Midlife wife crisis7

[Wolfman]

All I have to say is wow. I read and re-read those comments about 4 times. There were so many great points brought up I don’t know where to begin.

Sandi I don’t think you guys were attacking me or would I get mad about going over something again. My d has put so much stress on this m it’s unbelievable. Trust me I am not saying by any means that she is the cause but she certainly does not make it any easier. Monday we have a sesssion with the therapist. It’s for my w, d and me to get help as a whole. Looking back I probably could have handled things differently, but between this d and my daughter I have little patience. I am trying real hard to stay calm and focused but at times I get very frustrated. I definitely need to work on letting my d know what the rules are and the consequences, but like i said I will try positive reinforcement. I don’t want to yell or argue anymore. It would be one thing if I was just dealing with w or just my d, but both is not easy. And throw in that my dad took off and left me to take care of my handicapped mom, is completely overwhelming. The other thing Sandi you are right I did drop the ball on making my d say thank you. I am just so overwhelmed and I’m not going to lie walking on eggshells. My d and w and constantly “watching” me. Any little thing I do or say they look to use against me.

I am not the only one having a hard time with d, my w is too. But my d will still tell my m she loves her and misses her. I also just found out my w says things to my d that she shouldn’t. Like the other day for Father’s Day when I went over a little early. Which I realize what I did was a mistake. My w was texting my d how annoyed she was that I went over early. That I was trying to “catch” her going out to get me a gift. No wonder when I went to see my d when I got there she was nasty to me. My w implanted that they should be mad at me for coming over early. I know this because I saw my d phone text messages. She doesn’t know I saw that. I have been fooled always thinking my w would never say anything bad about me to the kids but I was wrong.

My w called me yesterday that she could not get my d to study for her finals. I told w don’t yell or punish offer a reward if she gets a good grade she can have something. She said I don’t know what to do with her anymore. I said offer a reward hopefully that will motivate her. Then I hear my w say, “cut it out don’t speak that way!!” I said what happened now. My w said that my d told me to mind my own business. This is how nasty my 12 d is!! My w then said let me go. I said good luck.

R2C I like your suggestion about how to approach my w about cooking at the house. Im sorry it just really bothers me that I have to ask for permission to be in my own house. I understand the circumstances, it just bothers me. Again I want to do what works and what is right. If she would just refinance the house and buy me out I could have my own house and it would help reduce some of the stress.

IH I had to really think about your question. I think the part that hurts the most is starting over and I am scared that the next person could do this to me. That just decide they don’t want to me in a relationship anymore. And the idea of family. I love the holidays and coming together as a family. I love Christmas, thanksgiving and Easter. Those holidays will never be the same bouncing the kids back and forth. Waking up Christmas morning and seeing the looks on the kids face while my w and I sat next to each other. I seem to be similar to many of the men on here who love their family and want to be a whole. Not that we just got upset at our situation and then abandoned our family and never return. So the loss of family hurts. I’m not going to lie, since I am a teacher I am having severe anxiety about the summer and being off for 2 months. I hear all the other teachers talking about their plans and can’t wait for the summer and I am having panic attacks. I am going to really focus on my other careeer in the summer and hopefully make a lot of money this summer. Most summers we would wake up I would make breakfast and we would be in the pool most of the day and then bbq at night. Have some friends over on occasion and always do one family vacation in the summer. That’s all gone now. I will miss that!! So IH I hope I answered you question. As far as the lack of love from my w I guess I am getting use to it. But hat was a big part of my depression for a long time. Now it’s the other 2 I mentioned.

[LH19]

W,

Is it a fair assessment that your daughter is just mirroring the way your W treated you in the marriage?

[Wolfman]

LH that is absolutely fair. I would say 100% accurate. My d has a very unhealthy obsession with my w like I said numerous times. So in her warped mind she think she has to d daddy to. Because she does whatever my w does. Like I said she wears the same clothes, eats the same foods even has the same password as my w on her phone. So I don’t ever see my relationship with my d getting better. Because if my w and I are divorced then my d thinks she needs to do the same. It’s very disturbing and scary.

[LH19]

W,

I am sorry but I’m going to beat you up a little bit.

You and mainstream TV caused this to happen. Every show on TV now has the woman in charge and the man as the bumbling idiot. King of Queens, Everyone Loves Raymond, Bing Bang Theory etc. Your W was in charge had you doing all the work around the house and probably belittled you in front of her. Guess what your daughter learned to do because you allowed it to happen. Instead of showing her strength (her rock) you show weakness. Times get tough you move out, again showing weaknesses.

Forget the BS about positive reinforcement and establish some boundaries with her and show her strength. Consequences when broken. Don’t yell and argue with her listen and validate her but be firm when you need to be firm.

Again I’m sorry to be so harsh but your worries about this happening to you again are valid unless you make some changes.

[Ready2Change]

So I don’t ever see my relationship with my d getting better.

During this period of your life, It is important to change your belief system. This is a perfect example. What you believe, you create. Your mind wants to "be right". Have faith that your relationship with D will get better. Teens are a PIA. I am at the tail end.

As for parenting, I recommend that you come up with two lists. One list is the parenting issues that you and W agree on, and one list that you disagree on. Anything that you agree on, you can co-parent together. The ones you disagree on, then you deal with it your way during your parenting time, and she deals with it her way during her parenting time. You can discuss this with W and clarify things. The more united you are on your responses the better, but not required.


Focus on the child's behavior.


I always try to clarify and reduce confusion.


You as the man can lead your family through these tough issues.

[Wolfman]

LH I always appreciate the constructive criticism. I don’t take things personally. The only part I don’t agree with is the bumbling idiot. Definitely a mistake feeding into her being a spoiled brat. Again, I thought I was being a good husband and boy did it backfire. At the time I never thought I was operating from a point of weakness. It’s funny LH, all I ever heard through our marriage is how much more she does than most women. So in her mind she did a lot and I didn’t do enough. Because when the kids were babies she wanted me to bathe the kids every night, put them to bed, change their diapers all the time. Look I helped... on occasion. But she literally wanted me to do it all the time. So there was a power struggle many times in the house.

I intend to show strength, I guess at times I get mixed up when I am coming from strength or just mean. Something I am trying to work on.

R2C I agree with what you are saying. Just at this moment I don’t care to talk to a too much. I am truly losing my love for her. I miss the family dynamic but her just being a cold hearted b*tch I can do without. In time I will sit down with her and have that conversation that you recommend. I think it’s a great idea. One problem for my w is she never sticks to anything. She has always been like that and the kids know it. They have called her out on that. I always stick to my guns and look like the bad guy. I don’t care about being the bad guy anymore, I am getting my respect back.

Last thing. When I pulled up to the house my father in law was standing on the driveway huffing and puffing. My w has her dad who is 75 take care of the outside of the house. There was a stack of garbage at the curb. No she doesn’t have a sense of entitlement. Sarcasm. Anyway, I say hello to him and he tells me how he cleaned out the filter for the pool twice in 2 days. He asked me to keep an eye on the filter and to clean it out so the pool doesn’t go green again. I said I will keep an eye on it. Should I have told him no?? I also find it funny is my w is having family ask me for help instead of her. Very manipulative. Should I continue to keep an eye on the pool? I feel like this is part of divorce. Meaning it’s “her house” now she has to be responsible. If I have house with a pool will she help me to take care of it?? Of course not. Playing devils advocate to myself, some of you will say donit for the kids. But she could use that excuse for most things. I feel like she wants divorce there is a lot of responsibility she is going to have to take on by herself now. This is divorce, I don’t know if she gets it: what do you all think?

[LH19]

W,

I didn’t necessarily mean you’re a bumbling idiot, I meant that’s what is portrayed in these shows.

Sit down with your W and tell her that if she wants you to take care of the home until D or your bought out that you are moving back in and taking the MB and she can stay in guest room.

Strength is not letting your W or daughter walk all over you by setting boundaries.

[IHCLACS]

I'm going to chime in again especially to LH's input and my own experiences over days/weeks/months as sich worsens, I am actually finding somewhat of a balance of emotions and mixing logic with feeling appropriately. Its really hard for me sometimes to sum up and organize all the things I am learning from this. From here, from life, from experiences, from people, from men and women. From God.

Something I realized tonight Wolfy may be it will help? All the stress, mild depression, emotional outbursts over the last several months have led me to go back and forth a lot between God's way and Man and Women's way (Nature and social reality of evolution and times.) Some days I get really focused and thinking about the ideologies of the whole
"red pill" community about man's and women's nature from a logical persoective, I get hung up on Misogyny And Misandry And it makes sense. Theoretical, but it makes sense. About the Alpha Beta stuff like LH19 here kind of talks about. LH19 is not saying it, but I will. It is a sociatal feminism issue being propagated by narcissistic women with an entitlement complex and agenda. No respect for the patriarchy or the man So I find it to be truth. I think men want respect and women want to be valued. But we have to give it to get it. I look at the history of all past actions and responses and I find my experiences to be validated. I also see the error of my ways. Then? I have a tendency to step our of the "manosphere" and try and see things from the woman's side, guided by feelings and intuition. DillyDaf's and Godesses sich has really opened my eyes and perception to how I can better empathise with another woman's perspective, and how some of them experience the wrongs done to them, even though they have given it their all to their husbands, only to be manipulated, rejected, and treated unfairly by them. I even went to my therapist this week about ready to quit because of billing issues, and the fact that even though its serving me, I'm gaining much better perception through my own discoveries and hardships. I told my IC that since I set a boundary in place not to speak to W other than revolving around S1. That it has somewhat turned me into a misogynist as of recently. That the paradox is even though I have made my situation worse for reconciling for now, I am a lot calmer for it by emotionally shutting down, and avoiding all emotional topics. I was surprised and relieved to hear IC say (who is a woman) and is awesome btw, (I love taking to women more btw then men.) say that may be there is something that I needed to realize about Men and Women's different natures and dynamics and ways of thinking in order to start healing. Man did she hit the nail on the head!!! Because I feel like I am just starting to. When we accept our troubles, and lose the anger that caused them, we grow.

Something else I realized. The stresses of taking care of S1 on my own time, has helped me grow as a father, and helped me empathise more with W. The more stress I take on, the more I notice how much more adaptive I am becoming to S1's wants and needs, and the more patient, but yet still firm I become. (Dejavu like I've said this months ago in your sich.) The odd thing is this occurred when I stopped talking to W. My emotional outbursts stopped at S1 and W. Everything I have experienced has been 2 steps forward one step back. Its weird. The more I emotionally withdraw and detach, I notice the more balanced I am becoming amidst the stresses. Don't get me wrong...The overwhelmingness of the stresses are still there, but I notice the coping becomes much easier the more adaptive and subjective the circumstances are. This is why I think everyone here says people need a lot of time and space to figure these life lessons out. There is no stragety.

I have covered every topic over and over and over in my mind about how people come to the road of divorce, seperation and relationship failures. From childhood experiences, to psychology, to social dynamics, to difference between sexes, communication, etc etc... Coming back to God, I watched a movie tonight called God is Not Dead. Great movie. It taught me something. Something I think my IC was also trying to say the same message but from a non religious perspective. And the lesson is simple. Not easy... But simple...There are so many people in the world that have their views of what is truth to them, and what is right, and what is wrong. Some judge, some don't. Some are liberal, some are conservative, some are hurt and angry, some are patient and understanding. Some are confused, and some are clear, some are emotional and some are logical, some are natural, and some are spiritual. The truth is there is no right or wrong. It is what we make it to be. Whether it be in solidarity or defiance. There is something I noticed in the midst of all this. We fight so hard for our beliefs, our feelings and our principles, that we keep talking and stop listening. Everything becomes arguementative eventually. Things get taken too far. What I am trying to say here is (I'm sure all of you are waiting for me to get to my point.) Is the simple but not easy answer is... Surrender... Lean into the whole dilemma and situation and surrender to it. All of it. Quit fighting it. But draw boundaries to protect. I think we benefit to grow from it more and faster as a result. We grow from trial and tribulations. Not easy times and satisfaction.

Wolfy I realized something else. I am a "boot in the @$$" mentality kind of father. But I can also be very nurturing and caring too. Something my father was not by his words, but by his actions. His words were usually verbally abusive, but his actions showed his love. I am like this because of both my parents. One was tough and controlling the other was nurturing, communicative and empathetic. There is a balance to finding our strength with our W's and children. We have to have that centeredness of strength. When I say strength, it is almost as if we have to be calm but firm, because of the power we have. We have to make the effort to relate but also set boundaries and consequences like AS says. My W was right about one thing I think. If we have to yell, we have lost control. Funny. I haven't had a interesting conversation with her about that in a whole year. Oh well, we both have stuff to figure out. Sorry for the long post again, just trying to relate and hope this helps.

[sandi2]

Don't know if you saw my last post, or maybe it was too long and you didn't want to read it.

You and mainstream TV caused this to happen. Every show on TV now has the woman in charge and the man as the bumbling idiot. King of Queens, Everyone Loves Raymond, Bing Bang Theory etc. Your W was in charge had you doing all the work around the house and probably belittled you in front of her. Guess what your daughter learned to do because you allowed it to happen. Instead of showing her strength (her rock) you show weakness. Times get tough you move out, again showing weaknesses.

Forget the BS about positive reinforcement and establish some boundaries with her and show her strength. Consequences when broken. Don’t yell and argue with her listen and validate her but be firm when you need to be firm.

I could not agree with LH more ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. My H told me the same thing, many years ago. I had not recognized the running theme in these "family sitcoms" but he was absolutely right. The H was always the butt of the joke, b/c it was suppose to be funny. They run those taped audience laughter, to cue people at home that this idiot H is funny and everyone should laugh at him. Even the kids in today's shows are written to look smarter than their father! When society has had 70 years sitting in front of a TV for hours every day, it is going to send messages to their brains that "this" is the pattern for a normal family. Back in the 50's through early 80's, there would be a moral lesson in the each episode (ex: Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, Donna Reed, Andy Griffith, Different Strokes, etc.) Don't get me wrong, there have been some funny & entertaining family oriented shows where the writers were good enough to make the father's character funny, but was able to show him in a position of authority (Crosby Show, Fresh Prince, etc. ) The older shows demonstrated a father with wisdom, moral leadership, and who taught his children how to make better decisions in their future (who were usually the ones learning a moral lesson).

I always stick to my guns and look like the bad guy. I don’t care about being the bad guy anymore, I am getting my respect back.

Just keep your eyes on the goal of getting respect, and don't worry about the bad guy image. They didn't come any stricter & straight-laced than my own father, and I respect him more than any man I have ever known. He talked the walk to me, but more importantly, he walked the talk.......and that is why I respect him so highly.

Last thing. When I pulled up to the house my father in law was standing on the driveway huffing and puffing. My w has her dad who is 75 take care of the outside of the house. There was a stack of garbage at the curb. No she doesn’t have a sense of entitlement. Sarcasm. Anyway, I say hello to him and he tells me how he cleaned out the filter for the pool twice in 2 days. He asked me to keep an eye on the filter and to clean it out so the pool doesn’t go green again. I said I will keep an eye on it. Should I have told him no?? I also find it funny is my w is having family ask me for help instead of her. Very manipulative. Should I continue to keep an eye on the pool? I feel like this is part of divorce. Meaning it’s “her house” now she has to be responsible. If I have house with a pool will she help me to take care of it?? Of course not. Playing devils advocate to myself, some of you will say donit for the kids. But she could use that excuse for most things. I feel like she wants divorce there is a lot of responsibility she is going to have to take on by herself now. This is divorce, I don’t know if she gets it: what do you all think?

That's a hard one, b/c you probably feel sorry for her elderly dad. If her parents spoiled her growing up, they are still paying the price. I think you just have to go by your own sense of what's right on this one. If things have been legally divided/settled and you feel her place is her responsibility, then stick to it. Otherwise, her dad will eventually play out, and guess who will pick up the slack? Do you go over there often, where you could "check" the pool? Do you want to save some extra work for him? Do you really feel that she put him up to asking you, or do you feel he thinks it's your responsibility? (Why can't he check on the pool more often, or tell your W to check it before it turns green?) Most of all, how will it effect you emotionally if you keep a check on the pool....or if you don't? These type of issues have to be handled according to how you see the right thing to do. Protect your feelings.

[Ready2Change]

Just at this moment I don’t care to talk to a too much. I am truly losing my love for her. I miss the family dynamic but her just being a cold hearted b*tch I can do without.

You don't do it because it feels good. You don't do it doesn't feel good. You do it because it is the right thing to do.


You don't have to do it in person. Do it in an email. Having parenting conversations is the right thing to do.

He asked me to keep an eye on the filter and to clean it out so the pool doesn’t go green again. I said I will keep an eye on it. Should I have told him no??

"Be impeccable with your word" (one of the four agreements)


This is how I would have responded:
FIL"keep an eye on the filter and to clean it out so the pool doesn’t go green again."
H:"When I was living here, I was cleaning the filter every other day as normal maintenance. Wife decided she didn't want me living here. I believe it is best that she figures out how to maintain it, not us."


Now:

H:W, I told your dad that I would keep an eye on the pool filter. I was checking it every other day. Since I am not living, there I believe it is best that you do this. "

Then listen and validate.