Wife and I just moved to a new city less than 3 months ago. It’s her hometown in which she has many bad memories. We had to move here because our autistic son needed a better school system. About three weeks ago she had been stonewalling me and I couldn’t figure it out so I kept asking her to which she would reply “ I’m fine not everything is about you”. Because I had asked if she was upset at me. A day or two later after continued stonewalling I asked again to which she spat these words at me “I I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I love you because we have been through so much together but I’m not in love with you any more and I haven’t been for about 5 years!
A little history
Met in sept of 09 She moved in 3 days later She was pregnant 3 months later Bought our first house 4 months after finding out she was pregnant. Got married about 8 months after our son was born
Two years later we found out he was autistic That same month I was diagnosed with brain cancer One month after brain surgery she had to have her gallbladder removed
Our whole marriage we have been pretty poor. We have dealt with more than most but we have weathered the storms We have been together 10 years now and she drops this on me when our house is still in the midst of unpacking
I waited 3 days and asked her if she wanted a divorce she said “I don’t know I don’t want to do this tonight” and then stormed off
Since then she will be friendly to me one second cold shoulder the next. She refuses to say I love you back to me. We sleep in the same bed but no touching whatsoever.
I’ve become Superman around the house which seems to piss her off. (I’ve kinda been lazy around the house in the past.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where I stand with her.
All I know is this is the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life
The DR book doesn’t seem to be helping much.
She is nicer to the dog than to me
I should also mention she was my first EVERYTHING. We we 22 and 20 when we got together Now we are 30 and 32
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1904:17 PM. Reason: combine posts
Wife and I just moved to a new city less than 3 months ago. It’s her hometown in which she has many bad memories. We had to move here because our autistic son needed a better school system. About three weeks ago she had been stonewalling me and I couldn’t figure it out so I kept asking her to which she would reply “ I’m fine not everything is about you”. Because I had asked if she was upset at me. A day or two later after continued stonewalling I asked again to which she spat these words at me “I I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I love you because we have been through so much together but I’m not in love with you any more and I haven’t been for about 5 years!
A little history
Met in sept of 09 She moved in 3 days later She was pregnant 3 months later Bought our first house 4 months after finding out she was pregnant. Got married about 8 months after our son was born
Two years later we found out he was autistic That same month I was diagnosed with brain cancer One month after brain surgery she had to have her gallbladder removed
Our whole marriage we have been pretty poor. We have dealt with more than most but we have weathered the storms We have been together 10 years now and she drops this on me when our house is still in the midst of unpacking
I waited 3 days and asked her if she wanted a divorce she said “I don’t know I don’t want to do this tonight” and then stormed off
Since then she will be friendly to me one second cold shoulder the next. She refuses to say I love you back to me. We sleep in the same bed but no touching whatsoever.
I’ve become Superman around the house which seems to piss her off. (I’ve kinda been lazy around the house in the past.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where I stand with her.
All I know is this is the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life
The DR book doesn’t seem to be helping much.
She is nicer to the dog than to me
Stop saying ILY. Every time you say "I Love you" it reminds her that she doesn't feel the same. So stop doing that damage.
Stop being superman around the house. She wants a H not a maid. Plus this is beta, not alpha, behavior.
What about DR hasn't been helping much?
Are you GAL? Detaching? 180ing (and not be being Mr. Maid)?
If you are DBing and expecting it to turn her around overnight, you are mistaken. DB for you, not her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
oz, you need to do some reading. Start with the sticky threads at the top of this forum. Get A LIfe. That is GAL.
Detachment is not being absent. It is being emotionally resilient. If you are initiating ILYs then you are not detached.
180s are looking at bad behaviors...and 180ing on it. For instance, if you are a slob. Stop being a slob. Pick up after yourself. BUT DO NOT PICK UP AFTER HER. Do your dishes. Wash your clothes. Straighten up your side of the room and bathroom. But do not become a maid to her.
So the Superman thing needs to end. Do your fair share. Do not do her share too.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
GAL= Get a Life, as in, do things for you, take care of yourself. Work out, take a walk, read a book, take a cooking class.
"Detach" - be optimistic, friendly, but don't follow her around, no more "I love you", no pressure. It's related to GAL.
On the superman thing, once you've started it it's hard to stop (in my opinion) because, if you do, it feeds into her narrative that this is just a show and you can't keep it up. But don't do it as a show, don't announce that you did the laundry, just do it and leave it.
And on those sorts of things, do it consistently. You can't expect to adjust her narrative that was years in the making over several weeks. Show (not tell) her that you've changed, that you are willing to change.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
BUT DO NOT PICK UP AFTER HER. Do your dishes. Wash your clothes. Straighten up your side of the room and bathroom. But do not become a maid to her.
So the Superman thing needs to end. Do your fair share. Do not do her share too.
Hey, question for you (I'm dealing with this in my own situation): once I've started, can I really stop? For example, my wife has always done her and our daughter's laundry so she mixes them together in one basket. I started doing my daughter's out of fairness and including my wife's (seemed petty to manually sort hers to the side). Am I doing this wrong? I mean, I don't mind doing it (actually, I enjoy serving others) and it takes me no extra time to do it. Thoughts?
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
BUT DO NOT PICK UP AFTER HER. Do your dishes. Wash your clothes. Straighten up your side of the room and bathroom. But do not become a maid to her.
So the Superman thing needs to end. Do your fair share. Do not do her share too.
Hey, question for you (I'm dealing with this in my own situation): once I've started, can I really stop? For example, my wife has always done her and our daughter's laundry so she mixes them together in one basket. I started doing my daughter's out of fairness and including my wife's (seemed petty to manually sort hers to the side). Am I doing this wrong? I mean, I don't mind doing it (actually, I enjoy serving others) and it takes me no extra time to do it. Thoughts?
crd, there are no hard and fast rules on this. I agree that it would be petty to pick her laundry out of the common load and cast it aside.
However, should you be doing all of the laundry? HECKS NO. So if you did it this week, let it go next week. When she yells, complains, is angry, you listen and validate. "I can see how that would frustrate you." "So if no one does the laundry, you are saying that upsets you. I can understand that."
Notice, those statements validate her feelings but neither justify them, nor defend yourself. If she needs laundry she will eventually do it.
The point to oz is to NOT become a maid. No one wants to be married to a maid, even if they cake eat and allow it while they are planning their exit.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
crd, there are no hard and fast rules on this. I agree that it would be petty to pick her laundry out of the common load and cast it aside.
Thank you for saying that, some of the "suggestions" are hard and fast (e.g. no ILY) but some are a bit more ambiguous and I want to make sure that I'm not doing something just because it's comfortable for me.
Originally Posted by Steve85
However, should you be doing all of the laundry? HECKS NO. So if you did it this week, let it go next week. When she yells, complains, is angry, you listen and validate. "I can see how that would frustrate you." "So if no one does the laundry, you are saying that upsets you. I can understand that."
Notice, those statements validate her feelings but neither justify them, nor defend yourself. If she needs laundry she will eventually do it.
Our situation is a bit unique here - she wouldn't say anything to me, she would just have negative thoughts and then maybe (or maybe not) bring them up during some other fight. We are both conflict avoiders (though she sees me as domineering) so we have both spent 10+ years "sucking it up" and then exploding from time to time. Not trying to turn this thread into my issues but do want to share for ozman's (and other's) sakes as I think it shows that there are different circumstances
Originally Posted by Steve85
The point to oz is to NOT become a maid. No one wants to be married to a maid, even if they cake eat and allow it while they are planning their exit.
Agree completely and, if my post suggested anything else please let me clarify that I am 100% onboard with this point.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Our situation is a bit unique here - she wouldn't say anything to me, she would just have negative thoughts and then maybe (or maybe not) bring them up during some other fight. We are both conflict avoiders (though she sees me as domineering) so we have both spent 10+ years "sucking it up" and then exploding from time to time. Not trying to turn this thread into my issues but do want to share for ozman's (and other's) sakes as I think it shows that there are different circumstances
I think my suggestion to you still stands. Do not do it all the time. When she does explode....listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
