Midlife wife crisis7

[IHCLACS]

Mine pool is black and IDGAF... Lol.. I'll start filtering it out this Sunday. I've turned black pools to Crystal clear in 3 weeks over the 4 of 7 years of having one. Didn't know squat before 7 years ago. Any of you guys need pool advise let me know.
Trouble Free Pool .com or TFP.com is the best forum for chem calculations and advise. They call it the SLAM method. Shock Level Adjust Maintain. I highly recommend avoiding pucks to maintain proper CYA. I used the BBB method. On usually over there helping all the newbies out this time of year on the forum.

What kind of system you running Wolfy?

[Wolfman]

Hi all. I want to thank you all for posting on my thread. I read them all the time and re-read them a lot so they can sink in. Last 3 days I have really been feeling depressed. I feel depressed because I feel like I have been duped or tricked or whatever you want to call it. I feel this way because of the way my w behaves. She is totally acting like a 21 year old. Who tries to come off like she is the best mom in the world. When really I see her caring less and less about the kids. A woman who always said family comes first. When now all she cares about is herself. We have an appointment with my d’s IC. She has known about this appointment for over a week. Today she text me that she can’t make the appointment she has “paperwork” to do for school. That is the biggest bunch of BS. So the paperwork comes before our kids mental health? Now I am starting to believe there is OM. I have been reading other people situations and there is a theme that people keep talking about. That they don’t know what they are doing they are confused. Or they are hurting too. I’m sorry I don’t see either with my w. I see someone who is loving the idea of divorce that half the time she does t have the kids or any responsibility and can go out and do what she wants. Going back to my original statement this is why I feel duped. Everything and anything she has said and done is complete 180 of who she is.

I’m sorry I am just very angry, hurt and depressed right now. I want to challenge a lot of the vets on here. Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting?? Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce. How does distance help bring a person back?? Distance in any relationship causes more distance. And isn’t that one of the reason our spaouse told us they wanted a divorce? They didn’t feel a connection, love or whatever else you want to call it. I feel my w is even more distant by me giving her time and space. And yes I know I shouldn’t have moved out. She is going out more and more. Staying out later and later. I don’t see her coming around, NEVER! If anything like I said she seems happier now that half the time she is free from family and responsibility.

I’m sorry you are right I am not detached or want this. And this is nothing worse or harder to deal with than when You have no control over something you don’t want!! I guess that is enough of me rambling. I am just truly heartbroken in every sense of heartbroken.

[97Hope]

Hi Wolf (((hugs))) sounds like a really tough night. I'm sorry. It does get better.

I'm not a vet but I will say that DB isn't about not divorcing, it is about the only hope for a R with anyone. I can attest to this as I was a WAW in 2005. Distance doesn't really cause more distance - not in a healthy R. I know it seems counterintuitive, but stick with GAL/180's and working on yourself. It's really your best hope.

All the best to you. Hang in there!!!

[ballast]

Wolf...after BD most of us are reeling and looking for any method to get our control back and return us to what we had pre-BD. So we read DB initially and think "aha!, this will bring them back. if I just do these things". Reality is, and this is no fault of DB, the desperation and hurt we LBSs feel when we get here causes us to mis-understand what DB really provides to us. I firmly believe that DB gives us the best chance to save our MR. Working on ourselves in all facets of life, learning about relationship topics that we never knew AND becoming better people, partners and parents. Truly if you apply what you can learn here it will well prepare you to come out the other side. Now here's the bad part...the bottom line fact is that no matter how much work you do on yourself or pray or GAL or detach or whatever, it ultimately takes two people to want to save an MR. Many times it's said we don't have control about whether the MR can be R'd or not. Obviously two people need to make the decision to want to stay married so in that instance you can't decide for the other person, BUT I do believe through your actions and self development you can have an impact on how your spouse decides.

I've been in your shoes. Many have. Could have written exactly what you wrote. Truth is I never had a single chance to save my MR. In 16 months never even got the chance to talk with my WW to understand what happened, why. It's cold, cruel, totally destroys us. And no matter what I did or felt or wanted, not a single D**N thing I could do to change it. When you have no other options, but to save yourself and be the best parent you can be...Where you are sometimes feels like a mental prison with no other exits but one you hate and until you reach acceptance you'll keep battling yourself to find any alternate way out of the situation you find yourself in. The reality is there IS a second door and if you commit to it, leave the allure of the other door behind, DB can show you a way out of your current situation.

Over time I've evolved to actually be compassionate, somewhat accepting and forgiving of my WW. My ability to do that is in direct relation to how far I've been able to heal myself on my own and move my own life forward. I can't say that I understand her, nor her reasons. Heck, I've never even heard them. It's said over and over, but truly just keep working on yourself and it will help move you along within you sitch. That said, no I wouldn't have ever done what she did, she clearly unilaterally let our family go and caused great changes in all of our lives. When you get to a point though...the thing is "Is she selfish?" OR did she has a person with feelings simply need something else for her life to make her happy? Are each of us not entitled to be happy? Those are VERY tough ideas about the WW for an LBS to come to terms with. For me, I've just gotten to a point where I focus on my life and my happiness and so the question of is she selfish or just trying to be happy stays outside of my head space. It's a question that holds lots of pain for me as an LBS. Especially if I say that I loved her.

Hang in there Wolf. There were many times I would take time out from this board as like you I kept hoping what I was learning would "work", but it never did. When you can get past the point of this trying to be a fix for your WW and your MR and see it more as a fix for YOU and YOUR LIFE, you will have switched gears and be moving forward. We say here alot you move forward, you move back. There is no one pace or path through our sitches. As always grant yourself the grace to forgive yourself and your emotions. Take the time and be patient in your life. You will get to the other side. MANY of us vets can assure you that you will.

-B

[Rose888]

There is no plan or advice or philosophy that can guarantee you can save your marriage. None.

Our spouses are adults who have the right to make choices for their own lives, and so there is no way to guarantee the marriage will be saved.

I've never read Divorce Busting, I read Divorce Remedy (which is, I believe) the more recent book. I don't see Michelle promising your marriage can be saved. I see her saying, you have the power to change the dynamic in your relationship by changing your own behavior.

Will the dynamic change enough to save the marriage? That depends on so many things: how strong the marriage was before BD, how "done" your spouse is at BD, whether or not there is an affair or substance abuse, how much value your spouse places on a shared past, how important it is to your spouse that your children (if any) live with both parents at the same time, etc., etc.

The advice in Divorce Remedy gives you the best chance to save your marriage by helping you identify behaviors that are making the situation worse and helping you change those behaviors.

The nice thing is that even if your changes are not enough to save the marriage, you will be better off in the end regardless. It's not that improving yourself is the primary goal, but it's a nice consolation prize.

As for distance--have you read about the pursuit and distance dynamic? Did you ever have someone have a crush on you that you didn't care for? Didn't that make you want to avoid them at all costs?

Now, I do think that many on the board confuse detachment (being emotionally differentiated from your spouse) with being cold or short, and I think that can make things worse, especially in cases where there isn't an OM or OW. But detachment/emotional differentiation is a good thing, even in marriages that aren't in crisis. It's just healthier to not have your mood determined by the actions and words of the people around you, and I think a lot of us don't spend enough time focusing on that aspect of divorce busting.

[Destroyd]

Hi all. I want to thank you all for posting on my thread. I read them all the time and re-read them a lot so they can sink in. Last 3 days I have really been feeling depressed. I feel depressed because I feel like I have been duped or tricked or whatever you want to call it. I feel this way because of the way my w behaves. She is totally acting like a 21 year old. Who tries to come off like she is the best mom in the world. When really I see her caring less and less about the kids. A woman who always said family comes first. When now all she cares about is herself. We have an appointment with my d’s IC. She has known about this appointment for over a week. Today she text me that she can’t make the appointment she has “paperwork” to do for school. That is the biggest bunch of BS. So the paperwork comes before our kids mental health? Now I am starting to believe there is OM. I have been reading other people situations and there is a theme that people keep talking about. That they don’t know what they are doing they are confused. Or they are hurting too. I’m sorry I don’t see either with my w. I see someone who is loving the idea of divorce that half the time she does t have the kids or any responsibility and can go out and do what she wants. Going back to my original statement this is why I feel duped. Everything and anything she has said and done is complete 180 of who she is.

I’m sorry I am just very angry, hurt and depressed right now. I want to challenge a lot of the vets on here. Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting?? Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce. How does distance help bring a person back?? Distance in any relationship causes more distance. And isn’t that one of the reason our spaouse told us they wanted a divorce? They didn’t feel a connection, love or whatever else you want to call it. I feel my w is even more distant by me giving her time and space. And yes I know I shouldn’t have moved out. She is going out more and more. Staying out later and later. I don’t see her coming around, NEVER! If anything like I said she seems happier now that half the time she is free from family and responsibility.

I’m sorry you are right I am not detached or want this. And this is nothing worse or harder to deal with than when You have no control over something you don’t want!! I guess that is enough of me rambling. I am just truly heartbroken in every sense of heartbroken.

Wolf, I am so sorry that you are feeling so depressed. I want you to know that you are not alone. I cry every day. I am certainly not at the point of starting to get over my sitch. Like you, I am having a hard time detaching. I just say these things to let you know that a lot of us are struggling.

We also struggle to find the best strategy to get our spouses back. I have so many conflicting strategies that I am in a constant state of confusion. But I do think that most of the DB is a great strategy. It is just very difficult to execute when someone you love so much has hurt you so badly, and you would do anything to fix the situation if you could.

You will be in my prayers Wolf. I pray that you get some mental strength today. I need mental strength prayers too.

[AnotherStander]

She is totally acting like a 21 year old. Who tries to come off like she is the best mom in the world. When really I see her caring less and less about the kids. A woman who always said family comes first. When now all she cares about is herself.

That's pretty typical WAS stuff though. I know it seems strange to see the woman you knew transform into someone you don't know, but that's part of it.

We have an appointment with my d’s IC. She has known about this appointment for over a week. Today she text me that she can’t make the appointment she has “paperwork” to do for school. That is the biggest bunch of BS.

Well she may not want to go because you are going to be there, she may be afraid that even though it's IC for D that you will find a way to turn it into MC. Focus on you and D and let W do what she's going to do. Part of separation is getting used to the fact that you are not half of a parenting team anymore. You are a single parent when you have D and the same goes for your W. I know that hurts to hear but it's your new reality and you need to adjust to it as quickly as you can so you don't keep allowing yourself to be hurt.

I’m sorry I am just very angry, hurt and depressed right now. I want to challenge a lot of the vets on here. Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting??

Well it's not, but "Divorce Busting" certainly sounds more snappy than "Learning to Survive With or Without Your Spouse." As the others said there are simply no guarantees that any marriage can be saved, and in that regard DB is no different. I think you have a better chance with DB than anything else though. But it takes time.

Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce.

In this day and age it only takes one person to push a D through. Not all D's can be stopped.

How does distance help bring a person back?? Distance in any relationship causes more distance. And isn’t that one of the reason our spaouse told us they wanted a divorce? They didn’t feel a connection, love or whatever else you want to call it. I feel my w is even more distant by me giving her time and space.

But you're not in a relationship with her anymore, that's the problem. You are thinking in terms of luring her back after an argument- pursue, tell her you love her, buy her gifts and flowers. All those things work in a relationship. But BD officially ended your relationship. So those things your brain is telling you to do now, they simply do not work. You give her time and space so that she will get over not liking (or even hating) you, so that she will quit blaming you for everything wrong in her life. You've got to remove yourself from her equation of blame.

I’m sorry you are right I am not detached or want this. And this is nothing worse or harder to deal with than when You have no control over something you don’t want!! I guess that is enough of me rambling. I am just truly heartbroken in every sense of heartbroken.

So be heartbroken. Rant and rave and scream and cry and hurt and do whatever you need to do to process the grief and move on. There's no way around the grief, you've got to go through it.

[MLCxH]

Wolf,
In my thread I had posted something similar a little while ago. When I first came here I had hopes of 'busting' my divorce. I was seeing signs of reconnection but turns out it was touch n go. I think my distancing and giving exW space actually pushed her away and increased tension between us. Perhaps that was a short term thing and was the right thing long term but never know. She was warming up and had become the pursuer. I kept distancing and eventually she stopped pursuing after a few days. There is good in DB but I feel it is more of divorce healing than divorce busting. What it has helped me with is to move on and accept that the MR is over. It has helped me embrace the D and I now have no illusions I will be able to 'bust' my D. I don't DB by the book anymore. When my exW moved out, I helped her move. I know she is the one who wanted this but I don't lose anything by helping her out. If this means I am killing my chances of R, so be it. If I am detaching and moving on, I should not be thinking about R so what do I gain by being petty? I don't think helping her made me any more beta.

The people on this forum are something I am very grateful for. They have been a big source of support and helped dispel any illusions I have. I don't think I can bust my divorce but I am thankful to them for helping me heal and move on. Once I took that approach, things became much easier for me.

[HrtHsbnd]

With all due respect, I feel that you are using these techniques in the wrong way.

Wolf,
In my thread I had posted something similar a little while ago. When I first came here I had hopes of 'busting' my divorce. I was seeing signs of reconnection but turns out it was touch n go. I think my distancing and giving exW space actually pushed her away and increased tension between us. Perhaps that was a short term thing and was the right thing long term but never know. She was warming up and had become the pursuer. I kept distancing and eventually she stopped pursuing after a few days. There is good in DB but I feel it is more of divorce healing than divorce busting. What it has helped me with is to move on and accept that the MR is over. It has helped me embrace the D and I now have no illusions I will be able to 'bust' my D. I don't DB by the book anymore. When my exW moved out, I helped her move. I know she is the one who wanted this but I don't lose anything by helping her out. If this means I am killing my chances of R, so be it. If I am detaching and moving on, I should not be thinking about R so what do I gain by being petty? I don't think helping her made me any more beta.

The people on this forum are something I am very grateful for. They have been a big source of support and helped dispel any illusions I have. I don't think I can bust my divorce but I am thankful to them for helping me heal and move on. Once I took that approach, things became much easier for me.

[Ready2Change]

I want to challenge a lot of the vets on here. Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting?? Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce. How does distance help bring a person back?? Distance in any relationship causes more distance. And isn’t that one of the reason our spouse told us they wanted a divorce? They didn’t feel a connection, love or whatever else you want to call it. I feel my w is even more distant by me giving her time and space. And yes I know I shouldn’t have moved out. She is going out more and more. Staying out later and later. I don’t see her coming around, NEVER! If anything like I said she seems happier now that half the time she is free from family and responsibility.

Hi Wolf,

Obviously we all got here because we were ignorant about (or ignored) how our interactions with our spouse was negatively affecting the relationship. We did not have the tools to address these issues. We kept doing the only dance we knew, and finally get bomb dropped. We then find a website that says they can help save your marriage. We are told we have to learn new ways to interact. We make some changes hoping spouse will notice. We have no control over another person. We only have control over ourselves and how we interact with others.

I don't think distance helps bring the person back. I believe time gives us the opportunity to make personal growth changes. We are given a gift to reflect on who we are and who we want to be. We now have new ways to interact with people.


In some cases, our spouse like what they see and have a change of heart.
In some cases, it is too late, they never come back no matter how much we change.


But if you do not make positive changes, you are still behaving in unattractive ways and the odds of Divorce is much higher.