Can I play devils advocate here and say you’re being a hypocrite and are being selfish. If she stayed married to you then she would only be doing because that is what you want.
Would that make you happy? If she said you know what wolf your right I’m being selfish. I will sacrifice my happiness in the one life I have to make you happy. Even though I have zero feelings for you that a w should have for her husband and probably never will let’s stay together.
Why are you so afraid to let her go and find her happiness? She doesn’t even sound like a very nice person. There is a high probability you will find someone even better.
You will get through this it just takes some time.
Can I play devils advocate here and say you’re being a hypocrite and are being selfish. If she stayed married to you then she would only be doing because that is what you want.
Would that make you happy? If she said you know what wolf your right I’m being selfish. I will sacrifice my happiness in the one life I have to make you happy. Even though I have zero feelings for you that a w should have for her husband and probably never will let’s stay together.
Why are you so afraid to let her go and find her happiness? She doesn’t even sound like a very nice person. There is a high probability you will find someone even better.
You will get through this it just takes some time.
From the understanding and empathetic side. LH19 those thoughts crossed my mind too. It is selfish of us to want to keep them like some caged canary. I get it. But? I guess vows are just "feelings" of the moment and subjective in these days. Like the wind. Im sorry my feelings led me married to the wrong person which I thought was the right person at the time, just like the W. And Im sorry her feelings were only temporary based on what could be provided to my W in terms of satisfaction and happiness, since all that changes over time too. I hope and pray my S1 grows up great in the years to cone as well as everyone else's kids on here going through this with their future blended families, OM/OW. After all we can all still be friends right? You know? For the children... After all of our efforts, investment, time, work, and years of our life.
I'm sorry but there is no honor. Forgiveness maybe. But there is no honor in anyone that doesn't keep their commitments. Myself included. Vows are just empty words that felt good when we were saying them. All of us probably just need to do what we need to do, and just pull the trigger on D and just let them go. Marriage needs to serious seriously be reconsidered in this day and age. I would seriously advocate against it now in western culture until it collapses, or things change.
Here's my thoughts on feelings. Im sure most will say I'm twisting scripture to suit my narrative which I probably am. Proverbs 26:28 He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered.
I may have come off as self righteous lately. But its only because what I have been focusing on. Anyway. Something from everyone here to think about.
LH I don’t think I am being selfish when I am thinking of the entire family. I want to stay together as a family. It just for me. Maybe it seemed that way but I am looking at it from a family perspective. The other thing is I want her to come back because she loves me. Not because I asked her to. I want her to be happy. And I know for a long time she was very happy. Obviously recently she wasn’t. I didn’t know this but considering the path we are heading down. She probably has felt like this for a while. Honestly I don’t know why I am afraid to let go. Maybe it’s because we have been together for 19 years, or the house I did so much work on to make it our own, or all the things I got for her because I loved and and was showing her affection that way. Overall, love is blind and I am starting to see that more and more that she was not a nice person. I believe I will find someone better, she was becoming a nightmare towards the end of our marriage.
IH we share a lot of the same emotions. I guess I took my vows seriously and was willing to work through anything. Unfortunately her spoiled upbringing has a lot to do with the demise of our m. She never matured or grew up and because of that, when adult responsibility kicked in she was not prepared to handle that. So the more she thought her life was horrible. To her reverting back to thinking she was 21.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I am drawn to this site because I was doing research with regards to the situation that I am facing and certain keywords that is happening in my marriage matched yours and the search engine guided me to this thread. When I started reading through your story, man, I felt that your wife is the doppelganger of mine just that we are each at the opposite side of the globe.
The bomb had been dropped on me for over a year. EA in the beginning, then walking out on the family, the children, partying, dressing up young, behaving like a teenager, totally becoming someone opposite than whom she was. Even food she once loved she is now disgusted with it and acted like she had never ate something like that before. I can tell you that I see 99% similarities between my wife and your and bet they would be like twins if they meet up with each other now. And yep, my wife had enabling parents too. She used to be the ever loving mom but now she would even go partying till wee hours in the morning with both of our kiddos are having a 104 fever.
I never bought Michele books. But I got through other books like those from Husband Help Haven and Larry Bilotta about midlife crisis as well. I had my ups and downs the entire year and trust me that I have lived through how you had felt all this while as I love my wife and my kids alot too and yep, I am also everything for the family kind of guy. I had been living on drinks to drinks almost daily though I seldom binge but its also because I like to have a couple cans of beer to help me relax.
I do not wish to hijack your thread with my story but I felt compelled to post something which I do not know if the vets would agree with me as I am no DB expert...... But this is what I thought about your situation now...
The reason which I feel you may think you failed on DB is that, You are still very much focused on your wife. You are very bothered about what she does, how she react, what she said, done to the kids even to how she is moving and handling the divorce plan she initiated. That is why you always got a reaction towards all that is going on and keep beating yourself up over and over again, which I think is something which the vets are trying to share with you.
In my humble opinion, I feel that to be successful with DB is, to ignore the actions, behavior and what your wife does. Focus only on yourself, and your kids. To the extend that you do not need to be bothered by what she said to the kids. Just step up on your role towards your kids which your wife is falling short on. As long as she is not harming them physically or abusing them, it's fine. Don't judge them base on our logic because there is no logic now.
In fact, I would suggest you use the logic on yourself now. Because you have to recognize that whatever you do now, will have no impact or influence on herself unless she comes to herself. You are to present yourself as a choice, and the person that decide to have this choice or not is her. And if she does not select this choice, it's her life. You can't force it upon her.
Sure, you had great memories and history with her. As harsh as it may be, those are the past. Likewise if you are thinking why she is unable to let go of the past issues she had for you and believe that you both can work it out, vice versa she may be thinking why you just can let her go and keep harping on those past memories which may be beautiful to you but painful to her?
Yes you would say that she was happy then and why she claim otherwise now. That was what I said and thought too to my wife. But the fact is, it doesn't matter anymore. For now. Because what is beautiful to you is horrible to her now. That is why we will always wonder why they behave and react that way while they will always go against us because we are on different frequencies.
I am sharing this not because I felt that I am anymore wiser or what. I am not even saying I am DB-ing because I might not know the actual techniques. I would say what I am doing now is living my life and being the best dad I can for my kids. Because they only have me now if anything goes south. At the same time, I do not surrender my future to my wife. I came to terms that the marriage is over and the past is the past. If she does come back, we will have to work everything all over from scratch. For now, I just focus on myself. How to be happy for myself, do the right things, be there for the kids and in the event that divorce happens, how to live a fruitful and productive life.
There are more to my stuffs that I would like to share about the most ridiculous stuffs my wife did but, I rather not to and let go. When she comes back (She had actually moved out and came back only on certain days), I still cook for her and the family but when she leaves, I just said bye to her cheerfully. I no longer wish to be burden by the hurt she had caused nor the loving memories that I hurt myself with. If there would be a future, then be it and I believe it would be even greater than the past. If there would be no future with her, then I will embrace what life has in stall for me and live the best out of it, with my kids.
For now, the only thing that I would like to share with you is, focus on yourself. Do not dwell on or be affected by her antics. Then you will be a step ahead from where you are now in DB. At least that is how I felt I learn overtime to live better. But I can assure you that does not mean I give up on my wife. I still loves her. But I have to live to the best that I can in the moment for those who loves me and I love.
Cheers. It's the weekend. Go do something that you enjoy and hit the town. Get into crowds and have some company. Have fun. For I know I have plans lining up with the kids or just myself during this weekend if my wife is bringing the kids with her.
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 Piercing: 04/18 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19
M:38 W:38 T:14 M: 12 S:9 S:6 BD: 07/18 W Moved out: 5/19 W Moved in: 7/19 D draft received: 12/19
Tosmile that was an amazing post. No joke I read it about 5 times. You are so right in every way. I am trying hard to only focus on myself. Trust me I have come a long way but still have work to do. I have been really trying to focus on myself and the kids more and more. When I am with my kids we have fun and I do t let them see that anything this bothering me. When I am around my w I am happy and fun. I just have my moments when I am not with my family it hurts. I am learning to accept it more and more. Like right now we are in away, my son competes in hip hop. So we are away for the week for his dance competition. We drove down in separate cars and have different rooms. At first I was upset about this (really upset about being able to save money) but now that I am here I actually enjoy my alone time. If this would have been a few months ago I would have been a mess. I guess some people progress or “accept” there situations faster than others. I am moving at a snails pace. Tosmile, stay with me because you said our situations are almost alike. I would love to know more about your situation. Something else you pointed out was the memories. It’s so funny how my w and I perspective is so different. I look at all the positive memories and she is stuck on the negative. You are right about me not being able to change her, I am not trying to. But I am becoming the best me possible.
Question for everyone. While we are away for the week how do I handle down time? I want to be with my kids but I don’t want her to think I want to be with her. 2 if I keep too much distance then I feel like she will day I don’t want to be with my kids. With her she always twists things and finds the negative. Thanks!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Question for everyone. While we are away for the week how do I handle down time? I want to be with my kids but I don’t want her to think I want to be with her. 2 if I keep too much distance then I feel like she will day I don’t want to be with my kids. With her she always twists things and finds the negative. Thanks!!
H:"I am going to go get ice cream. Anyone want to join me?" Kids:"YES!!!" H:"I am leaving in 5 minutes"
Wife can decided to join you or stay back. Either way you are fine with her decision. Same with kids. be fine if they say yes or no.
Ice cream, the pool, the mall, the park, the beach, the movies, mini golf, whatever
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
