W seemed stressed this morning about insurance if you guys remember from yesterday. She wants to be on her own plan but has realized it’s more expensive than my family plan
I just told her if she don’t want to be in mine that’s fine. She started to backtrack and figure out how to get off hers and on mine
I stopped her and said
“If you don’t want to be on mine it’s fine no pressure we will figure it out. She looked oddly relieved
Is it weird that I feel full of confidence? My head seems level today.
At the same time I feel really sad. Not depressed, not angry, not happy. Like it will be what it will be. But extraordinarily sad.
Every night I have dreamt that we were just fine. And wake up and remember that we are not. Last night I dreamt we were done for good. I woke up and was relieved to see her there.
It’s a weird kinda sad. I love her more deeply than anything I have in my life I love her enough to let her be happy. It kills me but I care about her more than myself
Yes this is good. However, learn the validation thread. Rather than trying to solve things for her or reassure her, just listen and validate.
"I understand how you feel, these kinds of decisions are daunting." "It must be hard to try to figure all of this out, especially related to finances."
Etc.
What you said wasn't bad. But you do not need to try to fix things or reassure her. This is her stuff to figure out. Empathize and get out of the way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just told her if she don’t want to be in mine that’s fine. She started to backtrack and figure out how to get off hers and on mine. I stopped her and said “If you don’t want to be on mine it’s fine no pressure we will figure it out.
It sounds like 2/3'rds of a victory.
She began to feel the pressure of the reality of separating AND you didn't pressure her--leading her to want to switch back. You then stopped her and relieved the pressure--"WE'LL figure it out."
Originally Posted by "Steve85"
But you do not need to try to fix things or reassure her. This is her stuff to figure out. Empathize and get out of the way.
I just told her if she don’t want to be in mine that’s fine. She started to backtrack and figure out how to get off hers and on mine. I stopped her and said “If you don’t want to be on mine it’s fine no pressure we will figure it out.
It sounds like 2/3'rds of a victory.
She began to feel the pressure of the reality of separating AND you didn't pressure her--leading her to want to switch back. You then stopped her and relieved the pressure--"WE'LL figure it out."
Originally Posted by "Steve85"
But you do not need to try to fix things or reassure her. This is her stuff to figure out. Empathize and get out of the way.
** Added - We said similar things! I'm learning.
CW! I love it. But we are all learning. Every time a veteran speaks here, I learn something. AS, R2C, Cadet, sandi, neffer, etc...... They are amazing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks guys. I’m trying to validate. It’s harder than it sounds. She really hurt her ankle when she crashed on a jet ski a couple weeks ago. She was talking about the pain and how it still hits and is swollen
Her, look at this. Man it still hurts Me that looks painful. I’m sorry Her. (Touching it). Ouch do you see that? Me wow that really [censored]. It looks very painful
Is this right?
Guys do I really have a shot at this. Is it really possible that we will make it and right the ship?
She MIGHT be having an EA. If she is do I just leave it alone until I have proof and got my head on straight
This is a loaded question. But what are my chances?
Her, look at this. Man it still hurts Me that looks painful. I’m sorry Her. (Touching it). Ouch do you see that? Me wow that really [censored]. It looks very painful
I believe that is more empathy.
Validation is more about her emotional feelings. Anger, Frustrations, Happy, Scared, Worried.
W:"SO and so did this and that to me Bla bla bla bla bla" H:"I bet you were livid."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
