Friday was really, really hard. I was out with friends until about 11, and came home - emptiness. It was surreal, like a different place altogether. It doesn't feel like my home anymore. I went straight to bed to avoid thinking about it. I woke up, reminded myself I was still alive, and then went to the gym. Another set of friends were nice enough to organize a guys weekend at a lake house upstate, and that's where I'm at right now.
The biggest thing for me right now is dealing with the loneliness. Everything feels so different and so empty. No text messages on my phone, no one checking in to say hello. (Other than the friends I'm currently hanging out with, of course!) It's just a huge, huge difference than the past seven years of my life. I'm sure I'll adjust but it's a heavy emotion right now. I'm trying to tell myself not to be too self-critical, not to beat myself up too much for thinking about her, or even having a dream last night that she was in. The wound is still fresh and this is going to happen, I can't force myself to stop having love for her.
The BD has certainly achieved for me what she set out for it to achieve: I have lots of clarity right now about what's been happening in our MR. Between having time to reflect, reading NMMNG, and talking to my IC, I realized two big things: I've been living a double life with seeking external validation from women, which has caused me - even if I didn't realize it - to not be able to truly connect and be intimate with my WAW. Second, because of my nice-guy tendencies, I avoided conflict and told lots of dumb, white lies that over time completely eroded the trust in the MR. Both of those things are fatal blows. I know I can't change the past but right now I am feeling overwhelming regret and guilt over my behavior and not recognizing these things earlier.
I also know however that all I can do is work on myself, GAL, and be the best version of myself I can be.
I still have no idea how I'm going to handle the separation agreement. It feels like I'm marching towards D-Day.
Steve, the loneliness is natural after so many years of married life. You will get used to coming home to an empty house and probably even start appreciating being able to do what you want. It takes time to get used to change but you will get there. We live in an age of Netflix, Hulu etc. Pick a show and start binge watching it. Or pick up a hobby you always wanted to try. Or get some games on your phone or a video game console. Listen to podcasts. Watch YouTube videos. Go for a walk. Keep your kind distracted and it makes it easy to get past the loneliness. Time and space will help you heal. Take it one day or one minute at a time
Make it yours. Start in the bedroom. Make it "Manly". Then the living room, then the kitchen. New (or different) things. Rearrange things. Put on good music while you do this. Paint the walls.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
My wife did this to our home when I moved out. She took down all of our family pictures and put up pictures of her and our son. She was the one that initiated the BD.
Is that what she was doing?
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SteveS
It doesn't feel like my home anymore.
Make it yours. Start in the bedroom. Make it "Manly". Then the living room, then the kitchen. New (or different) things. Rearrange things. Put on good music while you do this. Paint the walls.
You can't be happy in a R until you are happy with yourself.
Steve, read up on the LRT. I think it might be time for that in your sitch.
Just did. Looks that way.
It feels kind of petty, but open question: WAW still follows me on all social media (I've unfollowed/muted her); is it a better idea to go completely silent on sharing what I'm doing and leave her wondering, or fill my timeline with shots of me doing something fun?
Also, by way of update, meeting with a lawyer on Thursday to discuss the separation agreement and my plan to hold the line on assets. Not sure what WAW had in mind for when/where we talk on Friday, but I propose a neutral, quiet location like a library, where I can set the tone and be the first one to leave, per LRT. I'd like to avoid having it at my place, since I haven't had a chance to furnish it nor would I be able to be the one to pre-emptively leave.
Been in Dublin for about 36 hours now, keeping myself busy with work, hitting the gym, and going out to take some photos.
I've been reading about LRT and it appears that's definitely the boat I'm in. I wish I could have been more detached after the BD and the lead up to the S but what's done is done, I can't undo that. I didn't beg, plead, or try to bargain, but I definitely let my emotions get the best of me in front of her. I do however have some concerns that I won't really have much of a way to visibly show 180s, that I went ahead and GAL, etc. now that we're separated.
If there's one thing I know about her, it's that she's extremely attracted to confidence - but then again, who isn't? It's obviously hard to keep my confidence up right now but I have to remember I'm still the man she fell in love with: I'm still tall, strong, funny, and driven in my professional life. If anything my attributes are even better than they were back then.
In the meantime, she emailed about a couch that doesn't fit in her apartment, wanted to see if I wanted it back. I haven't responded yet. We're also seeing each other Friday to talk about the separation agreement.
Other than just doing things for me, I'm sort of at a loss.
Showing 180s is tough bc you risk looking like a peacock. Your 180s probably need more time to firm up so keep working. I have a feeling you haven't seen or heard the last of her.
Have you considering making plans for Friday and telling her to email you a proposal? Why is the face to face necessary? It seems like you are only going to be worse for wear after that. Isn't your time better spent elsewhere? What is so pressing about this separation agreement?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
