Josh, you cannot nice her back. All being "nice" will do is make you look weak and unworthy of respect. Which means she won't be reattracted to you. Women's attraction follows respect.
I know. It's like instinct. I'm reflecting on two things I did today where instantly offered to do something nice so W wasn't inconvenienced. The positive is that not being nice is a healthy change for me and demonstrates a 180. My current WIP. Not to be so nice and to enforce more boundaries.
Wife's birthday in two weeks. Old Josh says get a card, write you are the most important relationship to me, and get her a gift certificate to a spa.
Not so nice Josh thinks this is pursuing and that W needs to know what it will be like "as friends". He suggests an SMS on the day or a verbal happy birthday should they see each other in the morning. Plus a card from the kids.
Seriously though, what's appropriate? Over the years I gave nice thoughtful gifts and hers were not thoughtful and even IOUs that never materialised.
Thinking out loud, maybe I could just ask what she wants to do and take it from there...
Seriously though, what's appropriate? Over the years I gave nice thoughtful gifts and hers were not thoughtful and even IOUs that never materialised.
Wow, seriously??? Man that is so messed up. How old are your kids? Are they to the age where her birthday would be a big deal to them and THEY would be upset if they didn't get her something? If so then help them pick something out. If they don't care then don't bother given her past behavior.
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Thinking out loud, maybe I could just ask what she wants to do and take it from there...
And do you think that would be alpha or beta behavior?
D8, S5. No I don't think they'd be upset. They can make her a card. That's it.
Interestingly, W seems to forget I have shared access to her calendar. There is a date in Oct to "Hire a lawyer, work out a creative coparenting arrangement, and make it official. A future of non-Disney enchantments awaits!" followed by a week-long trip to Bali. Then there is another entry a month later to move out and Josh moves nearby. Interesting how that would work since I've said I'm not moving out.
So my takeways are, besides Sandi's list which are gold, is think and act like an alpha-male friend. Helpful when I'm faced with a Nice Guy scenario.
Thanks guys for advice. I need work to do on dumping the H mindset and Mr Nice Guy boundaries.
So I tried the, I'm sleeping in the bed, you take the couch. I just got into bed and she asked when are you going to tell me? I said now. I wad on couch last night. Not happy but stood my ground. Remember I'm in vacation atm and it isn't fun. Then she talks about a deadline to do a property settlement. And wow, talk about eating cake. Family beach home goes in trust to kids with goal to turn into duplex, we split the halves and use until we die. Major city investment property to her and minor out of state to me. Which suits her because she can live in the city unit and use her half of beach house. Which doesn't suit me because I don't want to live near her and she winds up with more in her name! And if I ever want to repartner I don't have access to capital.
So this to me doesn't sound like a confused WAW. I've stalled but her rationale is she brought more to the marriage even though law doesn't see it that way. I always said I would look after family but now that my eyes are open to Mr. Nice Guy I see this as more selfishness. I do want to look after my kids but not at the expense of my future.
I feel DB isn't working and the more I get sucked into these conversations the further reconciliation seems. I feel her acceptance of my boundaries is more resignation. There is no OP AFAIK (just brief EA lasting couple weeks).
Let me rephrase, DB is working for me. I have expectation that we could be back together. And there lies my problem I guess.
Oh my gosh you've got to be kidding! Wow, the fantasy world some WAS's live in just blows my mind. A couple in my neighborhood split up, the woman was a WAS. She left, got her own place, engaged in a GGW lifestyle and got a tattoo of a dragonfly on her lower back with text in Latin that translated to "She's Finally Free!" 6 months later she was back at home like nothing ever happened.
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So I tried the, I'm sleeping in the bed, you take the couch. I just got into bed and she asked when are you going to tell me? I said now. I wad on couch last night. Not happy but stood my ground.
Good. And no, don't expect her to like it. It's all about gaining back respect which she absolutely will NOT like giving you. You're laying the groundwork for her to see you and respect you and admire you as a person at some point down the road, not right now.
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Family beach home goes in trust to kids with goal to turn into duplex, we split the halves and use until we die. Major city investment property to her and minor out of state to me. Which suits her because she can live in the city unit and use her half of beach house. Which doesn't suit me because I don't want to live near her and she winds up with more in her name! And if I ever want to repartner I don't have access to capital.
If it doesn't suit you then flat out tell her you do not find it acceptable. If she asks what you do find acceptable then tell her whatever it is- selling everything and splitting the proceeds, or her buying you out or whatever it is. Don't buy into HER fantasy break-up. Stand your ground and fight for your rights.
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I feel DB isn't working and the more I get sucked into these conversations the further reconciliation seems.
I've read so many sitches over the years, and of those that reconciled almost without exception it didn't happen until the LBS said they were convinced it was impossible and they completely let go. You know that saying "it's always darkest just before the dawn", there's a lot of truth in it when it comes to recon.
Josh, do not give up the MBR or marital bed. Period. Do not get into a "tonight I sleep on the couch, tomorrow you do" arrangement.
When you are ready, get ready, and go get in bed. Even if she is in there first. When she protests, calmly say: "I understand how you feel, however, this is my bed and I am going to sleep here. If you'd prefer to sleep elsewhere that is up to you." Then turn over and go to sleep.
On the property plan. Listen to AS. Solid advice. I'd also talk to a D attorney, ASAP. Trust me on this, it is one of the best moves I made in my sitch! When she brings it up remember a response like this: "There is a lot to consider and I am not ready to give you any answers right now." If she pushes, listen and validate.
DB isn't working? So many LBSs fall into the trap of "I did this DB technique, and my W threatened to file for D. It doesn't work." Let me ask you, other than talking, what actions has she taken? Has she filed? Moved out? Hired an attorney? My W loved to throw out her "plans" in my sitch. I remember the night I told her that in order to stay together we would need complete transparency. She said "Ok, I need to work on my resume and get things moving." As in she was moving forward with the D. She worked on it that night and the next morning, then abandoned it. I had a bad moment where I asked her to see her phone, she handed it over and then came back that she was going to file for D because it was never going to work. When you do something she doesn't like she will talk. But what are her actions? Believe nothing she says. Nothing. Positive or negative. And believe only have of what she does.
Josh, you make one DBing move (taking back the MBR) and then declare DB a failure. These things take time. Some of the best advice I got in my sitch was to not gauge her temperature every minute, hour, or day. Our sitches are like the stock market. There will be minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day fluctuations. Judge things by trend over time. Take stock once a month, or every other month. Ask yourself how well you DB'd (GAL, 180s, detachment). Then see what effect it may have had on your sitch. Not just with her, but with you.
You got this man!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Get a lawyer as soon as possible. She thinks, based on all of your prior interactions, that you'll just fold and accept whatever she says the settlement will be. Disabuse her of that notion. Do this with respect to your marital property and your future custody rights.
Do you think she's planning to go to Bali by herself?
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Thanks guys. Yeah she is full of talk. Only real action to date was to leave MBR and announce separation. No other action has been taken. I was thinking of finding a D lawyer so I'm prepared but if no action has been taken l yet what is the advantage now? To know realistically what could happen? If she finds out wouldn't that just escalate things? If she handed me something to sign I'd totally be getting a lawyer. But now?
Her view is to secure property before moving out. She doesn't want to rent so clearly not that desperate to move out. Her period is coming up and heavy talks seem to always arise around that time. Which is now, of course.
My DB actions have included GAL and 180s and when we are back home (remember im on vacation atm) I'll be doing more GAL including a weekend away.
Yeah I've been thinking about the property thing over and over and will think of something. She tried to guilt about my promise to keep family house, but nothing was said about this new fantasy. I'll think of something but for sure I'm not letting her bully me into what she wants. Her D, she suffers the consequences. Kids are out of control today, don't think she realises how it will be when physically separated. Her fantasy is for me to move close by so that I can rescue her when kids are crazy. I've always said no when this talk comes up. It's weird how she is so sure how things need to end up. I'm really calm with kids and she isn't.
Anyway, thanks for reminding me, actions are what count. And no serious actions yet. I think back month by month and really not much has happened. Good reminder, this is just a blip.
Bali is most likely solo. I don't believe there is OM, as I haven't seen any scurrying into her bedroom in the evening like with her brief EA. What won't be happening is her asking me to take my leave so I can stay home with kids. That happened on her trip to Europe a few months back.
