Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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Hello all. I am an old timer....11 years post bomb drop. Man, how did that happen?LOL!

I haven't posted in a while and I am not sure what prompted me to post today, but here goes.

You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.

But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.

I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?

So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.

Until one day....I didn't.

And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.

It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .

I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.

You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.

The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be
growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.

Leave them to their journey. You walk yours.

You wont die from this. You will be reborn.

[Ready2Change]

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She decided to start some R talk once we were done with the kid discussion. I didn’t ask questions, just listened and validated her feelings. There was less blame and finger pointing so that was good. She talked for about an hour. Dinner was ready, so it was time for me to go. She kept asking me if I had something I wanted to say. I simply said I’m here to listen. Before I left she said that when she is ready to hear my feelings she will let me know. I’m good with that.

I had never listened that intently to her before. Eye contact, repeating portions of what she said, etc. At one point she asked why I was looking at her like I would have a couple years ago. I had read that one can reduce defensiveness by remembering a good time from the past during a tough discussion. So that’s what I did.

I was happy with how I handled it. No arguing, just an hour of validation.

[Ready2Change]

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I’ve got news for you, this has been going on for thousands and thousands of years. Women leaving betas looking for alphas. Google “hypergamy”.

That’s why leaving the house at the first sign of trouble was a bad move. Women are hard wired to look for strength and protection. First sign of trouble you fled from the home. Now she thinks you can’t protect her.

Not just attacking you I did it too. Learned and moved back in. Refused to give up the house in D. Best move I ever made. My posts are always my opinion on what I know now so other people don’t make the same mistakes.

[Ready2Change]

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I have moments from time to time where I think "is this really happening?" I am thinking that as I type this. And now I have a smile on my face as I say "yes it is really happening, this is real life". Smiling not because it's a happy thing, but because smiling makes me feel better. And despite my sitch I do have a pretty great life and a lot to be very happy about. And I am ALIVE and get to experience life, whereas I have some good friends who are not alive anymore. I believe they would trade places with me if they could.

Life is beautiful and W cannot change that for me, she does not dictate my happiness. I am going to continue to enjoy everything that life offers, navigate shytty times like this with as much grace and calm as possible, keep my eye on the bigger picture, and continue to work on self-improvement and being a better man, father, son, brother, nephew, cousin, friend, employee and relationship partner. This is my life, I don't believe in reincarnation so this is my one shot at living on Earth, I will not waste any precious time letting W or the D bring me down. The future is wide open.

[Ready2Change]

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You should be doing something that gets you out of the house.

Go for a walk. Go sit at the beach and smell the air. Go to a park and read some DR. Breathe in deeply. Exhale slowly. Volunteer an hour at the humane society. Volunteer at a homeless kitchen. Volunteer at the local food bank. Go to church and speak with a minister. Total cost. $0.

Make a plan to do something with friends over the weekend for a couple hours.

Do ONE THING this weekend that YOU want to do. Not what you think she wants you to do. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Don't go on a drinking binge. Don't start a relationship talk.

[Ready2Change]

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But I don’t even know why she is unhappy!!! Shouldn’t I ask her?!?

Do you like getting kicked in jewels?

If so, ask away. But trust me, that conversation WILL not go the way you want it to.

WASs will rewrite the entire history of your relationship. Something like:

"I never loved you. I was never happy. Even when we were dating. I just thought you were a good guy and that I could learn to be happy and love you. For all X years we were together I tried, and I am just done trying. I don't want to argue about it. I do not want to discuss it. I do not want to give you false hope. I just want to D, and go our separate ways."

We've all heard a variation of that.

My advice, let it lie, take our advice and pull back, give her space. No pursuit. No pressure. GAL, Detach. 180.

Become the best you can be, not for her....for you.

[Ready2Change]

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Time is fascinating to think about and talk about because while time has passed (the past), there is still more time (the future) that has not yet happened. The known verses the unknown. While everything we do (our actions, thoughts, feelings, ideas) influences and thus creates the future, there is still no way to know what will ultimately happen. It is also impossible to predict the outcome or what our perception of it will be when it happens.

This is important for all of us, and particularity important in piecing, because we are going in on a leap of faith. We are trusting that if we keep choosing to work on our M, that over time, we will feel better about it. One thing to know is that when our S comes back to us, there is this initial wave/flood of relief and positive emotions, however they do not remain that way. There are so many other challenging things that can get in the way of the process. In order to stick it out, we have to believe that in time over the months (or in my case years), it will get better.

We cannot control the time that has passed but we can control the way we move into the future and how we influence it. That is something I have been reminded of recently and that I posted about in my own thread. The way I think about my H, my M, and how we interact definitely molds and shapes the outcome. When I was DBing, I didn't feel as if I had control. I actually did; I couldn't control him or if he came back, but I could control how I took care of myself and how I allowed him to treat me. I also can control the way I move froward now. I can't ever be 100% certain, but I can believe.

I am finding that I can move forward in a more positive way, if I allow more positive thinking. I cannot let triggers or negative thoughts control my emotions. I can see what is in front of me and accept my reality. I can choose to be loving, kind, patient and forgiving. I can also trust the process that this may actually work out. By allowing that trust in, over time, I am far more likely to have success. And if I don't have success, I am more likely to feel better about the failure because I will feel better about my efforts.

Most importantly, I have to trust that time really does heal all wounds.

[Ready2Change]

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If she wants to cling to the notion that you gave her some kind of promise, then politely remind her she promised to stick with you "until death do us part."

She can't violate the biggest marital agreement of all and expect to hold you to a secondary marital agreement.

If she asks, just remind her that that was pre-marriage and is not subject to division. If she rants and raves and complains then just listen and validate. "I understand this must be very difficult for you."

[Ready2Change]

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I'm gonna challenge you to something. Get off this board for 24 hours this weekend. Go do something else. Anything else. Don't come here, don't read, don't post. Leave your phone at home. Take a break. I'm not being rude or trying to send you away; it really helps to do something else and get your mind off this for a bit. I do it regularly, check out for a few days or even a week; it helps me to think about things other than my situation.

You are just spinning like crazy. Its not healthy; take a break brother. Rome wasn't built in a day, your M wasn't screwed up in a day, and you aren't going to fix it in a day. Or in a single conversation, interaction, or otherwise.

What is something that YOU like to do? Not what you think she wants you to do; what do YOU like to do?

[Ready2Change]

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I have always wanted a motorcycle, but my W would be so pissed. She thinks they are so dangerous, and it is irresponsible since we have kids.

Take a safety course. That is a responsible thing to do.

W would be pissed. Sounds like a tough thing for her to deal with. Must be so frustrating for her.

If you want one and can afford it, buy it. Validation at it's best!