I agree, the right move is to say nothing. You just need to make sure that you both don't judge each other on your parenting styles, turn it into some subliminal competition, and end up harboring resentment towards each other for it. Then the resentment starts to impact how you view the children.
There will definitely be a time and place for you guys to come together on it which I think will happen naturally as your R unfolds and you both are on the same page about the future
Honestly, it really doesn’t affect me much except I find myself saying “yes” to things I would normally say “no” to with my D. Also, i have to admit it irks me when M and I will be talking and he just jumps up and walks because he has to be throwing attention at his son every second. Attention he is t even seeking.
But I do agree, it will come together over time. We are very fortunate to love each others kids and for our kids to love each other. It’s not easy to come by.
Today my cousin and I are heading into NYC to get some special haircuts for curly hair and having a nice ramen lunch. Tomorrow is M’s birthday and we will All be having dinner together. I hope he likes his present, it’s not easy to buy for a guy, especially when men like big expensive toys that I know nothing about. But I think he’s going to like my gift.
I need to vent. Today was M’s birthday. We had a nice birthday dinner and the. Went back to his house because I made him his favorite cupcakes. We must have been alone 5 minutes and he says “ let’s go upstairs, I only have one more hour with son” fine, I get it. I say to him “ just promise me we will get 2 hours of alone time this week before you go away” he quickly says “ if I can, my mom’s rental has a leak and I might have to fix it”
We haven’t had alone time in almost 3 weeks. I thought he was going to say “ of course” . Instead he quickly gave me an excuse as to why he couldn’t. Yet again. I was soooooo hurt. I wanted to leave right after the cupcakes ( which I made group scratch) I was just so hurt. I do try, also because he expressed wanted to have his last hour with his son, who was paying attention to us. So we couldn’t quite get out. I left and told him to have a good trip. I can’t say anything to him now, it’s his birthday, but I’m so upset, I’m crying.
Am I wrong? Yes, now he accepts me as a part of his sons life and vice versa. Something I had been wanting. But now it’s loke that we have that, he never wants to be with just me anymore. And not for nothing, I’m barely in the room when his son is around. Which is fine, kids first. But no alone time? Sure, he will kiss me in front of him and tell me he loves me, but I have no clue what is going on. Is he not attracted to me anymore?? I know I’ve gained weight. ( like 7 lbs since we started dating” I wasn’t happy with myself before. But I always make sure I look good for him.
What could this be? I feel so hurt right now. If it was t his birthday, I would be addressing it immediately. Making an excuse for not being able to see me for 2 hours out of the week before he goes away for a week is just wrong. You find the time because you are going to miss your girlfriend and you haven’t had had sex in god knows how long and you want to see her.
It has nothing to do with your 7 lbs. But honestly, he might not have a very high sex drive - and if so, that might be a problem.
Does he call for phone sex after kids are asleep? How much does he call or text during the week?
This isn't a new thing - the sex has always been few and far between and somewhat dependent upon you making it happen. It might not be as important to him as it is to you. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion but I'd be watching for it.
And I think it would be fine to just say something to the effect that "sex once or twice a month really isn't enough for me".
Well that blew up huge. I said something. He blew it out of proportion. I won’t get into the details, but he Feels after our very nice week together I am still not satisfied and he won’t be able to satisfy me.
You are right, sex is not a priority at all. That was made clear. He called it a “bonus”
Nothing sexual goes on outside of the bedroom.
We had a very long talk. I’m still processing it all. In the end, we said we love each other incredibly. But there are things we do not see eye to eye on. And he’s pretty mad at me for “making plans for us” ( asking for 2 hours together this week) without involving him.
Truth is, I don’t even want to be “fit in if he has time” as he put it. I’ll just see him when we get back. Maybe. But I won’t be pursing it.
Again. So torn and so hard. He made me feel awful for wanting to see him. In my mindset, any guy would want to see his girlfriend before he left for a ask vacation and not go 2.5 weeks without seeing each other and over a month with no alone time. But maybe I’m being greedy. I am included in the family. But the truth is, we don’t live together, we don’t do our kids thing then put them to sleep and then lay down in the same bed. And maybe I’m too demanding for wanting it all.
O honey, you're not too demanding . You might be rushing things a little bit. Your desire to be part of a traditional family (which I understand , because you got gypped) does cause you to put some pressure on things. BUT - it's not unrealistic to want to have a reasonably active sex life and to have your boyfriend make you feel like he can't wait to jump your bones. Heck, I'm 63 and I still expect that!!!
So you've said your bit, now back off and see what he does with that information. Don't meddle with the experiment. You expressed an ordinary relationship need.
Ginger...nope not too demanding at all! And zippo to do with 7lbs. No guy would not want to see his girlfriend ALONE before being apart for that long. Priorities...and needs. It is great that you both feel that you love each other incredibly. Thing is you've moved in up in your priority list, but it doesn't sound as though he's done the same for you.
You are expecting the level of attention and commitment from him commisserate with your shared feelings for one another. I totally get the "last hour with my son"...I felt that last night with the last hour I had with D4. As a man that STILL makes me emotional even though we've been doing our custody for 18 months now. BUT he then should have been all for having the 2 hours of alone time with you. Me and new girl are what we are, but one thing that I've loved is how after her kids or my D4 are down, we would make time for ourselves even if we were sneaking around in the house like teenagers. Oh and sex being a bonus...that's a red flag that sounds like you will need further discussion about.
Making you feel awful for wanting to see him...that comment stuck out to me. As KML says, back off now. Time and patience as neffer has said in many threads on here.
Hang in there G! NOTHING you expressed is too demanding. Give him time to process your feelings with his. His focus on his son may contrast with his ability to understand how he can prioritize your relationship more, but he has to do so just as you have done. Give him "some" grace with that. If he's like most men he's super sensitive about being everything for his son and to share his time more with you may cause him to have to deal with some emotions he's not easily able to handle. You deserve what you've asked for. He may need some love and encouragement getting there.
Sorry to hear G. I dont think what you are looking for our need is too much or demanding. You expressed what you want, what you need, and what you expect. Either he can step up and fulfill or he can't. If he does then continue moving forward. Of he cant then you may have some decisions to make. I agree with the others....back off, pull back and see 2jat he does.
Thank you guys so much for making me feel like I’m not a high maintenance and crazy.
It was an old pattern though. I express something, a need/want, I am made to feel like I’m unreasonable and demanding and I end up apologizing and feeling like poop. Now I feel like poop because he thought I wasn’t appreciative of our awesome family time. But that’s not it. It’s normal in a relationship to make time for the one you love if you aren’t going to see them for a while. It went back and forth him being angry that I “made plans for us without consulting him” with a little validation of my wanting to spend alone adult time together with guilt thrown in that I am not happy with what he has given me as far as vacation/family time, which I assured him is not true. I do think he finally believed that.
I remain hurt, and a little frustrated . But it is what it is. Alone time and seeing me or being intimate with me is not a high priority for him at all. He actually made me feel really bad about wanting to be intimate with him. Telling me it would be idiotic to put sex before his responsibilities. Which was not what I was asking for. Now I don’t even want it. I feel the insecurity I had with my ex in the bedroom has come back. And that was awful.
Again, it’s all a trade off. I love our family life. And when we get our alone time, it’s great. He told me his son and his mom absolutely love me as does he. But something doesn’t add up for me.
So for me, I’m backing off. He can do whatever this week. I don’t want him to see me if it’s not what he wants and it’s too stressful. I’ve got enough to do this week. It’s jot about needing him to fill a void. It’s about wanting to be close to the one I love. But I certainly don’t want it if he doesn’t.
Also, I was so about being understanding and considering what he needs. He didn’t seem to give two sh!ts about what I wanted. Just that I should just get his needs and deal with it.
