I am definitely in "fight or flight" mode. "Flight" = I should file for divorce. "Fight" = Squabbling over things like spending money. I should be ignoring any tendency to fight or fly.
What are my short-term goals? Time with my kids, and self-improvement. Money doesn't matter, reconciliation doesn't matter, whether my W is angry or happy or sad or upset doesn't matter.
- I am not going to provide a "safety plan". - I am going to start a simple "parenting plan" with a few bullet points we both agree upon. - If my W balks or refuses to let me see the kids, we will address in the next MC session. - In the next MC session, I will make clear that I do not believe I am unsafe. Period.
I have been allowing my W drive this narrative that I am an unsafe person, and it is making me miserable, scared, and unhappy. I wrote the over-the-top apology letters in April trying to fix my marriage, and they only cemented these thoughts in her mind.
I am letting fear dictate my actions. In this case, fear that if I don't comply I will lose access to my kids. The more I let this fear control me, the worse my situation will get.
Yes, I can improve as a father and a person. I can learn better emotional regulation, who can't? Simultaneously, I am not an unsafe person. There is a boundary there.
- Veer too far in one direction and I am being gaslit. - Veer too far in the other direction and I am not working on myself and learning from experiences.
And I have a backseat driver yanking the steering wheel hard in one direction.
What are my short-term goals? Time with my kids, and self-improvement. Money doesn't matter, reconciliation doesn't matter, whether my W is angry or happy or sad or upset doesn't matter.
This is good Unichen. Now ask yourself how moving out of the house and having an S that puts you in extended limbo helps with this.
Originally Posted by unchien
- I am not going to provide a "safety plan".
Don't you think the S is a safety plan that gives her time to plan her next move?
Originally Posted by LB55
Originally Posted by unchien
It is tricky.
And I have a backseat driver yanking the steering wheel hard in one direction.
Stop the car. open door. Exit car. Problem Solved!
^^^^^This, especially step 1. Stop the car. You are driving all over the place and allowing the backseat driver to steer. Stop the car, think about where you want to go, set boundaries with the backseat driver and then start driving.
Yes it is tough for the backseat driver to drive the car when the car is parked.
Nothing to do with a 'safety plan' but everything to do with controlling what you can control.
Set the boundary that works for you. I can't tell you what that is. You are tired of being out of control and being backseat driven. So stop the car, get out, gather your thoughts, and don't start again until you're ready to have a boundary that doesn't allow backseat driving.
My W demanded a similar safety plan to have me spend unsupervised time with the kids. I never even acknowledged the text message. I didn't say no, I didn't counter offer, I didn't tell her why it was wrong or that i felt controlled. I never replied. She has never asked again. I am demonstrating my plan by my interactions with the kids and am letting them tell her how awesome time is with me.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
LB55 - yeah my W cornered me in MC asking for this safety plan in order to feel okay having me watch the kids overnight. I said okay at the time thinking no big deal. Obviously in hindsight a mistake.
I will not be giving her a safety plan but given I had agreed to give her something I think ignoring it would be passive aggressive. I feel I need a more assertive approach. Perhaps
- state in MC that I will not provide this plan
Or
- offer a more generic parenting plan that we both agree to
I’m feeling extremely idiotic for letting things get to this place
I would tell her straight up in MC that you will not be providing a plan and you will not move out of the house unless she agrees to a 50/50 arrangement. I still don't agree you moving out but if you say so...………...
