to 50/50 legal and physical custody, and my L says that is enough to protect me if I move out.
Why am I the one moving out? Because W will buy me out with her dad's money or we will sell. Either way, I'm not keeping the house. I wish I had seen BD coming years ago and prepared myself financially, I might have been able to keep the house which would be amazing because I love the place. But can't change the past.
Also, after 8 months IHS has about run its course. I'm ready for a physical split. I believe there are a few vets here that believe IHS can be counter-productive, which I think after awhile is probably true. Talked to my dad yesterday and he said "I don't know how you've been doing it man." I said "it's all intestinal fortitude." "God bless you" he said. LOL.
Gekko, if you can look back in 10-15-20 years without regret, and honestly tell yourself that 8 months was long enough, then I say go for it. However, if you don't think you'll be able to do that, regrets last a lifetime.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are not the typical LBS. Do you feel like you have made positive personal growth changes over the past 8 months?
I have. The biggest thing is that I have cut out the defensive responses and counter-attacks to W's criticisms and barbs. It's not the right way to handle her shyt. I've got that part down really well now. I have a different mindset and reaction to when W violates my boundaries - completely calm, matter-of-fact, never triggered (outwardly...). But I do call her out every single time she spews an insult. I never let them go. I just can't sit back and accept it. And she just can't help herself, she can't seem to just stop. But I am definitely calm. Sometimes I am spinning on the inside but I hold it down. When that goes away, I think I'll have really made it to where I want to be.
How to be truly friendly to someone that always seems to have a poison dart ready to fire at me? What a tough sitch man. So she's a snide clerk at the store, how do you interact with the snide condescending critical clerk? She can be nice but then a minute later - zing! - here comes the snide dart. It sux.
So I feel like I've got the response part down well, but the overall friendly interaction...? Needs work but it's a mountain to climb, it's Everest in my sitch, and W's at the summit rolling down rocks and ice on my head. Every time I feel like I'm getting into a decent spot, another snide comment comes raining down and I just want to get out and away.
Gekko, if you can look back in 10-15-20 years without regret, and honestly tell yourself that 8 months was long enough, then I say go for it. However, if you don't think you'll be able to do that, regrets last a lifetime.
Thanks Steve. Right after BD I told W she was free to move to the guest suite or right on out the door to get "space". I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't. But the legal process is moving ahead and decisions on the house have to be made. At some point I look weak if I'm not decisive. For many months I gave W the "I'm evaluating my options" line, but that ship has sailed. I eventually told W I will not buy her out, so W and her dad are going to buy me out and we've been talking numbers, or a possible sale of the house if we can't agree. W has been pressing for awhile. She wants out and if I go silent on the house issue I am standing in her way, appearing to be intentionally roadblocking D, and looking weak IMHO.
Based on my sitch I have little doubt the right move now is to get out of the house and either cut a deal on a buyout or list the house. IHS with someone who is pressing the D process......is not fun. I'm not helping her, but I can't endlessly block her either. Trust me I wish I had the cash to buy the house, then she could hit the bricks, but that's not my sitch.
I have a great IC and have a lot of tools on how to deal with W better than in the past. I have no plans to stop DBing. But W is going to have to get into therapy and make some significant changes if I am ever going to consider a R with her. I can't control that and therefore spend little time wondering or hoping about it. I am focused on myself and learning how to be a better man. A lifelong process.
As for regrets, who can predict? Do I have regrets as to how I responded to W's harshness, attacks and insults? In general terms, standing up for myself and calling her out on her BS? No regrets there. But some regret on the defensiveness, counterattacks and stonewalling. Plenty of room for improvement there. Regrets regarding the D? No. W is pulling the plug. I told her I wanted to work it out, get into therapy, and she said no chance. While I played a role in the underlying issues, and accept such, progressing to D is her deal. So it's doubtful I will ever regret moving into another place at this stage instead of hanging on IHS for however long the legal process would allow me.
I had a conversation with my aunt (we are very close) today, she is very concerned that I am the one moving out of the house because she thinks W will use that against me in the future when discussing the D with the kids, as if D were my idea and I was breaking up the family. I told her that if W is intent on playing that game, she could do it regardless of who moves out. If she moved out she could say she didn't want to but I was treating her so poorly she had no choice, etc.
Aunt thinks that both of us should move out and sell the house so we are on equal footing. I told her that I want the kids to stay in the house for awhile so they have that comfort of the same house 50% of the time, that 2 new houses is too much right now and not necessary. I also told her that if W wants to slam me she will find a way in this scenario as well - "I wanted to keep the house but Daddy is making us sell it."
Sometimes I feel like my family is suffering more than me. I am doing a lot of comforting - "The kids are doing great so far (they are)"; "I've got everything under control, don't worry"; "i'm actually doing really well in spite of the sitch, life is pretty good believe it or not"; blah blah blah. Everyone says they can hear in my voice that I'm solid and it seems to alleviate some of their stress. I can sense their relief at the end of our phone calls. It feels good to help them get there.
