Folks I just signed a separation agreement. We are going to need a bigger final final document with more details but this is the starting point. 50/50 custody and house buyout deal or list it for sale by August 1 are the main terms.
My Dad's wife thinks I should not agree to a buyout and instead force the sale of the house. She thinks W will have the "upper hand" with the kids if I move out and she does not. W and I told the kids that one of us was going to keep the house when we broke the D news to them, and I think it's best for the kids for them to stay in that house (50% of the time...) during the early years of the D at least. I don't think it's best for them to have 2 new homes at the same time. I want some familiarity and stability for them. Plus I don't want to go back on our word of keeping the house for them. Hopefully W and her dad will step up with enough $$ to buy me out.
Gekko - regarding the house, do what YOU want. What is important to you? We all have many voices to listen to - friends, family, DB forum, counselors. Advice is great but often conflicting or colored by the experiences of the giver. Sometimes the advice is based on prior experience and should carry more weight. Only you can decide in the end what is best for you. If you are unsure and you have weighed everything I would say go with your gut.
Also it helps me to think what do I REALLY care about and what is not important. Simplify to your core needs. Fight the battles that matter to you, nothing more, nothing less.
Gekko, do what is best for you financially. Of course we preach not leaving the home but not necessarily when you're talking about a D settlement. My brother hung onto the family home in D but it's a huge 2 story affair that he can't afford on his own. So now he has an absolute mountain of CC debt and a house that is falling apart because he can't afford to maintain it, and an old junky car to boot. And he makes a six figure income! If your W stays there then so be it, but do get your fair cut out of the deal.
Thanks everyone for the input regarding the house. I would say my sitch might resemble AS's brother, where keeping the house would require cashing in the 401K with taxes and penalties, etc, and after that I would be in a precarious financial position moving forward. No thanks. I'll rent for a year or two while I strategize buying another smaller, more affordable house that will allow me some extra $$ for saving/investing and funding fun things for the kids.
The rental I have a deposit on is in a neighborhood where homes are more affordable and therefore there are a lot more families than my current neighborhood. Kids playing in the street, running back and forth between houses, etc. From an environment perspective it is a major upgrade for the kids compared to my current neighborhood.
The 4th was fun, we went to a big party at a friends house, I spent most of my time talking with friends and playing with the kids in the pool. Probably spent a total of 10 minutes altogether interacting with W, only on logistics of getting the kids fed, dried off out of the pool, etc. Great day.
I just confirmed a move-in date for my new place of July 27. Plan is for W and I to divvy up all the house stuff this weekend - that should be fun...:). She has not blinked an eye on the continued progress to D, and I am not blocking her. She is a WAW with years of resentment built up. She is a scorekeeper but rarely counts my goals, LOL. She holds grudges. I am an ahole because I have boundaries that I have always enforced - you can't insult me, disrespect me, speak to me in a condescending tone, etc. without getting push back from me. That makes me an ahole.
Her view is that she is not abrasive and insulting, she is just "honest". She just tells it like it is, doesn't "sugar coat" things. So she can say just about anything in any tone and it's just her being "blunt". If I have a problem with it, I'm too sensitive. It's all on me. She's never wrong, won't admit to being wrong or out of line, and will never apologize.
Rant off.
I'm not spending much time thinking of whether there is OM. I was talking with my dad the other day and he said he had a conversation with my mom, and she asked him if he thought W had a boyfriend. My dad replied to her with "Who Cares?" I love that guy, he gets it.
Regarding OM, whether current or future, my only real thoughts go to what type of guy will W be able to have a LTR with. I suspect after the honeymoon phase wears off OM will eventually see the issues that flow from her high strung nature, the quick temper and acid tongue, the criticism, the never-wrong attitude, the micromanagement, etc. Who will put up with it for a LTR? I am interested to see. I am starting to feel like a member of W's family, who I think have looked at our R from the beginning and thought "good luck to you Gekko". That's how I will look at OM. One of W's relatives actually told me point blank that they never thought she would be able to hold onto a guy because of her attitude issues.
Let me be clear I am not obssessing about W's future R, I am way too focused on my own sitch moving forward, but it does come to mind from time to time. So it's either completely normal, or I am not detached. I think I look at it as yet another way to validate what went wrong with my M. W's family, my family, my friends observations about W have been nothing but a series of validations of my take on her issues, yet I still seem to seek more. Is there ever an end, can I ever get enough?
I'm not spending much time thinking of whether there is OM. I was talking with my dad the other day and he said he had a conversation with my mom, and she asked him if he thought W had a boyfriend. My dad replied to her with "Who Cares?" I love that guy, he gets it.
Hard to work on a relationship with a third party involved.
The one thing that I believe is an alpha male will protect the relationship if it is important to him.
If there is a threat to his family, he will deal with it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
She is a WAW with years of resentment built up. She is a scorekeeper but rarely counts my goals, LOL. She holds grudges. I am an ahole because I have boundaries that I have always enforced - you can't insult me, disrespect me, speak to me in a condescending tone, etc. without getting push back from me. That makes me an ahole.
Her view is that she is not abrasive and insulting, she is just "honest". She just tells it like it is, doesn't "sugar coat" things. So she can say just about anything in any tone and it's just her being "blunt". If I have a problem with it, I'm too sensitive. It's all on me. She's never wrong, won't admit to being wrong or out of line, and will never apologize.
Rant off.
Saint Augustine: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
That quote lingers in my mind a lot lately. It's one of Gottman's 4 Horsemen for a reason. Your W has chosen to keep drinking the poison.
I think you will know you have achieved detachment when you don't need the external validation from other people, when you just know to your core that you are better off. And when you can see both the positive and negative qualities of your W in a balanced way, not clouded by emotion. It's just going to take time for your emotions to balance out to achieve this.
Your WAW is on her worst behavior at the moment, and you sound very frustrated. I know this feeling, being blamed for everything, having your spouse project their own issues onto you.
I think of my W in 2 stages: Pre-BD, and post-BD. The post-BD W is an absolute monster. Nobody would tolerate this kind of behavior beyond a first date. Long-term, she will return to pre-BD W. That version will likely still have the same trust and control issues weighing her down, the issues she ignores and denies. Maybe she would find the right person, maybe not. In a miracle scenario, she will tackle her trust and control issues head-on, and we will somehow R and beginning M 2.0. I am not holding my breath.
You're going to move out, start enjoying your new life with your own private space, and I think you are going to find it will accelerate the detachment process in a positive way for you.
N.B.: I am not a vet here, I am mid-process myself, this is just me shooting theories out there.
I'm not spending much time thinking of whether there is OM. I was talking with my dad the other day and he said he had a conversation with my mom, and she asked him if he thought W had a boyfriend. My dad replied to her with "Who Cares?" I love that guy, he gets it.
Hard to work on a relationship with a third party involved.
The one thing that I believe is an alpha male will protect the relationship if it is important to him.
If there is a threat to his family, he will deal with it.
So true. I have never shied away from confrontation in this regard in any of my relationships. I went from overt physical threats as a young man to being more subtle as I matured, but always an underlying hint of possible physicality. There is a Canadian clinical psychologist with some notoriety over the past several years who talks about the underlying threat of physical conflict between men, interesting subject and true.
If I discovered an OM during the R I would certainly gone against the general advice here and blown the whole thing up - direct confrontation with OM, tell his W (if any), tossing W out of the house and being tempted to go to the families. I was verifiably cheated on once by an old girlfriend (with her prior boyfriend) and she was immediately fired.
What is my W doing right now? Not me. She either has another guy, has her eye on another guy, or has her mind on the thought of another guy. We'll see how it all plays out. I am focusing on me and kids to be honest. She will do what she will do at this point. But I will not hesitate to call BS loudly if she ultimately starts parading a new guy around who she knew from work before BD but "nothing happened until after D, they were just friends" LOL.
