I Was Jerk (Part 2)

[Gekko]

Projection. You handled it perfectly. Hold up the mirror.

Thanks unchien. I can't say it enough how much the calm and cool demeanor makes everything W spews so much easier to deal with. It's almost like Neo in the Matrix where everything slows down and you see behind all the BS.

[unchien]

Exactly - and the calmer and cooler you get, the more you start to recognize the level of denial you had been living in beforehand, tethered to the emotions of your partner.

[Gekko]

Exactly - and the calmer and cooler you get, the more you start to recognize the level of denial you had been living in beforehand, tethered to the emotions of your partner.

Some form of denial definitely sprung from overconfidence earlier in our R. I witnessed W on occasion speak to people in a nasty, abrasive, disrespectful tone - like her dad, her mom, the clerk at the department store. It was offputting but didn't happen all that often and she had many many great qualities. And I knew for sure the she would NEVER speak to me like that, after all I'm Gekko, no one talks to me that way. I think one of the morals of my story is that if you see your significant other speaking to others in a harsh way, it's only a matter of time until that attitude is going to be directed at you.

[unchien]

So true. I also saw my W cut people out of her life - friends, family - once she categorized them. Now I’m on the list. It’s part of the reason I doubt her when she does talk about reconciliation, it’s not her style to admit any fault and work through difficulties in relationships.

[MLCxH]

I'm not dreading the impact on the kids as much as I was dreading telling them about the D, but I am concerned about how they will fare in the new place.

What did you tell the kids and how did they take it? sorry if you already covered this earlier in your thread.

We sat them down and told them we were getting D'd but provided no reason, we just focused on the fact that they would still live in the house, go to the same school, same friends and activities, etc., just that mommy and daddy would be living in separate houses, so they would have 2 homes. And we told them that we would all still be living together for awhile (been 4 months now since we told them and i'm still IHS).

My 7 yr old cried for awhile and had to be comforted, have to say it was pretty painful to watch. My 4 yr old wasn't fazed at all. W cried, I did not. I honestly wasn't even close to crying. I got misty from time to time in the weeks prior to BDing the kids, just worrying about it, but I was solid in the moment and after and since. I'm glad we have passed that milestone in this shytty process.

Telling the kids is a big milestone and I am glad you got past that reasonably well. That is probably the toughest part of this whole thing that one person is determining the future of everyone in the family. I think it becomes easier once the kids know and you can start focusing on helping them adapt

[Gekko]

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Telling the kids is a big milestone and I am glad you got past that reasonably well. That is probably the toughest part of this whole thing that one person is determining the future of everyone in the family. I think it becomes easier once the kids know and you can start focusing on helping them adapt
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I'm expecting some bumps in the road for sure. Missing mommy, wanting to go to mommy's house, that kind of stuff. I'm bracing to get hit with it. All I can do is be the best dad I can be and make our new house awesome for them. The kids are very young and we have a long way to go before they launch, it's going to a long haul for them shuttling between homes. I'm a pretty upbeat positive guy but I can't lie that I am bummed out over that aspect of the sitch.

[Tryhard]

Kids are very adaptive, some take more time than others , as long as both parents act like loving parents. There are lots of positives in kids eyes to having two homes . Extra presents etc . Most importantly stay strong for the kids , they come first . Hide the sadness if you can until they aren’t near . It’s a horrible thing but try to make it as best you can for them .

[MLCxH]

I'm expecting some bumps in the road for sure. Missing mommy, wanting to go to mommy's house, that kind of stuff. I'm bracing to get hit with it. All I can do is be the best dad I can be and make our new house awesome for them.

This is the tough part. Not just missing mommy when they are at dad's house but also missing daddy when they are at mommy's house.

Kids are very adaptive, some take more time than others , as long as both parents act like loving parents. There are lots of positives in kids eyes to having two homes . Extra presents etc . Most importantly stay strong for the kids , they come first .

That is good advice. Hopefully they will adapt well. All we can do is try on our end

[Gekko]

Thanks much for the input you guys. I love my kids with all my heart and want them to have amazing lives, and a D will not stop that from happening. We have many incredible adventures coming up and lots of memories to be made. And day to day life is going to be solid. Just gotta take a few lumps here and there, that's all.

On that note as an update my new landlord advises my new place will be ready at the end of July. My L and W's L are putting the finishing touches on a separation agreement that must be signed before I exit the premises. Main issues are 1) house must be listed for sale or W's dad must cut me a check for $x; 2) must agree to 50/50 custody; 3) I keep all my investments and no alimony or child support; 4) even split of everything in the house; 5) W takes over 100% of all payments for the house, I am free and clear of it. W has seen at least the first draft of the agreement that my L drew up so she knows where I stand and I told her point blank I am not moving out with the agreement, I will get my deposit back on the rental and just stay put. My L from talking with her L says we are going to reach a deal, and I trust their word.

I know there has been a lot of talk on the board about not moving out and I AGREE in general. I look at my sitch in phases regarding housing:

Phase 1: is BD and shortly thereafter - no way was I moving out, not even going to leave the MBR.

Phase 2: a span of up to about 5 months after BD - still staying put, crunching numbers on whether I could keep the house, not committing to anything, deflecting all attempts at detailed discussions, the "i'll have to think about that" phase LOL.

Phase 3: 5+ months after BD - conceding it will be financial suicide to keep the house, developing strategy on how to proceed, setting pre-requisites for a move out, looking at property, negotiating terms and planning the transition. I am late in this phase now, working on month 9 post BD.

I wish I could afford the house because I would be staying. I envy those of you who didn't budge. But I am going to end up with a nice payday whether we sell or I get bought out, so that will ease the pain a little...:)

[Ready2Change]

Missing mommy, wanting to go to mommy's house, that kind of stuff. I'm bracing to get hit with it. All I can do is be the best dad I can be and make our new house awesome for them. The kids are very young and we have a long way to go before they launch, it's going to a long haul for them shuttling between homes. I'm a pretty upbeat positive guy but I can't lie that I am bummed out over that aspect of the sitch.

Just keep validating feelings:

“I understand how frustrating this must be for you. Mommy and daddy agreed that you will be here until Wednesday. How about we bake some cookies.”