I'm a little confused by most of these points ? Apart from point (6) to me they look way too much like you are still way too attached. Nothing you have tried so far has worked, yet you have spent time and effort listing ( in my eyes ) listing items that will probably make no difference / are pursuit... Time and effort that could have been used on GAL, time with the kids etc.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Letting her know we won't be friends--I have been wanting to say this to my wife as well, but I didn't know if it is part of DBing. I see know way that I could be friends with someone who abandons me. There is no way I could envision myself being friends after the pain she has put me through. Do you think I should tell her this? If so, how would you say it?
The reason why I want to say this to her is to tell her that there will be consequences to her walking away. I would hope that this knowledge could convince her to work hard to fix our marriage, because otherwise their will be consequences and these consequences will negatively affect her, me and especially our kids.
Letting her know we won't be friends--I have been wanting to say this to my wife as well, but I didn't know if it is part of DBing. I see know way that I could be friends with someone who abandons me. There is no way I could envision myself being friends after the pain she has put me through. Do you think I should tell her this? If so, how would you say it?
The reason why I want to say this to her is to tell her that there will be consequences to her walking away. I would hope that this knowledge could convince her to work hard to fix our marriage, because otherwise their will be consequences and these consequences will negatively affect her, me and especially our kids.
That is unfortunately not their mindset or narrative. Their narrative usually is "I am doing this because I don't know who I am, I want to get away from you, I am repulsed by you, its all your fault I feel this way, I'm doing this for the kids, and to save myself, I want to be single, I want to be free, I want to be independent, you are of no use to me anymore, IANILWYA,I want to see other men, I want to explore life, I want to take care of and love myself first, I want to pursue my worldly selfish passions, and delude myself that it is not selfish to put myself first,I want to start over, etc, etc..." It is a spirit of rebellion, lies, deception, and lack of commitment to even themselvesIMO, and they will never admit it until they fall years and years later as a result of their poor choices, deluded thinking, whimsical desires, and subjective feelings without solid values or principles.
Letting her know we won't be friends--I have been wanting to say this to my wife as well, but I didn't know if it is part of DBing. I see know way that I could be friends with someone who abandons me. There is no way I could envision myself being friends after the pain she has put me through. Do you think I should tell her this? If so, how would you say it?
The reason why I want to say this to her is to tell her that there will be consequences to her walking away. I would hope that this knowledge could convince her to work hard to fix our marriage, because otherwise their will be consequences and these consequences will negatively affect her, me and especially our kids.
Words are wind, and the only good wind is that which fills our sails.
Think again my friend.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
That is the best post I have read on these forums. You sound like you have done your homework. You understand many of your best options. You may understand the pro's and con's of each.
When you decide what you want to do, make your choice and live with the consequences of that choice. Just understand that timing is important for any of the choices. Some of them might be too late, others too early. Only you can truly determine this.
Thanks R2C!! I take a lot of pride in your acknowledgment.
Let’s call that post part 1, part 2 will include scripts for the possible confrontation that gives her the choice.
I don’t post too often, but I’ve been visiting the forums almost daily for over 6 months. A great deal of my time was spent reading archives and stumbling upon other members with similar sitches. This had a cascading effect of linking to more members either by chance, signature line details, or curiosity based on their posts in other LBS threads. I have various script excerpts that I’m sifting through and tailoring for my sitch. I should have been more diligent when reading through each members story. My notes are a bit scattered at the moment. I would have liked to better document which were successful and the timing of taking action.
I am very analytical in nature and gather a lot of relevant data and information on the subject matter so that I can make informed decisions when trying to solve problems. I must admit that the DB principles were new to me and not so logical as I didn’t comprehend the mindset of a WW. Moreover, I really had never invested much time or energy to study what is required for a healthy and fulfilling relationship or marriage. From my perspective, that part of my life just came naturally and didn’t seem to be approaching a crisis. I was blindsided by BD which shows my naivety and disconnect with my W’s feelings. So, yes, I have spent an inordinate amount of time here in the background, but I think that speaks to the value and importance I place on my W, MR, and family.
Excellent advice to take time to consider these options and stand by my decision. Navigating to find the right time is key. I may step back for a while to focus on GAL and more patience, time, and space.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by LH19
If you choose 1 or 2 please put a jock strap on first.
I was thinking a cup actually. Flame retardant.
LH and AS, yeah jock strap doesn’t offer enough protection, need to add the cup.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
W: Do you think this 2/3/2 schedule is too difficult for kids (and us). For example the socks this morning, camp shirts... S8’s I cannot find, and just the back and forth.
I thought she was going to push for each of us keeping the kids for a full week and I was going to respond as follows.
H: Any back and forth is hard on all of us. I want what is best for the kids.
Then she texted again.
W: And...there is something, won't talk about so please don't ask, that has revealed to me my inability to be a decent human being. I can still help as needed but wondering if for now...if better that kids have limited exposure to me.
Haven’t responded to anything yet.
Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16 PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18 PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19 R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20 W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
curtis, jump at this. It is in the kid's best interest to have a stable environment. Sounds like she is unwilling or unable to provide that. So take full custody (document this!) and put your kids first.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W: And...there is something, won't talk about so please don't ask, that has revealed to me my inability to be a decent human being. I can still help as needed but wondering if for now...if better that kids have limited exposure to me.
Curtis, are you OK with full custody? If so then you might reply with something like "W, if you are asking if I am willing to take full custody then yes I will. I think we need to draw this up and both sign it as an agreement just so there's no confusion going forward. Please let me know what you are proposing as far as your visitation." Then like Steve said, DOCUMENT it all. Whether your W knows it or not, this will mean EVERYTHING to the court in the D. If you have a written agreement and she changes her mind later, but you can produce the the above text she wrote you plus the written agreement, then she's toast. DO NOT tell her you are saving all this, let her implicate herself and just quietly take screen shots and such to document it. I don't remember if you have a L but if not, you may want to retain one to get prepared.
