No do not confront her because you don't know for sure right now and I can tell by your posts it's not a deal breaker for you. If you confront her and then do nothing about it that makes you look weak and will lower her attraction for you.
This is all very confusing for you so right now you should stick to the basics and give her space. Print out Sandi's rules and try to follow them to the best of your ability.
Know that right now you can't do anything to make it better right now but you certainly can make matters worse. Try to just get through 1 hour at a time.
Oz I know what you are going through. When I first got bomb dropped my w went off the “deep end”. We were a very loving couple and everyone said we were the last people they would expect to go through this. My w became so hostile and angry. At the beginning I wasn’t on here so I was making a lot of mistakes like pursuing her and it only made her more mad. She even flipped out on me one morning because the kids gave her a hard time before school. They look to blame us for everything, at the beginning I took everything to heart, but like the vets said validate. Once I started to validate and give her space I started to see a change in her anger. She became more pleasant and wasn’t running out of the house all the time. The other thing if you are truly struggling with panic attacks or depression go on meds. It will help. My whole life I was anti meds, I didn’t even take Advil for a headache. But this was just so hard for me to handle that I went on meds, they help.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I’ve stopped ILYs for almost a week I’ve asked no questions for like 2 weeks about R.
And things are not improving I don’t think. Maybe a little worse maybe a little better. It’s so hard to tell
2 weeks is like a drop in the ocean. Oz, you are going to have to find patience because this is a marathon, not a sprint. Most sitches take well over a year to resolve, some last for years! So dig in. If you want to save your MR then you need to DB, and take one day at a time. Impulsiveness will kill you. So learn to control yourself. Never do anything rash or based on emotion.
I know you said you can't afford IC. But I believe you can't afford to not be in IC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey guys. So I’m trying to figure out where we are. I’ve been told I’m not in a LRT sitch. But it sure feels like it. We after the ILYBINILWY bomb and then the “I would be less miserable without you” and then a couple days later when I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said “ I don’t know I don’t want to do this tonight”. It sure feels like LRT territory. I’m still not sure how to act around her. I’m trying to Validate whenever possible. She asked if I wanted to go with her yesterday to visit her fam for a bit and run errands so I went. We went out to dinner with some friends and I was making them laugh hard. I glanced at her and she was trying not to laugh. I asked subtly who she has been msging so much. She said “ my sister but it doesn’t matter”. Which I don’t know what that means
It’s so painful to be so close to her but yet so far away. I think this is what love is long suffering means. I don’t think she understands you have to create your own happiness. And I make her unhappy
I wish the pain would stop
It’s hard to GAL because we just moved. House still has lots of boxes. House is a mess.
Yup ozman. In my own sich and many others on here, I keep seeing the same repetitive theme and pattern on here and else where. The LBH/WAW is depressed, is unhappy and I'm not saying any of this is right or wrong, it just is. IMHO They think that either we are the cause for their unhappiness, the marriage, their life purpose is the cause, lack of relationship dynamics, coping skills, childhood trauma, boredom, desiring new experiences, new people, new men and women, new relationships, new achievements and goals in profession, experiences in life etc. Is the answer to their happiness. They are part right. Our experiences shape who we are, and who we become. But I believe in what you said about happiness. I believe happiness is supposed to serve us, but it is supposed to come and go in the pursuit of it. Its like money. You work, you have achievement, you get money, you use it for practical reasons to attain and sustain, you buy things with it that make you happy sometimes. Its like a child having a toy and getting bored with it after two weeks. Real happiness comes from being ok with yourself, where you are, and being comfortable in your own skin.
I actually challenged my STBXW on this. If she is unhappy with me? The R the M or just herself? Its kind of a little bit of both. I think in the short term when we pursue things it does make us happy and keeps us motivated but in the long run these moments are fleeting and it has to come from within ever find true contention.
Notice how everyone else around you laughed, but W tried to stifle it because of all her resentment and unhappiness torwards you? She has inner work to do, and you have to leave her to it. Most people you can never tell them what they need, even if they want it. You have to let them figure it out for themselves, success or failure. Let them.
I'm on a hike right now that I never got to finish 10 years ago and my w and I were dating because she wanted to turn back. I'm really happy I'm out here I have my freedom
I really can’t accept the fact that we might not work out. I probably have that mindset from fighting cancer.
I’m scared I’m going to end up like my grandpa People day I’m a lot like him.
He got married at 20. Had two kids, my dad and my aunt. His wife left him and the kids. He said it hurt so bad he never got over it. He’s 83 and he never found anyone else.
Please help me understand the book more. I’ve asked this several times How do I behave around her????????!!!!
I don’t know which tactics I should be using for my sitch.. somebody please help. I’ve been told I’m not in LRT. but then everybody recommends last resort things to do. I’m scared and don’t know which part of the books advice applies to me right now. At this moment. Someone please HELP!
Last edited by Cadet; 06/25/1902:29 PM. Reason: combine posts
There is something that I want to add to this. Im sure during courtship and marriage. A lot of the experiences we have had with our spouses were wonderful, as time went on and real life responsibilities set it, im sure of those experiences became not so wonderful. So? What I am trying to figure out is?... I understand past is past, and all we have is right now, and the future, that we have to move forward, that our time is important, that life is finite. But why is it that most of us in our circumstsnces, the past doesn't hold enough value for anyone to consider to stay? To work, to try? To learn new skills, to do the inner work? I know we are all brojen in a sense as well as our spouses, and it's not our job to fix them. That we have expectations of people and ourselves and if there is no way one human being can meet all of them for another. Again no one perception is right or wrong? I just find it amusing that some people are drifters all in the name of seeking happiness, and others are commited to staying put because it is the right thing to do? I think that some people recognise relationships as ups and downs, good times and bad, all through the entire duration of life, and others see it as right now, how is this serving me? Do I see a happy future based on previous behaviors and experiences, is this what I want? Is this what the other person wants out of life? All these questions...
