Making the best of the mess.

[dillydaf]

Oh hope, I hope you are OK. That is so very, very hard for you, my heart goes out to you (and TBH I am expecting to be in the same place as you at some stage and I hope I handle it with as much strength as you have). I know what you mean about thinking your H will one day wake up and hate himself for these actions, we know the good men they have been before this pain and cruelty and it is so hard to see them destroy their lives and their families when it goes against all their values. But we are not in a place to rescue them, we have to leave them be and live for ourselves. This is definitely the hardest thing we have ever faced, but we are strong, strong women who can act with dignity and compassion and bravery in the face of this agony. Big big hugs ((()))

[97Hope]

Hello my old friends! I am divorced! (almost). My attorney insisted that I not post anything online here, stop posting on all social media etc. until after the divorce was final.

I think that was excellent advice as XH's attorney attempted to paint me as a lunatic.

Update: I filed July 2019, went to final hearing October 2020 - Covid19 and a deployment pushed things, and the fact that he didn't think I was entitled to 1/2 (eye roll here).

We did one mediation and it was a huge waste of money. Court was pretty bad but not as bad as I anticipated. To anyone looking at court, mediation, the whole process - breathe. Drink water. exercise (anything! it helps).

I moved out of the family home the end of October. I am now looking for a job as a cop! Oh...did I mention I enrolled in the police academy? LOL

I was looking for work in my field (anthropology) and could NOT find a job. I've always been passionate about criminal justice and last February I made the decision.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Seriously. It was so hard physically and mentally but it challenged me in ways I didn't know were possible.

I am so much stronger than the Hope I was almost 4 years ago when this all started.

I will update more as I am able. I just wanted to let my people here know that you helped me so much. I never stopped thinking about you. I did come here and tried to read your updates as much as possible and hated to not comment.

To anyone new here...you WILL be ok. No matter what. I truly believed that my X would have a change of heart, but I am ok. I have peace and I am actually better off mentally than the 3 years of busting. But I did it following the book and by listening to the 2x4's from my friends here.

Don't give up on yourself. Stay connected with your support groups wherever they are, however you must, and remember, you didn't break them, you can't fix them.

xoxo

[BluWave]

Hope!

I am so glad you came back and updated! It is wonderful to hear (read) from you again. I always wonder and worry what happens to people when they disappear.

And what a great update! You are moving forward. Congratulations on your new and challenging career path. Please keep us updated. Perhaps you can still advise others and newbies?

Any thoughts on dating again?

Blu

[97Hope]

((((Blu))) HI!!! I am not ready to date. I am still working through grief stages and all that entails. I am not lonely for the most part, I've been used to being on my own even while married.

I have noticed a couple of attractive men, but am just not interested. Still trying to let go of the X so I think it's better to just wait.

You helped me so much it's time I share what I can!! I know that it will be difficult for some of the newbies to hear that I'm now divorced, but I have zero regrets! (I can't say the same for XH although I don't ever talk to him anymore, unless it's at the kids and we don't talk about stuff).

I did finally conquer 'going dark' but it was not a pretty or seamless process. In fact, X texted a pic last week about how I organized the Christmas decorations in storage and I just completely ignored it. Even up to a month ago, I would entertain his attempts to communicate and that got me in trouble. (as in, we were at a mutual party and I slept with him) yikes! (about 3 months ago).

I'm going to start looking at the newcomers page and see where I an offer support, as you and so many did for me.

I am on the other side, mostly, still have some tough days, but GAL was what I had to do and it saved my life.

[97Hope]

Things I learned along the way:

I received a LOT of advice. The problem with some of it was that it just wasn't practical. A lot of advice concerned "let the lawyers handle it". My attorney charges $300 per hour, so as much as it stunk sometimes, I would try and work with X or just let things go.

I don't regret this. I knew deep down (after careful thought and consideration) what I could live with and what (for my mental health) I had to simply let go of.

I didn't relent on the property settlement. I put my X through professional school and put up with a lot of crap. I did have to swallow a couple of things that he hid, but in the grand scheme it was worth the price, to me.

My dad said something that really helped:

"those things that you lose or leave behind will not change your life significantly".

I've only been in this apartment since late October, but I am glad I didn't take much. I have a very simple, peaceful existence here and have everything that I need. He kept the ranch and that was hard to leave but realistically, I couldn't take care of it on my own, nor could I have afforded it.

I am still mourning the loss of dream, but it has become profoundly more clear that I don't miss him, I miss who he could have been. I actually have my S19 to thank for that. I was crying one day and he came over unexpectedly. I've been honest with him and my other 2 sons and he asked what was wrong. I said "some days I just miss your dad. it's just part of it" and my son said "What do you miss, though? He didn't treat you right and he was not a good husband".

Big helpful thing for me was being realistic about my X while I was standing. I had to be honest about what I was willing to stand for and what I would accept from him long term.

When he didn't turn it around, I realized that I no longer wanted that life with him and I was able to find peace in my days. One prime example was going to a party and realizing that I was having fun and NOT seeing him flirting with the pretty young girl there. That was always a nightmare that I didn't realize how bad it was until I was free.

To anyone still reading that is going thought the early days, you will find joy. GAL, detach and spend time with yourself, honestly, and figure out what you want from this life. Detaching is a process, but the more you work toward that end, the clearer things become.

I'll keep posting hoping that my journey can help. Please let me know if you want any encouragement.

Me: 46 H: 43
Married: 24 Yrs.
BD #1,2,3: 2012
RECON: 2012
BD#4: 2017
Filed: 2019 (me)
Divorce Pending 2020

There is peace in putting the burden of his healing down.

[97Hope]

Received an email asking that I remove myself from the cell phone account.

X began the letter with congratulations on a state exam that I did great on and threw in a phrase we used to use, and ended it with merry christmas!

I responded to the email like he was an accountant. (we are still under temporary orders, so I will take care of it after final decree as per the judge's orders)

I cried for 30 minutes and then I went for a short run.

A friend said this "He can't see beyond the end of his own nose"

I think that's true for so many WAS's.

Hope you are all coping with your days and finding joy and peace in the small things.

[97Hope]

What I would have done differently:

Something that I have been thinking about is how to use my situation for the good, and I didn't have a crystal ball back when this started, but I have what I know now.

One thing that I would definitely have done is read up on 'triangulation' and not get involved in my son and H's relationships. For the longest time I was a 'buffer' between them (3 sons) and their dad.

This has proven to bite me in the backside as I never allowed them to see their dad for who he is/was. When he left I made excuses for him and I softened it. I continuously told them to offer grace and love without really validating their own feelings of betrayal and hurt.

If I had to do it over again - I wouldn't disparage him, or tell-all....but I would not have interfered. I would have been honest (age appropriate) and not protected him. I would have validated their feelings.

I know now that what I did was trying to stay on the same "team" as my spouse. I always thought "united front in front of the kids" - which, I still believe, but not when you are dealing with adultery, abuse, abandonment or addiction.


I learned a valuable lesson in IC. When the boys come to me with a problem with their dad - I say "your relationship with him is your relationship with dad. our relationship is separate" I'm here for you. I love you and support you in your decisions.

They are all young adults now 19,22,28 - I allow them to talk, for sure, but I just encourage them to navigate their own boundaries and remind them that they have agency. That boundaries are loving and they don't have to pretend that the emperor has a nice coat.

[Sage4]

Hi Hope!

Thanks for stopping by my thread in MLC... I read your threads from the beginning the other day and empathize so much with your journey. You sound strong and wise at the end of it all, which is a beacon for me in my sitch.

And your latest post is something I needed to read tonight. I have been considering my boundaries and one of the ones I have struggled with the most is how to navigate the children's feelings towards H and what he is doing, as well as acting as an intermediary for their relationship with H. They are much younger than your boys, but nonetheless wise little souls who are able to articulate their feelings with astonishing accuracy.

Convincing them that the emperor is indeed wearing clothes is only gaslighting them and their understanding of the situation. But on the same hand, I don't want to add to their anger towards H. It is an awfully fine line, isn't it? And your musing on wanting to be on the same team really resonated with me. I too have the 'united front' belief, but I am starting to question if it is my own selfish fear that is keeping me on H's team all the time (there are obvious circumstances where it is appropriate for both of us to be united, but there are far more where I really should let H deal with the consequences of his actions). Somewhere inside me is a tiny voice that says if I acknowledge that we really are not on the same team, I have to acknowledge that it's over? Were you motivated by 'keeping the peace to maintain the potential of reconciliation'?

Do you have a lot of loose ends left (like the cell phone) that could throw you for an emotional loop? I know that there is always something unexpected that could pop up and trigger a feeling, but if you are prepared for it, maybe it won't knock you back at all? (And a short run is my go-to after a cry, I get you sister).

Thanks for sharing your thoughts tonight!

xx

[97Hope]

Hi Sweet ((((sage)))

Convincing them that the emperor is indeed wearing clothes is only gaslighting them and their understanding of the situation.

Exactly!! They can see/hear more than we ever imagine so this doesn't build trust.

But on the same hand, I don't want to add to their anger towards H.

We aren't responsible for their emotions. We are responsible for being safe, honest and trustworthy.

It is an awfully fine line, isn't it? And your musing on wanting to be on the same team really resonated with me. I too have the 'united front' belief, but I am starting to question if it is my own selfish fear that is keeping me on H's team all the time (there are obvious circumstances where it is appropriate for both of us to be united, but there are far more where I really should let H deal with the consequences of his actions).

My X was drinking and driving. When I tried to talk to him about it he was angry. I ended up having to talk to my son (16 at the time) on his own. Told him "Do NOT get in the car with your dad. This has to come from you".

That was the final straw for me. I realized we were definitely NOT on the same team and I had to be honest and fearless about the consequences of this. Sure there are times when mom & dad can still be on the same time, it just has to be evaluated as to what is true, and what is harmful to them.

Somewhere inside me is a tiny voice that says if I acknowledge that we really are not on the same team, I have to acknowledge that it's over? Were you motivated by 'keeping the peace to maintain the potential of reconciliation'?

Yes. Absolutely. But then I reminded myself and came here and was reminded that my M was already over. I remember how much it hurt when I first heard that, but facing that first reality was freeing.

I was in a very controlling environment and didn't even realize it, so making my own choices was good for me. standing up for myself and my kids was good for me but even better was modeling my own boundaries and encouraging the boys to set them and enforce them.

With younger kids, in our sitch, of course will look a little different, but yes. Their dad needs to face whatever consequences he must. Protecting him is not your job. Not now, and truly not ever IMO.

Do you have a lot of loose ends left (like the cell phone) that could throw you for an emotional loop? I know that there is always something unexpected that could pop up and trigger a feeling, but if you are prepared for it, maybe it won't knock you back at all? (And a short run is my go-to after a cry, I get you sister).

Oh goodness, yess!! But it is so much better!! My X tries to reach out for weird reasons, tells the kids he still loves me and I'm still his "best friend". I've gone dark and only interact when I have to and talk to him like he's the accountant.

Sometimes they just roll off like water/duck's back (another stander shared that with me). It's a process. I've learned that he is on his own journey and me being a buffer was actually hurting more than helping.

Hope this helps xx

[97Hope]

If your trying to detach and your spouse is still acting as if the M isn't over, I have some experience here.

Not every sitch is the same, but I thought I would share some things that happened.

August 2017 - found out he had gone to an attorney while I was out of the country. ILYB talks. Moved out of the bedroom early November. Back in MBR for Christmas.

Bought me expensive boots for a graduation gift Dec. 2017. Told me on the drive home he was filing after Christmas.

Moved out of MBR the day after Christmas (older kids were there and I think he was just saving face).

Stayed in guest room. IHS.

April 2018 bought me goats for my birthday. I had always wanted them. I questioned this as we both knew after divorce I wouldn't have any way to take them, and he said to not worry.

Things were mostly great during IHS. Another Christmas. He was consistently acting like we were great, but stopped saying ILY and occasionally brought up divorce.

July 2018 moved to hotel for 2 weeks. Came back home.

Another Christmas - Moved out January 2019. Said "This is probably going to end in divorce but I can't even make up my mind while I live here with you"

Vacation together with our youngest to see kids - acted like my old H, until we returned and then was intermittently distance and my old friend.

I read his email (don't advise this but it turned out to be a blessing to me). Several emails to attorney - January told atty that he wasn't ready. July 2019 told him to proceed with divorce.

I filed before he could to get a better outcome.

During divorce proceedings he was extremely kind to me and very flirty. I had to work very hard on going dark, or at least dim.

He sent me a mother's day card (handwritten) talking about how great a mom I was. I threw it out.

Bought me a Christmas gift that had our business on it. (It was already decided that he would buy me out).


What I mean to say by all of this is - as much as you are able, the only way to do this effectively is to gray rock everything.

If they are nice, great. But if they aren't - your stand can't change.

Boundaries. They are yours. You choose what you will tolerate/allow and what you won't. Don't base it on feelings, base it on what is best for you.

For someone new to all of this, when your spouse is kind, you might get a glimmer of hope (or sometimes a surge).

It has been my experience that they are all over the place and the best thing for us to do is focus on our 180's GAL and just let them do what they do.

Detachment is crucial. I wish you all the best and hope that you are able to find peace in the middle of this storm.