Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I had a lot of notifications over the weekend - and some made no sense to me, if I did nothing about your notification please explain it better or re-post it here so we can discuss.
For my own reference I am putting the MLC welcome thread here. Followed by the latest Newcomers welcome. Also Newbies can find it a little easier on this thread. _____________________________________________________________
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely: Consider this your homework.
I realise ye are all busy and do great work here, thanks for that. I was wondering if the "timeframe"study ever got developed?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I posted earlier in this thread about the timeframe it can take as it is a concept many have trouble realising. You and others discussed how to study/present that.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Out of the four people discussing it, you, me, Starsky and Gan. Only you and I are still posting on this forum. I have not done any work on it. Have you?
Gan - I think was a researcher, I am not sure I can offer the same talents to this project.
Looking back I was offering to set up a poll but even the one that was set up only got limited results.
From my experience in MLC I can offer that a normal(if there even is a word like that) one lasts on average 2-7 years with 2 being very short. 7 also may not be long enough. I have certainly seen them in that time range and I have also seen them never end.
I think that the advice of continuing to live your life "as if" they are never coming back is only thing we can do.
No I have done nothing, except observe timeframes in situations here. But I am only (ONLY)hhere a year!
Yes that helps. In your observation of couples that split, is the timeframe similar for WAS to realise they want back. I know each situation is different but surely there is a general pattern. In the last year most of the WAS that recontacted lbs to reconcile did so 9-18 months into separation.
Overall I think newbies never contemplate the real length of time it could take . At the beginning weeks seem lloooonnnnggggg.
Someone quoted you recently on a thread stating that you believe in most cases the WAS regrets their decision but it is often long after lbs has shut the door. Is that your observation?
Thank you for sharing your valuable insights
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Someone quoted you recently on a thread stating that you believe in most cases the WAS regrets their decision but it is often long after lbs has shut the door. Is that your observation?
Yes.
The old GIFT of TIME strikes again.
Quote:
In your observation of couples that split, is the timeframe similar for WAS to realise they want back. I know each situation is different but surely there is a general pattern. In the last year most of the WAS that recontacted lbs to reconcile did so 9-18 months into separation.
I would also say YES, if you look at most of the success stories they happen in that time frame.
Jamie had some really good advice. Here it is: ****************************** Hi My DBing Friends! For those not familiar with our situation, H and I have been separated for 18 months and have not initiated any legal action. I'm a firm DB supporter and know that no matter what happens with my marriage I am a more centered and whole person since focussing on what I needed to do for me and my children. It was only when I stopped obsessing with my H's possible agenda and motives that I was able to see more clearly what productive changes I could make in myself and to then begin implementing them. From what I have read on the board, there is clearly a pattern of people seeing a turnaround in their situations when they realize that no matter what happens they will be fine regardless of what their spouses decide. I guess it is part of the letting go process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our spouses should or should not be doing. My H needs to continue on his journey and work through some things, but I think he has gradually come to realize I am his friend and not the enemy he perceived 18 months ago.
I think one of the most common questions that people ask on the board is how long to hang in there and wait for their spouses to return or recomit. I guess my personal answer is that remaining open to reconciliation is very different from "waiting" in that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children without closing any doors re. your spouse. Perhaps I mention this only because a friend just earlier today asked (after I mentioned some positive developments) "how long are you going to wait for him?" My explanantion might have been lost on her, but I knew, as most of us here know or are learning, that remaining open to reconciliation and having it as a goal is indeed very different from being frozen in time, pining by the phone waiting for him or her to announce their intentions, or watching endlessly for the front door to open.
I'm realistic I think in believing that there will likely be many more bumps ahead, but I feel stronger than ever to deal with them as they arise. I truly send you my thanks for helping me so much so far. I would have been one lost little puppy had I not stumbled on this board and met you! Jamie
