I think my distancing and giving exW space actually pushed her away and increased tension between us. Perhaps that was a short term thing and was the right thing long term but never know. She was warming up and had become the pursuer. I kept distancing and eventually she stopped pursuing after a few days. There is good in DB but I feel it is more of divorce healing than divorce busting.
You can't come here and DB for a month and pronounce it a failure. There is NOTHING that will make a difference in that short of a time, and if you've read anything from the vets you are bound to have seen that mentioned again and again. Michele even explains at the beginning of DR that this takes a lot of time and that you must be patient. I wish she would just come right out and say that everyone that's been BD'd should expect a year of hard work MINIMUM. Sometimes it works in less time but that's the exception rather than the norm. Unrealistic expectations kill more DB'ing efforts around here than anything else.
You can't come here and DB for a month and pronounce it a failure. There is NOTHING that will make a difference in that short of a time, and if you've read anything from the vets you are bound to have seen that mentioned again and again. Michele even explains at the beginning of DR that this takes a lot of time and that you must be patient. I wish she would just come right out and say that everyone that's been BD'd should expect a year of hard work MINIMUM. Sometimes it works in less time but that's the exception rather than the norm. Unrealistic expectations kill more DB'ing efforts around here than anything else.
I don't disagree with what you said. What I am trying to say is that for me personally it helped to view this as healing and becoming a better person. What I am doing in DB has nothing to do with D itself. It is about me becoming a better person and I have no control whether the divorce is busted or not. That is up to the other person and out of my control. I am not saying the methods are a failure. To me they are good tools to make my next relationship better whether this next relationship is with exW or someone else.
Originally Posted by HrtHsbnd
With all due respect, I feel that you are using these techniques in the wrong way.
The one advice I keep hearing is to detach detach detach and have no expectations. That is what I am doing and the more I detach the less I care about R. So to me DB is not about busting my D it is about healing from my D. DB is a great tool and I am not talking about the effectiveness of the tool itself. Just saying that I am using it for healing or intending to use it for healing without worrying about whether it helps R with my ex
Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting?? Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce. How does distance help bring a person back??
I think DBing (and I mean going all-in on DBing, not dabbling) is the best lifestyle to create the possibility of a future R with a wayward/walk-away spouse. There are no guarantees Wolf. There's no magic potion. You can't control your W and stop D. But you can DB and give yourself a decent shot at either saving the M or an R down the road. If you anti-DB, doing all things opposite of DBing, you are probably killing any chance you have. Notice I say lifestyle because that what DBing is. Some of the components are forever things - GAL, 180's on bad behavior, validation, etc....Embrace the lifestyle. The impact of the DB components is that you will become a much better person. If you're a great catch already you are going to be an even better catch.
On distance, in my R experience it has had a powerful effect, both when I have been the dumper and the dumpee. Distance often clears the mind and changes perspectives. Distance has been a major factor in me as a dumper trying to rekindle with my dumpees. I'm going to post on this in my thread when I have the time. Don't be afraid of some distance.
What about 4 months, with D papers and no end in sight?
Is that much distance still powerful?
Originally Posted by Gekko
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Everyone on here talks about DB. That either you will get back together or you won’t and that by DB IT WILL get you ready for life with or without spouse. If people are saying it will prepare you for life without spouse then how is that divorce busting?? Divorce busting should mean exactly what it says stopping the divorce. How does distance help bring a person back??
I think DBing (and I mean going all-in on DBing, not dabbling) is the best lifestyle to create the possibility of a future R with a wayward/walk-away spouse. There are no guarantees Wolf. There's no magic potion. You can't control your W and stop D. But you can DB and give yourself a decent shot at either saving the M or an R down the road. If you anti-DB, doing all things opposite of DBing, you are probably killing any chance you have. Notice I say lifestyle because that what DBing is. Some of the components are forever things - GAL, 180's on bad behavior, validation, etc....Embrace the lifestyle. The impact of the DB components is that you will become a much better person. If you're a great catch already you are going to be an even better catch.
On distance, in my R experience it has had a powerful effect, both when I have been the dumper and the dumpee. Distance often clears the mind and changes perspectives. Distance has been a major factor in me as a dumper trying to rekindle with my dumpees. I'm going to post on this in my thread when I have the time. Don't be afraid of some distance.
Hello everyone. Thank you all for your posts I have read them numerous times. I understand that this is just a way of life and they will either be re-attracted to me or they won’t. I know for my w she will never turn back. When she closes the book on someone it never reopens. Those of you who know me I am a teacher and summer break started and man do I feel lost. Because of feeling lost the mornings are horrible. I am so depressed in the mornings it’s terrible. I am trying to find ways to fill my time but it can be hard. Everybody looks forward to summer break i wasn’t. As the day goes I get better I just never experienced depression like this. Yes I go to IC and yes I am on Antidepressant. It’s just this new life I guess I have to get use to. The thing is i look at relationships very differently now. I understand my w love language but unfortunately it is too late. Also because it is the summer she will not want to get back with me, this is even more of a time she can go out and party. Unfortunately that’s all she is thinking about. Her freedom and partying. In 2 weeks we go away to Virginia Beach. My son has national hip hop competition. I am curious how this is going to go. We have separate rooms. Also very sad we had booked a trip to Jamaica 2 years ago for this summer I just had to cancel that. I can’t afford it on my own. It’s truly amazing how much love does hurt and affect us. I’ll keep everyone posted on my days I’m going to need this outlet. Feeling very lost. Needing love from here to keep me strong.
In case you are wondering when I am with my kids I am not like this. When my w is around I am upbeat and fun. Like the saying goes you have to fake it until you make it.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
My W is the same way. She has checked out hard. She's still IHS, but it's been 10 months of this, and once her mind is made up, that's it.
Looks really bad for me too right now. I am seeing the silver lining or trying to - nothing is set in stone. If it helps, know you've got other people in the same boat as you. Small consolation, I know, but it does help.
Steve I always think of your situation. How you have said she said she was done and a lot of what my w has said. But she does this with everyone. I have said it before it my threads she doesn’t talk to half the neighborhood, most of her relatives, friends we had for years she no longer talks to. That is her MO, I think about your situation often Steve, and sometimes in the back of my head think maybe she will “wake up” but I also do the want to get my hopes up. My w is the epitomy of stubborn.
Iron honestly it doesn’t make me feel better knowing other people are suffering like this. This is the worse thing a person can go through next to death.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Steve I always think of your situation. How you have said she said she was done and a lot of what my w has said. But she does this with everyone. I have said it before it my threads she doesn’t talk to half the neighborhood, most of her relatives, friends we had for years she no longer talks to. That is her MO, I think about your situation often Steve, and sometimes in the back of my head think maybe she will “wake up” but I also do the want to get my hopes up. My w is the epitomy of stubborn.
Iron honestly it doesn’t make me feel better knowing other people are suffering like this. This is the worse thing a person can go through next to death.
This is pretty much exactly the same thing I'm going through. Complete communication shutdown with her past - friends and family. Doesnt want to talk to anyone.
I think it's a severe depression. She refused any help or IC when I mentioned it briefly once 9 months ago.
And I agree. It is a death by a thousand paper cuts.
