Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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No more whiny posts from you about your spouse. Start posting your GAL activities, goals, plans for the future, how you're improving your relationships with your children.

[Ready2Change]

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My thoughts on communications:

- Assume any and all comms are being documented. Especially anything in writing (text, e-mail, letters). Calls may be recorded for quality assurance purposes =)
- Assume anything you say will be twisted and distorted. Do not get upset or triggered by this. You have no control over it.
- Text message is the single worst form of communication. Any type of communication that requires a back-and-forth exchange should be done over e-mail or voice.

I also think it is wise to keep a journal. Facts only. Dates, times, events, what was said, what was done. Unfortunately I am guilty of dropping the ball on this myself the last few weeks. I need to get back on it.

When I feel like communicating something to my wife via text or e-mail:

- STOP. Don't take the bait. Don't let the trigger start a chain reaction.
- Understand that I tend to be overly wordy, give explanations, justify, defend, etc.
- Think about what the vets at DB forums would say.
- Think about what is true to my own values.
- Breathe.
- Calm down.
- Wait an arbitrary amount of time.
- NOW... craft a response.
- Take that response, and cut out 90% of the words. Remove anything that involves reasoning, logic, explaining, etc.
- Re-read response, loop back to step #2 above. Repeat loop 3 times.
- Add a simple "Hi W" to make it sound more friendly.
- Hit SEND.

Our MC had some good points about why text communication is so awful:

- On the screen it looks like a back-and-forth conversation. In reality, often both parties are typing furiously responding to something said 3 texts prior.
- No ability to read facial expressions or gestures.
- No ability to hear inflection of voice or tone.
- Mind-reading takes over.
- There tends to be no conversation, it often becomes 2 parties spouting their POV into an empty void and the other party not listening.

Think about listening and validating... it works because you maintain eye contact, have a calm demeanor, etc. None of those things are possible over text. So easy to assume the worst about the other person.

I always end the email with

Regards,

R2C

[Ready2Change]

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I'm not pushing a D right now, even though I've wanted to do so repeatedly the past 3 months. I realized the only reason i wanted to push it was to try and get a reaction from her to wake her up. I'm not ready to just go push it through because i still believe we can have MR2.0. She has literally done nothing to move forward with D. I struggle with the concept of just pushing it through, probably because it isn't what I want. One thing that has hit me recently with the saying "believe nothing they say" can be applied to things in a positive way for my mindset to get through this too.

Example: She says "there is no future for us, I never loved you, and we are best just parting ways forever" I'm just putting it in the file of 'believe nothing she says' because i don't believe that stuff just as I would if she told me I'm worthless and a failure at everything I've every tried. I don't really believe anything she says anyway, but I was choosing to believe things she did say that benefited my situation and then she would yank the rug out from under me.

[Ready2Change]

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What's the detachment key to stop worry about what (or who) she might be doin' this weekend away???

For me the key to finally being free of all the worry was to assume the worst. She's probably having an A, the signs point to it, so you can either expend a ton of energy and mental health trying to figure it out if it's happening and where and how often and with who, or you can assume the worst and decide for yourself what that means to you. My XW had an OM and I didn't know (and in fact to this day still don't know) how far it went, but once I started assuming the worst then I quit worrying about it and got about the business of detaching and letting go. It worked really well for me. Because when it comes down to it, they ALL engage in some type of affair even if it's imaginary. ALL affairs mean the same thing- they are DONE. And that's the message the LBS has to learn and understand before they can finally let go. And paradoxically, before their M has a chance to turn around.

[Ready2Change]

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What you should be doing is enjoying this beautiful weather we have in town right now. GAL GAL GAL!!!! When I didn't know what else to do I'd go to Main St in St Charles and run and run and run and look at the pretty river and pretty girls and read a book and get good food and just soak up life.

[Ready2Change]

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A conversation I had backpacking with my partner.

Me, stops to enjoy the sound of a waterfall.
Her, wants to continue
Her: You always choose the pace. I feel like you're controlling us, you're holding the trip hostage.
Me: You're free to go ahead. I'll catch up. I control me. You control you.
Her: But I want to hike with you.
Me: I gotta do me. You gotta do you.

This simultaneously asserted my control over me while making no attempts to control her.

[Ready2Change]

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As far as "keeping the way home paved and smooth", that doesn't mean to be her bestie. It doesn't mean be out there paving and repaving and paving again every day, what it means is you don't set up any roadblocks and you don't dig any potholes. See the difference? You're not actively trying to pursue or pull her back in, but you're also not doing anything to sabotage a future recon. Don't be mean, don't pick fights, don't be catty, don't talk to her friends and relatives about how "crazy" she is. Just live your life and let her live hers. Most recons I've seen come after a long, quiet period of little to no interaction.

The message is coming in loud and clear, better that she feel the loss rather than enjoy the benefits without investing.

[Ready2Change]

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I looked for remorse and a sign from my husband that he was strong and prepared to roll up his sleeves and fight for the marriage. Helping me divorce / separate would not have done that. Instead he ran away and looked oh so weak. His continued weakness in the face of adversity was what ended our marriage.

[Ready2Change]

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I'm going to press you a little harder on something, and I hope you don't take it as some sort of a judgmental attitude, because it's not. Your W is giving you a gift - she may never trust you or accept you back. This is the time in your life to pull yourself together and address all of your baggage. I'm not saying take her at her word for all your flaws, but also don't dismiss everything as "just an issue with the porn."

There are two levels to addressing your issues. One way is the surface way. Stop with the porn. Go to IC. OK. You are doing this. You could move on with your life.

The second way is deeper. Can you connect this to underlying issues, maybe from your childhood? Can you really feel it deep down and understand how you absolutely have to change, not for your W, but for your own happiness. Can you get to a point where you can have 2 coexisting and conflicting thoughts in your head:

1. My W may have overblown her accusations.
2. I have issues which drove my behavior, and if I don't address them at their core, I will be leaving happiness on the table.

When you make deep and lasting change, it becomes evident to other people. It may become evident to your W. Through consistent actions and integrity, you will have opportunities to earn back her trust. There is no guarantee this will happen. But it will be 10000 times more effective than a letter.

This stuff is a mess. You have to balance a lot of questions. You want to take your W's input seriously, and not minimize it, but also stand firmly with your core values. This is not easy.

[Ready2Change]

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WAS's often feel like their LBS has been controlling and manipulative. Telling her to move out is a huge controlling move, so it just bolsters her case that you are controlling. Giving her time and space means letting HER make ALL the decisions about her life. You have to SHOW her that you are not caging her in and trying to control everything.