Your spouse needs to know you want to make it work right
She knows she knows she knows she knows she knows. She knows all she has to do is snap her fingers and you will come running like an anxious puppy dog. As long as she knows that then you are PLAN B. You've got to DETACH!
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After BD if you just start BDing doesn’t that just make it look like your accepting that your M is over?
No. Do you read Sandi's rules every day? They are all about lovingly detaching- giving your W time and space without being cold/ rude/ indifferent.
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Like she sees that I’m just being comfortable without her so it makes it EASIER for her to leave
I promise you, she knows how desperate and needy you are right now. You may be trying to hide it but it shows. You can only hope she thinks you are OK with her leaving because THAT would make her worry that she's lost her Plan B.
That is what I’ve been looking for. I really want to understand what makes DBing work. The thought processes involved
It’s a science. And if I understand how it works it will be easier to implement. I have never liked following things without a firm backing behind them
This is not a science. This is an art. Too many variables involved in all this for science. Plus if you look at it as science you may be tempted to do trial and error testing. That doesn't work. You can get two different answers 5 minutes apart. The WAS/WS is as confused as you are.
Originally Posted by ozman
I feel like maybe I’m only half DBing. like I need to really just “move on” I guess?? Is it a “let her go” to get her back thing?
Is it normal for all your senses and emotions to kick AGAINST DBING hard? like really hard to where you feel in your GUT that your doing it wrong?
Yes, DBing is counter-intuitive. Read my threads you'll see I struggled with this as well.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It’s a science. And if I understand how it works it will be easier to implement.
IT IS A SCIENCE, not one that you will easily learn or understand or that I can easily explain the why behind it. However when I first arrived here I was sure that their must be a logical explanation for what I saw here.
So I set about getting my PHD in DB'ing/MLC
I read 30 books and took some online classes in genetics and psychology. Also for 60 years my mother had bipolar disease so I had a lot of experience dealing with that.
Let me say that normally what is going on is a depression that is set about with some sort of hormone change that occurs as life progresses. There might be a triggering event such as death/empty nest/sickness/pregnancy/or loss of the previous/ or some other event that I can not think of at the moment. In any event, hormones during many of these events are the OPPOSITE of what they were during other parts of life. Think what happens when a teenager gets hormones.
The point of all this is that no amount of begging, pleading, bargaining is going to change this. No magic wand or pills is going to FIX this. They might cover up the symptoms but they will not cure it. It will return and be even worse when it comes back. It is all science. Like trying to stop an avalanche and return it to the top of the hill. Not going to happen. Best to get out of the way and not get hit by the snow that is going to come down the hill because of gravity.
It is scientifically based (see Cadet's post), but it is an art in implementing it. (Thus my comments above.)
In other words, you cannot say "If I do A, B will happen." Because in reality if you do A, then B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, or a combination of some of them, COULD happen.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hmm. I’m still confused about how specifically doing the things that hurt our M in the first place will help now. I know it’s counterintuitive but really?
“Wow he’s kinda doing his own thing like he’s always done which really made me angry and hurt but now it makes me attracted to him”
I can’t wrap my head around this at all!!
I’m sorry I’m not grasping this. I’m really struggling
Hmm. I’m still confused about how specifically doing the things that hurt our M in the first place will help now. I know it’s counterintuitive but really?
“Wow he’s kinda doing his own thing like he’s always done which really made me angry and hurt but now it makes me attracted to him”
I can’t wrap my head around this at all!!
I’m sorry I’m not grasping this. I’m really struggling
Think of it like this:
On BD the WAS is essentially saying, "I am done with you. You annoy me. I don't like you. I might even hate you. Leave me alone. Go away."
Most LBSs respond to that by becoming clingy, trying to spend as much time with the WAS as possible. Now, think back in your life to when you were annoyed by someone. Did you want them around you?
You see, when you force yourself on someone that doesn't want to be around you, you just further cement the fact that they don't like you. You even remind them of it!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. There are people in my past that annoyed me and I didn't like much near the end of our friendship, that now I look on fondly, and romanticize how great our friendship really was. That isn't just a saying, it is a real thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Did you go back and read my BD? Cause that’s kinda the way her ILYBUNILWY sounded. I’m pretty confident there is not an A right now. She is just miserable. Maybe MLC. I say that cause she says she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life.
Also I worked on being quieter and more on my own at home and she started following me around a bit more. Positive sign?
Did you go back and read my BD? Cause that’s kinda the way her ILYBUNILWY sounded. I’m pretty confident there is not an A right now. She is just miserable. Maybe MLC. I say that cause she says she doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life.
Also I worked on being quieter and more on my own at home and she started following me around a bit more. Positive sign?
I would really resist the temptation to gauge everything she does whether it is positive or negative. Because next week if she stops following you around then you will spiral thinking it isn't working. This is a marathon NOT a sprint.
I will say that my W behaved similarly once i started getting good with the detachment. It was like her curiosity about what was going on with me was amped way up. Curiosity is a good thing. But remember, have zero expectations and do not read anything into it.
Now if she keeps following you around for the next 6 months, then maybe you have something.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
