Midlife wife crisis8

[Ready2Change]

IH that was a little to religious for me. I’m sorry I just don’t follow all of that.

Old me would have said the exact same thing.

Read his post again. Take out the "religion". Translate into good choices/ bad choices and natural consequences. Or temptation. Whatever. It is a good skill to have to be able to interpret what someone else is saying.

[IHCLACS]

IH that was a little to religious for me. I’m sorry I just don’t follow all of that. I am catholic but didn’t follow what you were putting down. I have prayed for 11 months for this to be fixed and I’m still In The same position.

I am Catholic too. Non practicing at moment but still attending Catholic Church on occaision. Actually Wolf this has little to do with religion, and everything to do with waywardness, spirit of independence, lack of obedience, and sin. What I am trying to say is, here on earth and in DB we focus on the natural. Natural consequences natural choice, natural ways, worldly ways, and focus on it. Yes it is Secular, yes we understand and utilize human wisdom all through out the ages. Yes it serves a purpose for recognition, good and bad. They are actually along the same parallel of natural consequences and spiritual consequences. But then we sit here and wonder? Why do we suffer? Why does our closest
person in the world betray us? Why is our lives not secured and what and whom is it secured in? The world? Nature? Fleeting contentment? Why are our spouses striving torwards Waywardness, Independence and rebellion? . Why won't they see or their pride, their stubbornness, their waywardness, and their rebellion. Or some of our own for that matter. Then we sit here and we wonder "Why everything and everyone is broken." Including ourselves. God is not going to fix this for us, and if he is, its only going to be in his own time, in his own way, that glorifies him and not ourselves, but him through us. We struggle with our nature. With others nature. We want to change but fall short from our own understanding, and our own efforts. I guess ultimately what I am trying to say is. Its going to take a lot of repentance, and a lot of following his ways instead of man's for ourselves or our spouses to ever have enough remorse to change and reconcile, the way he has reconciled us to him through obedience and Jesus Christ, all due to legalism, pride, lust, arrogance, attachment, independence, and rebellion. This has just been recently revealed to me and where my thoughts are. Just sharing them to see if anyone else is open to it, and if it helps?

[Wolfman]

IH a lot of that makes more sense to me. Why is she so stubborn? Why is she rebelling against the marriage? I wish god could step in and fix this. Unfortunately she has made up her mind and there is nothing I can do to change it. It has been almost a year of us being separated, and she has only moved more towards divorce. I still hurts so bad to see it head down this road. The thing for me is when we talk everything is fine. No fights or arguments anymore. In my mind it’s like see we can make this work. I know in her mind it must be something else. On Sunday we go away for a week, my son has a hip hop competition down in Virginia Beach.

She emailed the lawyers today what was going on with the paperwork. I wish I was as lucky as Steve where she changed her mind. I feel like to time and space gave her that. To help her feel that this is the right thing for her to do. Hopefully one day I will be over this pain and help others out. I want nothing more to give my w a hug and say we can do this. She is not there and never will be. She has changed so much, all she cares about is going out and partying. Form a woman who was all about family and having to do everything together to her loving being away from me and the kids. A year later and I still cry!! A year later and I still hurt like the first day we separated. Sorry for the ramble, I’m just in a lot of pain.
I wish my w was like Sandi and came back or Steve’s wife!!!

[LH19]

W,

Look man I know your hurting I am really sorry. I think once you get into your new home things will start to look for you.

What really concerns me is you’re not going to learn anything from this and it will happen to you again. Steve didn’t get lucky he DB like a champion. You left your home against DB advice and then have the nerve to say time and space caused her to push for D.

Again we’ve told you are thinking logically. We get along we don’t fight we should stay to together. She’s thinking emotionally. I don’t have feelings for him they will never come back and I’m just not happy.

Wolf as I have said before she has to choose to be with you and for that to happen she has to respect you. Respect is earned not given. What have you done in the last year to earn her respect?

[neffer]

Just sending you a big hug man. Keep strong there, keep DB!

(((Wolf)))

[Ready2Change]

How is the new shampoo?


What are you doing this holiday?


Consider this:

Wake up early and go for walk and watch the sun rise. Listen to the birds. Go to a diner for breakfast. Enjoy interacting with the hostess and waitress and busboy...make them laugh. Be in the moment all day.

[Wolfman]

LH I understand that was a mistake leaving my home. For me it helped with my sanity. I guess I had to choose between DB and my own sanity. Leaving the home was not right for DB but it was right for my mental health. I guess I had to make a choice at that moment. I choose my mental health. It also helped me to detach. Being in the home with her all the time was just too hard for me to handle. Sorry, maybe I am not as mentally strong as some on here, but that is just how I am. You know what LH, maybe, just maybe this will be better for me long term. Just like she only focused on the negative I only focused on the positive. And I have been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching and there were many things I was not happy with in my marriage. Since I have started to let go of the past I feel more free and ready for my future. I will say I am not 100% ready I still have my moments of depression. If they are getting less and less. My GAL has helped me with that. LH I will say I have learned a lot from this, even though you think I haven’t I have!!

Better thank you for the hugs, I needed that!!

R2C I am trying harder to get up early to go to the gym. I went to DD the other day and had a coffee by myself which I wouldn’t have done a few months ago. I played baseball last night and picked 6 innings. Took my kids to a colleagues house for the day and had a great time!!! So I am certainly trying little by little. I am trying to live in the moment. It’s hard but I am getting there.

[Destroyd]

Great job, Wolf. I suck at this DBing too, but I am persevering. I will get better. I will DETACH. I will GAL. I will become AMOAFWL. In fact, except for my weight, I think I am already AMOAFWL. I keep exercising, and I need to keep losing weight. That is one of my primary goals. I want my W to know that I will be able to pick up a hottie if she ever leaves me. LOL

[Wolfman]

It is a rough day. I guess because I am not with the kids. Or last year we were all at a 4th party together having a grand old time together. My past memories are what keep haunting me. Thinking what was she feeling last year at this time? Because it didn’t look like she was unhappy, disgusted or even thinking of divorce. I remember watching the fireworks with my arm around her. This roller coaster of emotions [censored]!!!

I went to the house this morning to bring them bagels, this way I could spend some time with the kids. W was in such a pissy mood. My d didn’t want to go to the beach. She was feeling down. So my w was annoyed with her. But because my w is in super selfish mode she really didn’t ask my d what was the matter. I knew what was wrong right away. After my wnattacked about what was wrong. I said to my w, “you really don’t know what’s bothering her?” She said I have no idea. I said it was the last time my d played with our friends daughter before she drowned (she didn’t die, but is basically a vegetable). As soon as I said that the tears started to roll down my d’s face. And my w being so insensitive says to my d, you have to move on and get over it. W says look that was a tragedy and they are still going out today so you need to move on. I told my d it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to cry. I told her to let those emotions out and you will feel better. Again this just proves where my w’s head is at!!! No empathy for my daughter, no feelings of what was a year ago, all my wife cared about was that she was going to be late meeting up with friends, not that my daughter was having a rough time. Or that my kids hate the beach and was taking them anyway because a friend asked her to go. If it was the other way around and I was taking the kids to the beach, she would have made a comment like why are you taking them there, they don’t like the beach.

I wonder if my w will ever look back years from now and realize just how selfish she is acting and how cold she was to everyone? Who has this woman become???

[IHCLACS]

OMG Wolf! I cannot believe your W cannot empathize or recall an event like that. That sounds so sociopathic, and sad for everyone involved, you, your daughter, W, and D friend. How can you not at least empathise with that first, and then subtly segway into moving on. Talk about invalidating your D feelings!!!

As far as the selfishness goes. For 10 months ive been trying to figure this out. Logically, hormonally, psychologicaly, and spiritually. The only thing I can come up with from my own sich, is some people who felt like they were the care takers for years from child hood into adult hood. They caught a glimpse of someone close to them dying, or getting sick, and said to themselves, I'm going to put me first above all else, no matter what the cost, and I am going to do whatever feels good or right that justifies my actions. Hence the MLC. Their attitude is Life is short, everybody gets there's, I've given too much of myself away. Nobody appreciated it, it was all on me, why shouldn't I get mine. And they seek out all their wordly pleasures. Affairs, pampering, new clothes, new friends, new hobbies, careers, lifestyles, etc, then they look at all the bad, remember little of the good, and go on a train wreck crash course. (Or so we think. They think they are just putting themselves first, and "standing up for themselves. " for once) some of it's relating to coping skills.

Childhood trauma. Dynamics family Dynamics previous parenting on how they were raised. It all gets blamed on my father was an alcoholic or he was emotionally unavailable or my mother was borderline or all this other crap. You can seek out all the answers you want in Psychology and biology and make yourself crazy like I did for 10 months. Don't get me wrong it's all useful information for knowing what some of the real issues are. All the stuff posted here by John Gottman and Robert Glover, all the books on these crisis's they are all helpful. But truthfully trying to ingest all this information for me even though I get it. To me its human wisdom. It serves purpose but it is not simple. I think it's a spirit of rebellion. The simple way for me to deal with this is that the spirit of rebellion and Satan's using his lies and deceit and deception to divide families and Gods order and biblical wisdom since the beginning. If I have to go crazy following handbook Manual of how to be an alpha and do XYZ and act like ABC, and all kind of Behavioral BS, although useful it's just too complex for anyone to fully take in. it's more suffering but it's simpler for me to just put my faith and trust in the Lord, and give it up to him before I have a mental breakdown.

Everytime I come back here to this form wanting to help and empathize with everyone here, I keep having to remind myself that I'm turning to man's Wisdom and not God's. That's why I'm stuck between the spiritual and the natural because in this world what we know is what we can see and everything is natural but it's also full of sin. I know this but that doesn't mean that I live it. But to also ignore it would be foolish. I guess that's where faith and trust comes in. If God and Jesus are going to make me a fool, then I guess it's going to be for my own greater good, whatever that may be in glory to him. I dunno? I have to keep reminding myself that my anger is coming from Satan too, and I have to process it, and let it go, then reject it. Jesus Christ was rejected by the Pharisees, The San Hedrin, and his own people and not everybody would hear or listen to him either and he was perfect.

Ill pray for you Wolfie. And everyone else on here as well. I don't know what good it's going to do but while I got to lose?

I hope you guys are having a good 4th with your kids.