Thanks! Things are good. I’m excited for vacation because work has been kicking my butt.
So picture this: i was supposed to pick up D11 from camp and her dad was going to pick her up at 6:30 but I got stuck at work. He was going to get her from camp and they invited me to dinner. I had no plans, M got stuck at work. So they picked her up and said they would wait for me at my house . Imagine walking into your home to see your child, ex and his wife chilling in your living room. I would have never ever imagined that for myself. And when you walk in and your ex says to you, in front of his wife, “you look nice!” ( I had a cool dress on for work and everyone complimented me today) we all went out to dinner and it’s as normal as it could be. It’s wonderful my daughter can see that. But on the way there she drove with me and began asking questions about cheating again. She said “ dad would never do that, you guys just divorced because you weren’t meant for each other “ I used to say I wouldn’t lie to her. But I considered taking the truth to my grave. M had suggested I tell my ex she’s been asking and discuss how we should handle it. But I don’t know about that. Would it be awful of me if I never told her the truth? Is this a “good” lie? My only fear is if she found out the truth, she would resent me.
This is a really tough one. She’s happy that her parents and her stepmother get along. She’s incredibly well adjusted given the circumstances. I don’t want to ruin that.
This is a tough one Ginger. I’m wondering if you could say something like “this is personal and I would like to keep the details of our divorce to myself right now. Just know that divorce was the right decision for what me and your dad were going through at the time”. This way your not lying to her but not telling her something that is really hard to process?
It really is tough. I have said that. And it’s tough because she’s like a 40 year old in a 12 year old body. Seriously. The answer is never good enough then she talks it out loud to herself and comes to the conclusion her father wouldn’t do that. Which is hard for me. For what has really happened the kid is so well adjusted. She’s got a dad who does love her, a stepmother who loves her, and a mom who loves her and she knows M does too. And her parents still get along and are kind to each other . It’s what you hope for in divorce. I don’t want all I strived for to be spoiled for her.
On a different note..... I am pleasantly surprised by M’s actions lately. He invited me everywhere and wants to spend lots of time with me and us. He invited me to his house do a BBQ today and a friends party saturday. I’ll have D11 tomorrow and he has his son both days. Then we go away together. He has been bulges inclusive of us and will spend most of his kid-time with us/me. Friday night D11 is having a friend sleep over my house. He will have Friday together with his son. I of course work. It’s been really nice. In 2 weeks, he will be going away and kind of off the grid. I’ll be in the Nash for a few of those days at a bachelorette party! D11 will be away. And as excited as he is to have this solo vacay he does say legit he wished I could have made it. I guess we are settling in nicely.
I still have insecurities about how I am in a relationship. I am really trying to keep them in check. I need to dig deep for that self confidence and know I am a catch. I am imperfect, but I’ve got a lot to offer. And I need to carry that with confidence.
I agree that it is a difficult situation to navigate with D11 and I wish I had some sage advice to offer you. Unfortunately, I just don’t. I definitely don’t think you should lie to her because that could blow up in your face later but at the same time, I’m not sure telling her the whole story now is good either. I keep hearing that advice about not involving kids in adult matters ringing in my ears and despite her maturity far beyond her years, she IS still a kid. So I don’t know...I don’t envy you but you are a great mom so I know you’ll figure out how to navigate it.
Sounds like things are great with M and I absolutely couldn’t be happier for you. You totally deserve it. I hate to be a buzz kill but something you said (and have said more than once in recent posts) sticks out to me like a sore thumb. You said “I am imperfect, but I’ve got a lot to offer.” Girl, drop the first part of that sentence! I’ve read in more than one post of yours recently where you have said you aren’t perfect. Honey, NOBODY is perfect, so quit trying to convince yourself that you aren’t living up to some impossible standard. You’re smart, beautiful, hard-working, fun, a great mom. You DO have a lot to offer so just get that phrase about being imperfect out of your head and out of your vocabulary or you’ll never really see yourself for the amazing perfect you are.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
That last part should have been amazing PERSON. Lol Typing fast on my phone doesn’t always work out the way I hope it will.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Thank you dawn. I know I should drop the imperfect part. No one is perfect. But I’m pretty awesome! We spent some time together on the 4th. It was his mom, brother, brothers wife, me and his son. I even went with them to drop off his son to mom. ( she couldn’t see me) . We went back to his place, laid in his bed and he passed out. He was out riding hard all day in the sun with his S. No sexy time. We will not have sexy time for a while. Which kind of stinks. Yesterday, he invited us to his childhood friends pool party. We had a blast. Met a lot of people he went to high school with. The friend who hosted the party asked how we met. I admit to feeling funny saying “online” we did have a really good time, even when it began to pour. D11 is super comfortable with him and likes him a lot. His son loves me and vice versa. M did p!ss me off when D11 talked back to me and very firmly was telling her it would not be tolerated. He starts whispering “stop yelling” I was by no means yelling at her, but firmly telling her to shut her mouth down and be respectful. I looked at him and said “I am not yelling and I will not stop”. My daughter needs firmness from time to time, she can be a sassy back talking pre teen. The way you deal with a back talking 11 the way you deal with a smart mouth 11 year old and a 5 year old little boy is different. He got the hint. I’ve never spoken to HIM that way. I think he sensed I was p!ssed and seemed to feel a little bad.
At one point in the night his friend was making a joke and “don’t get married” and M seemed to be on that train. Like I have said, marriage isn’t really all important to me. I would like to live like I am married one day, but I don’t need to lock it down with paperwork and a ceremony. But there is a small tiny part of me who would like to get the chance to do it again, since the first time didn’t even seem real to me. We don’t talk about the future. I mean, we talk like we are going to be together for a very long time, but it doesn’t have a shape or form yet. We might move slower than others, and that’s ok.
Our relationship is having a definite shift. It feels like all of us are a family. Like we are living the family life now. We don’t live together , but most of our time spent together is as a family and we do really work well as a family ( aside for when he stops me from disciplining my daughter as I do). I do love it and it’s what I’ve wanted. I do miss our alone time, which we get about once a week. We do not do sleepovers with kids around. Sure, he could come here and spend a night with D11 here in the week, but he wants to be home and I am usually busy with housework We have our one night a week together, and a night or two every other weekend. Like on this trip, I’ll be sharing a bed with D11 and he will be sharing with his S. But we are very family like now, which is pretty cool. And becoming like that really does mean for another level of commitment. Actually a huge level of commitment. We both know our kids are attached to each other, and is too. Neither would drop the other one, for the sake of the kids too. I think it gives you that much more to fight for when times get rough. It’s not easy to walk away now.
So I would say we are pretty committed right now. Off to vacation together today! Can’t wait!!!
Last edited by job; 07/07/1903:10 PM. Reason: edited language
Neither would drop the other one, for the sake of the kids too. I think it gives you that much more to fight for when times get rough. It’s not easy to walk away now.
Not to freak you out, but this doesn't seem to stop people from breaking up at all.
As for M's comments about marriage - I wouldn't take too seriously what a guy says in the company of guy friends about marriage. Now granted, he has good reason to be gunshy about marriage, but that doesn't mean he's not going to want to make an honest woman out of you some day. I just suspect that would be on something like a 3-5 year timeline.
Sounds to me like what's bothering you most about the relationship is the lack of sex. Do you suspect his drive isn't as high as yours?
Oh, I know, my ex dropped me like a hot potato with a newborn. But my ex also is completely selfish. I think that we might try a little harder and not walk away when things get rough. I hope anyways. I know I won’t.
Will he change his mind about marriage? Maybe. I know I did. I was really against remarriage. And it would be a longer time frame for us, you are right.
The lack of sex. Yes. My drive might be slightly higher than his. I need physical touch. We just don’t spend time enough alone to have intimacy often. And when he’s tired, he can’t stay away for the life of him. He was too tried last Wednesday to come over. Then fell asleep on Thursday . And maybe we will get one more chance to be alone before he goes away. I think we could definitely up the sex, but yes, to do that, we need to work schedules. He’s not one to go out of his way for a quickie like J. I know he’s attracted to me, but I think sex might not be a priority. He performs like a champ, though.
G....maybe you guys need to do some roll playing and spice things up! Cops and Robbers????? LOL!!
Again there is no perfect person, what are the major deal breakers for you. What can you live with and what can't you live without? Is sex and frequent sex high on your priority list? For the Dr. it is because she was in a sexless marriage for 10 years. A person that can perform and wants to perform is on her radar.
