So when you guys said get busy with stuff around the house and that’s what I did. Now I’m in trouble for it?
In trouble? ozman, this is your life. Your sitch. Do what you want. What we are trying to get you to see is that you aren't DBing well, and when you end up D'd you'll look back and say you should have DB'd better.
One of the attitudes I was trying to take while I was in my sitch was that I wanted to be able look back and have ZERO regrets. That is the gift that DBing gives you. Look at AnotherStander and others here who ended up D'd despite DBing. They can look back and say "I gave my WAS what they asked for, time and space. I backed off and didn't pressure or pursue. I let them make up their mind without constantly temp-checking and trying to gauge whether I scored points today or not."
All we can do is try to tell what gives you the best chance to get what you want (save you MR), but guarantees that you move on healthy and happy no matter what the outcome is. You are so laser-focused on trying to save your MR that you're sabotaging yourself. You've gotten a ton of great advice here, way more than most. You have the ideal sitch (where the WAS hasn't left the house yet so that you can get all of the benefits of GAL, detachment, and showing that your 180s are real and permanent). But you keep making excuses why you can't DB. "I have stuff I HAVE to do at home." "My W will resent me if I leave her home with my special needs child." "I was out of the house a lot before, so GAL can't work." "I have this problem and that problem which doesn't allow me to detach properly."
If you don't want to DB, don't. If you do, do. That is up to you. But if you post about being there and sorting through wedding pictures with her, and having setbacks due to financial discussions, do not expect us to not try to get you to see that you aren't doing yourself a favor by being around her 24/7.
You aren't in trouble because none of us here have the power to put you into trouble. We are trying to tell you what works and what doesn't work.
And I believe what I said was "Go out and GAL, but when you are at home BE BUSY WITH THINGS." As I said before you seem hear what you want to hear, and read what you want to read. Which may be part of your whole marital problem. Your W BD's you, essentially saying she needs time and space. You hear "I need you to be around me as much as possible." God gave you two ears and one mouth. He wants you to listen twice as much as a talk. Listening is a key to life.
oz, I do not try to help you to be mean. I am not telling you what you need to hear to bash you over the head. I want nothing more for you than to save your MR. But more importantly I want you to be ok no matter what your WAW decides. WAWs are flaky creatures. They you could do everything right starting right now and she could still leave. My concern is what happens to ozman in that circumstance. He needs to be OK no matter what, whether he remains married or gets D'd.
Did you read the link to the other thread I sent you a few posts back?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes I did. Where you told your W this will be the last christmas. I asked if I should have taken a similar approach with 4th of July.
What do I tell her when she gets angry at me for GAL. When she says “ see you haven’t changed, that’s just the same old crap”. Because I know that will happen. She doesn’t want me to be gone.
I’m not arguing. I’ve asked time and again. What do I do when GAL is a POLAR OPPOSITE of one of the biggest 180s I could do.
Which one wins 180 or GAL
And when she Ds me because I’m not home enough, because that is what’s showing her I’m changing, what are you going to tell me
If I GAL. It will prove to her I haven’t changed.
I’m not arguing, I’m not angry, I’m just confused.
Yes I did. Where you told your W this will be the last christmas. I asked if I should have taken a similar approach with 4th of July.
What do I tell her when she gets angry at me for GAL. When she says “ see you haven’t changed, that’s just the same old crap”. Because I know that will happen. She doesn’t want me to be gone.
I’m not arguing. I’ve asked time and again. What do I do when GAL is a POLAR OPPOSITE of one of the biggest 180s I could do.
Which one wins 180 or GAL
And when she Ds me because I’m not home enough, because that is what’s showing her I’m changing, what are you going to tell me
If I GAL. It will prove to her I haven’t changed.
I’m not arguing, I’m not angry, I’m just confused.
ozman, did your W say "I want a D because you are gone too much?" on BD?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A day or two later after continued stonewalling I asked again to which she spat these words at me “I I JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I love you because we have been through so much together but I’m not in love with you any more and I haven’t been for about 5 years!
What part of that makes you think a 180 is to be home more?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She made it very clear that our M had always been about me and S, never about her. That was her biggest reason. This came a few days after her getting upset about my lack of housework
Yes I did. Where you told your W this will be the last christmas. I asked if I should have taken a similar approach with 4th of July.
Again, cherry-picking minutia out of the bigger concept. Saying that helped in my sitch. That doesn't mean you should do something similar.
The overall message of the link I sent was: STOP TRYING TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Instead, save yourself.
That is what I wanted you to see. Not a particular of my sitch.
ozman, admittedly I have very limited experience in dealing with adults with autism. So maybe a lot of this is related to your condition. I am sorry if it is. It makes trying to communicate concepts to you a challenge, I think. So I will try to keep from getting frustrated. But I can tell you flat out that if you continue to only hear what you want, and ignore things you don't like then your sitch won't get better. Your W told you on BD to leave her alone. Your reaction to that is 180 on being out of the house? Do you really think that squares up?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The truth of the matter is if she’s going to D you she is going to D you regardless of what you do. Giving her the space to take the pressure off and to see if she misses you odd your best option.
