Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[SoTorn]

My new GFs LL is PT. My LL is PT. All I can say is it works well when its a match.

My EXWW is also 38. Im positive ahe has had several As. Now that I can see clearly, she was receiving gifts from men at her work here and the OM I found out about. Her GGW activities continue. But we are D and I dont care.

Keep strong man. You are doing much better. Yes tons of cake eating. But as long as you are focused on yourself and not her, you will continue to detach.

[Ready2Change]

If your wife has already dropped the bomb, can using the love languages still help?

As long as you do them in a non-needy way, maybe.


The biggest issue 99% of the time is there is OM. Or at least a fantasy of one.

The best thing you can do is increase Alpha male traits. Change your behavior. Change your look. Change your beliefs. Change your thought processes. Change your voice.

[SteveLW]

Sandi,

If you wife has already dropped the bomb, can using the love languages still help?

Filling her love tank is a maintenance item. Maintenance doesn't work after a breakdown.

Think of it like a car. Do the routine maintenance and it will keep purring along. Ignore the routine maintenance and you'll have a breakdown. Changing the oil on a car with a blown engine is a waste of time....and oil.

For LLs for now. Love yourself. GAL. Detach. 180s. Concentrate on what you have control over. Not what you don't.

[sandi2]

Sandi,

If you wife has already dropped the bomb, can using the love languages still help?

When you use your W's language of love, you are communicating to her that you cherish her. You adore and appreciate her. That is what LL's are all about. However, when you are faced with a W such as is commonly found on the board, I think it is critical that you don't get the cart before the horse. The horse, being respect, and the cart being LL.

Let's talk about it a little further. I'm all for LL's, as I hope I showed in my post to Curtis. However, when there is a WW, it's very tricky, b/c you've lost her respect and you can't get it back by demonstrating her LL....b/c she has changed and she's not the girl you M. At this point, the timing would be off with little to no positive results. Plus, if she's got another guy in her head, or wants to shop around for one......then trying to show her your love .......is too little late--too late, at this point, to get the results you need. And, I think it must be a normal reaction for the LBS to want to prove how much they love the spouse they are losing. It is difficult for them to accept that their show of love does not change the heart of their spouse during this time frame. Many H's just don't realize or believe that what they need to get is the W's respect, and then he can apply her LL.

If you have read anything about the hormones that flood the brain when we fall in love, then try to understand that your WW has lost all of that for you. She's just not feeling it. Before the M, she was attracted to you.....and those great hormones were flowing. Once she M you, the dynamics in the relationship changed. And to save time.....I'll just say that eventually she didn't look at you the same (whether or not she was right, it affected her feelings). She didn't feel the attraction.....b/c she lost her admiration in you as a man, which affected her loving feelings for you as her H. Women are very complex, and many men fail to get the concept that a wife has to feel respect for him in order to feel desire. So, in order for the desire/love for her H to return, she's got to see him through eyes of respect. All that other stuff is lost, if she doesn't respect him. First things first.......and getting your respect back is the first step. I want to make something very clear. If a woman doesn't respect a man, it doesn't matter how much he praises her, hugs her, does acts of service for her, or what he buys for her. These actions do not draw her respect. These actions shows her your love.... but it does not draw forth her her love, b/c of her disrespect.

I'll say it this way. When you are at the point where she has dropped the bomb, or if she is an affair, you should not be focused on showing how much you love her. That's what you did before M, in order to win her heart, and it's your nature to want to do it again when you feel her slipping through your fingers. However, the difference now is that pursuit doesn't work with a WAW/WW/MLCW. And almost everything the H does......feels like pursuit to her. She's just not in a receptive state of mind, and LL is not going to make her respect him. I think some men stubbornly think they can change her or wear her down by pursuing......but if she falls into one of these categories....it won't work! So, what's a man to do? He has to stay focused on getting his respect back. Once she's out of the A, and she is treating him with respect, THEN he can start applying her LL.

Imagine you trying to demonstrate these LL to a wayward W:

Are you really going to try to give physical touch/affection to a woman who turns to ice or flinches if you even try to give her a non-sexual touch? Okay, well let's say you have a W who had dropped the bomb, but she still wants the hugs & cuddles. There are some WW's who want to keep one foot in the M and one outside. However, the root of waywardness is disrespect. If she's cuddling up to you, spending quality time when it's convenient for her (being BFF's), while she's in an affair.......then I'd say she's getting the best of both worlds. So you figure it out and decide if you want to go for the cuddles, or the respect, first.

What about gifts, flowers, etc., as her LL? The same principle, IMHO, applies. If she has lost respect for you as man.....and as her H, do you get that respect back by sending her roses? No! You are showering her with gifts, while she cheats on you?? That's doesn't get a woman's respect. If her LL is gifts, it would be effective if she wasn't wayward, in MLC, WAW cases. By this time, it's too little, too late.......in her opinion. She'll probably say, "Thanks", but it's not going to change her.

Okay, then there are the words of affirmation. Same thing applies. Now, this has never been my talent and I really admire people who are are gifted in this area. They don't sound stiff or phony. It just flows naturally. They don't sound like they are buttering up someone to get out of trouble, or expecting something back. Some guys think words of affirmation is giving her a complement.....about her appearance. It goes much further. Words of affirmation give her emotional support. It lifts her spirits. So, there may be opportunities, but again.....it's a little tricky, b/c she isn't the same W and she isn't not going to draw her respect. When a H is suddenly trying to validate her every time she turns around, and he's using giving lot of affirmation (although different things), it sounds to her like he's just trying to kiss up.
That's why I caution H's about over kill. She's wayward, and knows when her H is trying to nice her back. She's got his number, and she'll spot a lame husband's complement in a second. I've read posts where the LBH is watching his WW get dolled up to go out to meet her OM......and the H would start complimenting about how hot she looked. Not the right time~!

Many WW's want family time, and some want time with the H, b/c she wants him to be her "friend". She doesn't want him for a lover....just a friend, and it has to be when she wants it, and it has to be all about "her".

What about acts of service? Oh sure! WW's love for the LBH to do all sorts of acts of service....and more! He can wait hand & foot on her, do all the chores, raise the kids, run himself into the ground.......b/c she doesn't run out of things he can do for "her". Does it affect her cold heart? Nope. At best, she'll tell him she appreciates it, but it won't make her respect him. Everything goes back to getting her to respect for him as a man, first. Otherwise, all these LL's do nothing to win back the heart of a WW.

Whenever you read a book written to improve relationships, it inspires us to immediately apply the methods recommended. I think the books on LL is very eye opening. They are terrific, IMHO. Like most any method, the timing of application is critical. I encourage everyone (men & women) to get the information about love languages. These LL's can be applied in other relationships (not intimate touches, or romantic stuff, but most others) such as family, relatives, friends, etc. It can be good practice, so when your W does start treating you with respect, you'll be ready to demonstrate her LL.

Sorry if it I seem to repeat myself a lot in this post.

[AnotherStander]

Wow, I would think most men couldn’t get enough of a W that wants physical affection and touch without having to ask for it all the time.

My GF's primary LL is PT. It does not mean she wants constant sex, or that mauling her all the time is the way to her heart. I still have to do a ton of listening and validating and DBing to keep things on an even keel. Mainly the touching makes her feel connected, it soothes her.

[sandi2]

See how easily Steve put the entire message in a few words? I have to learn how to do that!

[curtis7]

How do you picture quality time with your W?

Sandi, QT for me with my W is being present with her and showing up without distractions. Asking her about her day at work, listening to her struggles, giving her emotional support, eating meals together, etc. All without looking at the phone, computer, TV. Really prioritizing her and making her feel that my time with her is what’s most important to me in those moments. QT is also working on projects together around the house. These are great bonding experiences where we connect as partners and both can gain a sense of accomplishment when complete.

Date nights are key too and now I feel these should occur almost weekly. My W and I really didn’t go on dates since our son was born 8 years ago. We don’t have any family nearby and didn’t seek out babysitters too often, maybe a few times a year if we were attending a wedding or some other celebration. Life became very routine and heavily focused on raising the kids. One on one time just being around your mate and enjoying their company is so important to a successful MR. I see that now and miss it immensely.

I have really grown to appreciate QT since bomb drop. Admittedly, I was distracted before and didn’t realize the importance of this LL. I took my time with her for granted and didn’t make her feel special. Definitely a 180 for me that I was able to show when she was still living at home, not so easy when separated with limited communication and time together.

Filling her love tank is a maintenance item. Maintenance doesn't work after a breakdown.

Think of it like a car. Do the routine maintenance and it will keep purring along. Ignore the routine maintenance and you'll have a breakdown. Changing the oil on a car with a blown engine is a waste of time....and oil.

Steve, I can attest that speaking LLs post-BD hasn’t seemingly helped my sitch. While she may think it is nice and appreciates it on some level, it’s not enough when there is so much resentment present. Respect and love must be regained first, then consistently speaking LLs will prevent another breakdown from happening in the future.

[sandi2]

Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are okay and will drop us a post soon.

[curtis7]

Hi Sandi et al, thanks for thinking of me and checking in.

I’m still here. I spent the early part of June planning my California vacation with my kids and I’m just back from the 10 day trip. It was absolutely amazing!! Being with them everyday is something I haven’t had since WW moved out almost 3 months ago. Would have been great if W was with us on the trip, but the bonding experience and memories are irreplaceable and something she can’t take away from me.

I’ve been giving WW time and space as AS recommended. The cake eating continues with her horse. We mostly communicate about the kids and some small talk about her job, renovation projects she’s working on at the separation house, horses, etc. She is always nice and cordial and I reciprocate in kind. She has not brought up D. Nor has she inquired further about request for financial info or dividing assets/property per the deadline she imposed by the end of May. So from that standpoint DBing has been successful.

However, W is WW as ever with her multiple A partners. She is now cycling between OM1 (EA/possible PA co-worker), OM2 (PA 25 year old pickup artist), and OM3 (PA dirtbag that verbally abuses her based on texts I’ve seen) all within the span of a couple weeks. These sexual predators are attacking on all fronts and her vulnerability/desires can’t fight them off. Full blown GGW with divorced BFF by her side to support and promote her new lifestyle. She fails to see the harm that her choices will cause to our children. Selfishness, it’s all about her. I’m afraid I’ve reached the end of my timeline in limbo. I want off this roller coaster.

I’ll post an update in the next day or two on my thoughts and plans going forward. I would really appreciate advice from the vets on the best course of action for the options that I’ll lay out. I’m still willing to R, only if the A’s end. It’s time for me to make a final stand. She may or may not feel a crisis, but it will be her choice to make. My expectations are near zero and I’m willing to try almost anything. I am ready to move on one way or another, with or without her, protect my emotional well-being and put all of my energy into living a life that is best for me and my children.

[MrBrside]

Curtis,

I meant to post a while back when you mentioned WW coming over and helping herself to the beer.. My question was about the horse.. Can she not keep it elsewhere.. In my personal sitch, everything changed for the better once my WW was gone from the home and contact was minimal ( ie collecting the children ) . Really helps in detachment... It is probably not that simple until Divorce etc, but again if she persists down this route, do you really want to be keeping her horse / seeing her daily if / when she finally moves in with one of these guys. It does seem like cake eating extreme..