I doubt it. She sat on it for a while trying to figure out what she wanted and then was forced to make a decision. You pressured her. She made a decision.
Its not about finances. Back off on the pressure bud.
You have an immense need to know why and to fix it. I completely feel you on that; I do too. You can't fix her or your R until you have fixed YOU.
I'm gonna challenge you to something. Get off this board for 24 hours this weekend. Go do something else. Anything else. Don't come here, don't read, don't post. Leave your phone at home. Take a break. I'm not being rude or trying to send you away; it really helps to do something else and get your mind off this for a bit. I do it regularly, check out for a few days or even a week; it helps me to think about things other than my situation.
You are just spinning like crazy. Its not healthy; take a break brother. Rome wasn't built in a day, your M wasn't screwed up in a day, and you aren't going to fix it in a day. Or in a single conversation, interaction, or otherwise.
What is something that YOU like to do? Not what you think she wants you to do; what do YOU like to do?
Oz, did you even read this post by LB? I think you need to read it several times. In fact I think you need to go back and read most of our advice to you several times. You are asking the same questions over and over, and you are getting some great replies, and it appears you are just cherry picking what you what. I strongly believe that is why you keep coming back and panicking, spinning and saying “I don’t get it!”
Let’s all take a moment and think about how we can help Oz. We are all saying similar things but bombarding him with advice and it is causing more spinning. I think it is also causing him to overlook the big picture. The big picture is so so important and is getting lost here. Oz, you are missing the main point here. Please, please challenge yourself if you want to make this M work.
You cannot trick her or manipulate her into seeing your changes if you have not actually changed! It’s has only been a short time. You have not changed! Change takes time and consistency and then more time and patience. That is the part you don’t get. You are looking for a million shortcuts and advice on how to get her to stay and surely it will not stick unless YOU make the changes!!! Let that be your goals.
You need to stop posting every couple minutes with every freak out moment and start working on being the type of man that is confident, strong and independent. What type of man does your W want to be married to? Because you cannot fake it and hope she will notice. Life doesn’t work that way!
How can you start becoming THAT man? How can we support you in doing that?
Guys, how can WE all help him stay on course with some real goals that will help him get real results? I want to challenge all of you advising Oz too — how can we all work together to send him a clear and consistent message that will help him? Can we all do that together and get him on track?
Blu
Last edited by BluWave; 06/28/1905:13 PM.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Guys, how can WE all help him stay on course with some real goals that will help him get real results? I want to challenge all of you advising Oz too — how can we all work together to send him a clear and consistent message that will help him? Can we all do that together and get him on track?
I believe the best thing each of us can do is give him our opinion on what we believe is his best choice. He will have to evaluate all of these different ideas and make a decision, then live with consequences of that decision.
Things are not black and or white. Most of us come her thinking there is only one way to do something. Then we learn there are too many other choices. Sometime we get parallelized by the choices.
Oz needs to identify new ways of interacting, try them and monitor for results.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I fix things. I’m autistic. I’m a mechanic. It’s what I do. Patience is not my strong suit.
I’m Sorry about all the posting. It’s just I can tell that I’m not doing things right at home. So I want to get it straight. When I say I don’t get it. I really mean that.
I’m still confused on what in the DR book applies to me. Most of it seems like marriage repair after both parties agree or one person has left. It doesn’t say much about my particular sitch.
I’m still trying to figure out how to interact with her on a minute by minute basis
If I’m quiet and don’t start the convo she starts asking what’s wrong. She doesn’t believe me when I say nothing
I can also tell that my DBing is just making her think that I’m sticking my head in the sand and pretending everything is alright. Which she hates.
I’ve basically DB every time she has talked about leaving after I plead and beg. It’s very obvious at home she thinks I’m just trying the same old crap. Thats why I think it’s not working. She thinks I’m just pretending everything is fine. Which at its core is what DBing seems to be right?
And I’ll quit posting.
I’m just trying to get my gears lined up so when I take action. It’s the right action
