I think it doesn’t make any sense to you because you are still taking your Ws word that you are working on the marriage.
Actually she doesn't even say we are working on the MR. At this point we are working on the S, and on making my W feel more safe and secure with me around the kids. And, yes, I think her concerns are completely overblown but it is what it is. This needs to be addressed even if we D, otherwise she may go crazy in the legal system. I like the MC, he acknowledges her concerns, but also makes it clear she can't hold this over my head forever, and we are working towards short-term resolution.
Now, "down the road" into the S it is possible we pivot to working on the MR. I doubt it, because I can't even envision how we would start. This S is going to become a new limbo, different from what I had before, but still, limbo. And just like before I am going to have to fight the temptation to resolve it.
Originally Posted by LH19
This is still one of your downfalls. You still think she was mad she didn’t get a letter and you still think she was mad you were distancing. Believe nothing they say!
I think she is mad no matter what I do. I know why she is truly mad, and would like to work on that part of our MR, if she also wanted to work on her part.
Originally Posted by LH19
I will repeat this again. People who are working on there marriage don’t separate. They do it together in MC.
What about people who separate AND go to MC?
For the record, I agree with you on this point, for now, because "MC" is basically "communication and co-parenting coaching" right now. It could morph into something else down the road, or it may not. I know what I think the odds are, but that kind of thinking is pointless. We could have instead chosen MC without S.
It's pretty fundamental at this point. My W is unhappy. She has no idea how to make herself happy.
Your posts are confusing to me because at times you seem like you know exactly what’s happening and then I see posts from you where you seem clueless.
MC is possibly for a way to communicate but most likely to check a box. The only reason I think she’s not going straight to D is to say she tried and I believe there is no OM.
IMO your only shot but a slim one is to stay in your home and leave her to her own mess. No MC unless you’re truly working on marriage. If she Ds you it’s all on her.
Your posts are confusing to me because at times you seem like you know exactly what’s happening and then I see posts from you where you seem clueless.
Guilty as charged.
Originally Posted by LH19
MC is possibly for a way to communicate but most likely to check a box. The only reason I think she’s not going straight to D is to say she tried and I believe there is no OM.
She doesn't want the guilt on her conscience, correct.
Originally Posted by LH19
IMO your only shot but a slim one is to stay in your home and leave her to her own mess. No MC unless you’re truly working on marriage. If she Ds you it’s all on her.
I think you mean this is my only shot at reconciliation, correct?
I am all over the place. I struggle with balancing the dual goals of DB: Becoming AMOAFWL, and R.
If I focus on R, then I should make a stand in the house. Absolutely. But my chances either way are slim. Sometimes when I post here I am hanging onto the rope stronger than other times.
If I focus on AMOAFWL, then I am led to believe I need to be in a separate place. I know that I could stay in the house and still work on being AMOAFWL, but I just don't have the patience anymore to do this while cohabiting with my W. Sometimes I feel gaslighted, sometimes I feel emotionally abused myself, sometimes I just want to be away from her controlling behaviors. I'm excited to be apart. I can spend my time alone on hobbies, exercise, meditation, reading, connecting with friends. All the stuff that is really hard to do living in a remote house away from people that takes a ton of work just to keep clean. And when I have the kids, I can do the things I want to do, take them fishing, hiking, camping, be silly.
And ultimately if I'm happier and healthier apart, rather than IHS, I think it is the right choice.
U, like LH, I find your posts very confusing. At first it sounded like you were moving out because it's what YOU wanted, because you felt your situation had become intolerable and you were ready for S and D. But then later it sounds like you're moving out because your W wants you to and is making it sound like she'll be willing to work on the M if you move out. If it's the former, then go ahead and move out. If it's the latter, then don't move out because she has ZERO intentions of working on the M. She is simply "dangling the carrot of hope" to get you to do what she wants. We've seen it happen so many times. The W makes a bunch of crap promises, the H moves out, the W immediately pursues an affair and often even moves OM in.
I think you mean this is my only shot at reconciliation, correct?
Yes but when I say that I mean prior to D or an extreme amount of time you being in limbo.
Originally Posted by unchien
And ultimately if I'm happier and healthier apart, rather than IHS, I think it is the right choice.
I'm not saying I don't agree. What I am saying is that the would to do is to tell her the following: I have though it over and this arrangement does not work for me. I would like us to remain in the home and work out our marriage in MC. I understand that you need space and want to separate. I will not be leaving our children and the marital home. I understand it may take some time for you to find a place and secure employment to pay for your expenses. Until that time we should both give each other as much space as possible. We both need time to think about what's best for us and the children in the future.
AS - OK I think I understand why I am coming across as confusing.
I am absolutely moving out because it is better for me.
MC is the confusing part of my posts, because it implies I think we are working on the MR. That is not the case.
Currently we are going to MC to work on co-parenting and communication. These are absolutely essential for our kids' sake. My W and I agree that we need this coaching, and if she disagreed, I would have refused to S. The counselor is helping us tremendously in coming to basic agreements about how we will handle finances, timesharing, etc. during this S, and what is reasonable to ask of each other. I notice improvement in communication in my W, although she still explodes over little misunderstandings often.
NONE of that MC right now is focused on the MR, or potential R. And I am okay with that. Long-term it is possible that MC would morph into focusing on the MR, should both my W and I want to head in that direction. But I am not hanging onto hope that this WILL happen, nor do I think it is likely.
I think you mean this is my only shot at reconciliation, correct?
Yes but when I say that I mean prior to D or an extreme amount of time you being in limbo.
One thing I've realized is that our limbo went back much further than I originally thought.
I realized my W was considering D 3 months ago. So originally I pegged limbo starting then. But... She stopped talking about our R 6 months ago. We haven't been intimate in 9 months. We started MC1 almost 12 months ago. Due to problems that started 18-24 months ago. And red flags that were visible years ago.
I appreciate you challenging me on moving out. My simplest response is that the arrangement of me moving out does work for me. It works for me more than staying in the house and having her move out. Not sure which is better for our MR, but this choice came down to what I think is best for UC.
I know you think that now as did I when I moved out temporarily but it was by far the dumbest thing I ever did.
Just hope that your children don’t wonder for the rest of their lives why you walked out on them. I know that sounds harsh but that very well may be your reality.
Based on the principle "Believe none of what they say, half of what they do."