So we had a really good day yesterday. (As far as friends anyway). I resisted initiating any heavy talks. Made her laugh some. I was in an angry mood last night but trying not to show it. I was being really quiet and she eventually asked if everything was ok. I replied yes and she said well your not saying much. I just kinda said hmm and left it at that. But I feel now like maybe I was a little to cold to her and I damaged some progress I’ve made which makes me sad. Thoughts?
Hey guys. So I’m trying to figure out where we are. I’ve been told I’m not in a LRT sitch. But it sure feels like it. We after the ILYBINILWY bomb and then the “I would be less miserable without you” and then a couple days later when I asked if she wanted a divorce and she said “ I don’t know I don’t want to do this tonight”. It sure feels like LRT territory. I’m still not sure how to act around her. I’m trying to Validate whenever possible. She asked if I wanted to go with her yesterday to visit her fam for a bit and run errands so I went. We went out to dinner with some friends and I was making them laugh hard. I glanced at her and she was trying not to laugh. I asked subtly who she has been msging so much. She said “ my sister but it doesn’t matter”. Which I don’t know what that means
It’s so painful to be so close to her but yet so far away. I think this is what love is long suffering means. I don’t think she understands you have to create your own happiness. And I make her unhappy
I wish the pain would stop
It’s hard to GAL because we just moved. House still has lots of boxes. House is a mess.
WHy did you ask her who she was messaging? How does asking her that fit in to DBing?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oz, you keep asking what to do, please print out Sandi's rules and read them several times a day. They are your template on how to behave. They are like DB'ing "crib notes". Just try and calm down, you sound extremely anxious. It took you a long time to get to this point even though it seems sudden, and it will take a long time to dig out of it. Patience!
This is excellent advice. I read Sandi's rules every day as a refresher and to commit them to memory. It DOES help.
Also, not sure if it's your thing but meditation has helped me very much to calm down. Whenever I get anxious or feel it coming on I stop, take 4 deep breaths. Helps to focus on something other than thoughts. It takes some practice but after about a week or so you can condition yourself to extend those calm moments. Might be worth a try.
Please help me understand the book more. I’ve asked this several times How do I behave around her????????!!!!
I don’t know which tactics I should be using for my sitch.. somebody please help. I’ve been told I’m not in LRT. but then everybody recommends last resort things to do. I’m scared and don’t know which part of the books advice applies to me right now. At this moment. Someone please HELP!
First, you should be around her as little as possible. LBSs usually get clingy after BD, Follow their WAS around, begging for their attention.
Second, asking her who she is messaging so much IS NOT giving her time and space. NO PRESSURE. NO PURSUIT.
Third, someone told you to treat her like a friendly neighbor. sandi's rules tell you to treat her like a cashier at the store. Detachment says to be present, pleased, upbeat, friendly, but not overly engaging (do not start conversations) with her. oz there is a lot of material here about these topics. Have you done all of the reading from Cadet's first response.
I can tell you are bucking DBing methods, like many newbies, because they are counter-intuitive. I did the same thing. There is a simple fact you have to come to face: you cannot nice her back, woo her back, do what you did when dating her to get her back. None of that will work.
Back off. Give her time and space. Work on being detached. And focusing on improvements you can make to yourself. Those are the tactics that MIGHT...MIGHT....did I say MIGHT eventually cause her to get curious as to what is different and start coming back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She owns a home about 5 minutes away from me. After our D she went through a fight with breast cancer but is now cancer free and doing well. I see her about once a week when we exchange our son (our two daughters are grown now). We still have joint celebrations for birthdays and Christmas. It was my bday a couple of weeks ago and she and I and the 3 kids went out for dinner and then for ice cream, she paid. Then we went to her place and they gave me a few presents. This has been our life after D, we're still in each other's lives and get along just fine.
That’s great and I think you are a better man than I am. I would NOT be willing to have a relationship if I get divorced, especially after what she’s done to our family by making the decision to leave.
She owns a home about 5 minutes away from me. After our D she went through a fight with breast cancer but is now cancer free and doing well. I see her about once a week when we exchange our son (our two daughters are grown now). We still have joint celebrations for birthdays and Christmas. It was my bday a couple of weeks ago and she and I and the 3 kids went out for dinner and then for ice cream, she paid. Then we went to her place and they gave me a few presents. This has been our life after D, we're still in each other's lives and get along just fine.
That’s great and I think you are a better man than I am. I would NOT be willing to have a relationship if I get divorced, especially after what she’s done to our family by making the decision to leave.
be careful with these kind of pronouncements. After my W's EA in 2005, I said if she ever did it again i would out here. 12 years later, EA #2, I went right back into MR saving mode.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85, why do we love our spouses so much that we are willing to put up with this stuff? So many of my friends tell me not to put up with it, but the truth is I just love her.
Destroyd, there is a difference between love and putting up with this. You can still love her, but NOT put with it. We all have a line of what we will put up with. Some will not put up with an affair. Period. Some will put up with an affair but not physical abuse. Some might even put up with physical abuse, but not attempts to kill them.
So I don't see loving and putting up as so closely tied. I have an ex-gf that I still love. But I quit putting up with her garbage years ago.
You should never have unconditional love in a love relationship.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are to treat her like a cat. Do not chase cats. Let the cat come to you. If this does not work, treat her like a squirrel. Do not make sudden movements around squirrels, you will scare the squirrel away.
You are to listen very carefully to what she says and remember every word. Full attention with eye contact. This is her story that you need to understand. It is not your story. Do not try to change her story. Validate.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
That’s great and I think you are a better man than I am. I would NOT be willing to have a relationship if I get divorced, especially after what she’s done to our family by making the decision to leave.
We do it for the kids. We talked a lot about it after BD and were both on board with supporting the kids and making it all as easy on them as we could. So we continued to have joint get-togethers for birthdays and Christmas. You and your W have S5 together, so you have no choice but to have some kind of relationship. Try to look past your hurt and pain and remember S5 is caught in the middle of this.
EDIT- sorry I forgot this is Oz's thread, let's try to keep it focused on him!
