Making the best of the mess.

[BluWave]

Hope,

I am glad to read that you are turning a corner and moving forward. Hey, even 2 steps fwd and 1 step back, is still forward movement! Two years is a long time, but in relation to a M and family and people we know for most of our lifetime, it's not really that long when you think about it. You most likely planned on living in your home now with H for many, many years, so this change is still unsettling. I agree that it is okay to embrace discomfort because it means change is coming. We are wired to avoid discomfort, but working through it can be more realistic and more therapeutic. Why? Because, let's face it, we can't always avoid it. This sitch that youre in now is the result of another person's actions and we can't control them. Working through the fallout of it, will make you stronger.

To answer your question if you are reacting to his actions, I would say yes and no. Most of what you are doing are reactions to his actions because, how can they not be? He left the M, he moved out, he comes and goes, it sounds like you need his work to maintain the property/animals, and now he is moving closer. I think it would be impossible not to react to that. However, if your goal is to create a situation where he can no longer have this affect on you, then yes, it does sound like you are going to have to make some changes. I think you should give yourself a break and just do what is easiest for you. Definitely leave when he comes around. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you need his help with the farm (it is a farm, yes?) then just let him do that work and leave him be.

If you want to ask him to no longer come over than it might be easier to avoid an uncomfortable convo and send him a more formal email. It also leaves little room for negotiation and shows him you mean business. He might start to pick up on a shift in your energy, and he may even notice you pulling away, and that is fine. I think it's a misconception that when they pick up on "losing" us they will more likely give up. I tend to think the opposite, and that that is often when they start to come around again.

It is unfortunate that he has these convos with your son. That bothers me too. Kids do not want to be involved in their parents baggage, teens included in that. It may not be that your son never wants to live with him again, but he may just be frustrated with how selfish he has been for the last couple years. Your son might also feel protective over you and want to show you his loyalty. My guess is that if you and H ever R, then your son would be amenable to that.

In the mean time, as you make these bigger decisions and are asking yourself if they are reactions to him verses your authentic choices, think about how his response could make you feel. Can you make a decision and be okay with the consequences and his reactions, whatever they may be? Meaning when you make the choice to do something, do so and accept that he could have any sort of reaction but that he will not change/influence your course as you continue into it. That is the goal anyhow.

Blu

[97Hope]

Flip the dynamic. Don't be a victim to this man's actions. If moving means you can have that extra security and comfort and live your life, then it is the right choice for you. Your S wants to see his Mum happy. He only needs a floor to throw his clothes on!!...and his loving mum.

Hi Yorkie!!

H pays for everything as it is so it is actually security and comfort for me to stay where I am. I'm not looking forward to going back to work full-time. I was a SAHM before and after I put him through professional school. That's what I mean about not letting him dictate what I do/where I live etc.

You are so right, S definitely only wants to see me happy and have a place to dump clothes!! LOL

[97Hope]

I think you should give yourself a break and just do what is easiest for you. Definitely leave when he comes around. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you need his help with the farm (it is a farm, yes?) then just let him do that work and leave him be.

I've been reading and re-reading this convo thread for the past few days. I took some time, went to a friends house, went to a cookout, church etc. and really thought about what I want. I want to stay here until S17 graduated. One more year. That is what I asked for initially, and that is what I'm going to insist on. I have some legal recourse if he doesn't grant that in the D (if he even files...it's been a month approx. since he last brought it up).

If you want to ask him to no longer come over than it might be easier to avoid an uncomfortable convo and send him a more formal email. It also leaves little room for negotiation and shows him you mean business. He might start to pick up on a shift in your energy, and he may even notice you pulling away, and that is fine. I think it's a misconception that when they pick up on "losing" us they will more likely give up. I tend to think the opposite, and that that is often when they start to come around again.

Actually, this thrills me. The idea of him no longer just showing up feels like freedom in a cup. I am ok if it pushes him further away. It has taken me a while to get here, but when I'm honest, I don't feel like dealing with his emotions/wants/desires. He's completely selfish and self-serving and he can feel whatever he feels...but he needs to do it elsewhere. I think it will be a relief to me. I could be wrong, but I don't think so. At any rate, I'm just feeling like him coming around is not good for me. Now, what I am thinking about is having a schedule so we can get the work done around here (we have a big ranch) but it's not just as he likes. He will definitely have a reaction to it, but I'm not bothered by it. Kind of interesting now when he has a reaction I'm thinking "what are you gonna do? Divorce me? Jeez, you already dropped that bomb little man"

In the mean time, as you make these bigger decisions and are asking yourself if they are reactions to him verses your authentic choices, think about how his response could make you feel. Can you make a decision and be okay with the consequences and his reactions, whatever they may be? Meaning when you make the choice to do something, do so and accept that he could have any sort of reaction but that he will not change/influence your course as you continue into it. That is the goal anyhow.

And after considering available/possible reactions, I am ok with whatever he does. As I stated above, his reactions are his. They don't scare me anymore. He's already left the MR. Walking that out in my head really helped me gain clarity. I was looking at a smaller place because of him, not because that's what I want.

Our older boys are moving back this month and next month. The last thing I need to do is leave right now. We are going to stay here together for one month (s22, his wife and baby) and then they all have rentals in August.

I must slow down with my actions. When I step back and consider everything, I can see this for what it is.


Thank you all so much for your support, comments and advice. You know what I'm going through like no one else so you understand so much.

Stay strong, people. It's crazy out there!! <3

[97Hope]

Your move might provide you with some clarity. The friendly contact you've been having might continue, and you'll know it is because he wants to see you and not because he needs to do some work in the house. You might not want to see him, of course (and I wouldn't blame you) but it could give you that extra physical separation that would be healthy and help you see where the land lies.

While I was thinking about this I realized that I don't care what he wants right now. I don't even want to tell him that it's me wanting the extra physical separation now. I just want to do it. I'm still trying to find the balance between cake-eating and being a lighthouse. (so so difficult for me!!).

Decided to just not be available to him. Easier than moving out and I don't want to do that any way.

Spoke with S22 & DIL's and let them know that when they get here, we will not have "family fun" time with H. They completely understood and said of course not! They will work out time with their dad apart from me. I'm so proud of them!!

H will for sure react to that, but I can't help him. Actions have consequences.

Maybe it was one of Blu's 2x4's : )

[97Hope]

Journaling/musing,

As he mows the grass and trims the hedges and weeds the flower beds, I enjoyed time with my friends, church and a nice nap. I went out and fed the horses, dropped mineral for the cattle and spent some time checking fence-lines etc. while he was finishing up other things.

I want to weigh all of my options before I tell him not to come around. The kids have offered to help when they move back so I really don't need to do anything (they will be here in 2 weeks) today. I'm glad I have this place to clear my head. I have a new idea every 5 minutes and I have never been pleased with my emotional decisions.

I think my emotions make terrible decision makers.

If I can continue to work on detachment, I wonder if it will matter when he is here/isn't here and if I have to throw up hard boundaries about when he comes over.

Going to go back and read my own sitch from the beginning and see where I am as opposed to where I started.

Also going to note when I decide I need to do something, how I arrived at that decision. I do think Blu was right, sometimes it is in reaction to him, but I doesn't always have to be.

God Bless you and keep you all.

[AlisonUK]

I have faith in you, 97Hope!

You've been doing this long enough, and self reflecting and self-caring deeply enough to know when you are running on emotion and reactivity, and to know when you're making a practical change that best suits you and your future goals. It doesn't sound like you're in urgent financial difficulty, so you can afford to take some time to mull over your decision and make it slowly. And yes - make it in privacy. There's no need to discuss this with your H. He isn't acting as a husband, which means he doesn't get the privilege of collaborating with you as you shape and build your life.

It sounds like you have a good short term plan - help from your sons, less 'family' time with H and some boundaries about the time you spend together when he's there to work at the family farm. These are ways you are setting boundaries and protecting yourself for the next year, which is when your 17 yo will go to college, right? They sound sensible to me - and what's great is that you feel you can do what you need to do no matter what your H's response is or isn't.

Do you have a longer term plan for your future after s moves out? Have you had legal information about what you're entitled to in terms of maintenance and a settlement, should it come to that? Are you worried your H might get into debt or otherwise act irresponsibly and do you have a need to factor that into your decision making process? I hate to ask this - but if there's an OW or a risk of one, do you need to wonder what might happen if he creates another financial responsibility for himself and how that may affect your youngest's college tuition? You might not want to file yourself, but knowing what the future might look like if your H does decide to file might help you prepare for that. It might also be a positive process for you. I have been really inspired by the way that Yail has been dreaming about and moving towards her ideal future on her thread. I'm not there yet myself but I look forward to getting there!

[97Hope]

Do you have a longer term plan for your future after s moves out? Have you had legal information about what you're entitled to in terms of maintenance and a settlement, should it come to that? Are you worried your H might get into debt or otherwise act irresponsibly and do you have a need to factor that into your decision making process? I hate to ask this - but if there's an OW or a risk of one, do you need to wonder what might happen if he creates another financial responsibility for himself and how that may affect your youngest's college tuition? You might not want to file yourself, but knowing what the future might look like if your H does decide to file might help you prepare for that. It might also be a positive process for you. I have been really inspired by the way that Yail has been dreaming about and moving towards her ideal future on her thread. I'm not there yet myself but I look forward to getting there!

No plans for long-term. I can only do day-by-day, TBH. When I go too far out, I start to crack. I have some vague wishes, but nothing that needs a plan. I.e. - find a place in proximity to the kids, but not on top of H etc. I'm currently getting my certification in Biblical Counseling - so my plans are for no matter what, nothing that hinges on what H does/doesn't do. That's one way I can cope with this whole thing. Finding what I want for my future that doesn't need H to do something. I'm ok either way at this point - although sometimes the idea of life with him is scarier than a life without him. So I just stay in the moment ; )

[97Hope]

Journaling,

H told me tonight that he is looking at switching to a new mobile service provider and "what do you want to do?" I asked him do you want me off of the account?". He said "Well that sounds bad when you say it like that" - gee, ya think? I am not working, have only had one consulting job in the past 7 years and that was after I put him through school.

He's crazy. We did some D talk and he offered me a ridiculous settlement. I told him I don't want this, but if you go that road, what you offered me is a slap in the face. Without going into details, I let him know that I will not be agreeing to anything he provides to me unless my L agrees to it and that this is not going to go down over tea and biscuits.

Not that I'm punishing him, but I worked very hard to get us where we are and I will not be put out without what is fair to me. (I didn't say this out loud)

After a calm discussion about what he thinks I want and what he's wiling to "give" I said that I didn't know why he didn't work this hard at the marriage, because he's working overtime at ending it. Just when our kids are moving down here and all he's ever talked about in 23 years is sitting on the porch together at our ranch watching the grands play. I told him that I though this was everything he ever wanted and he said - it is. He put on his sunglasses and I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

He then really started to cry and said he had to go. I don't cry anymore to or in front of him. I don't remember when I stopped.

If he files (he now says he only gave a verbal to the L, hasn't hired him yet) this will not turn out like he thinks. I know what I'm entitled to. More than that, though, the boys are very upset with him and youngest can't even look at him. He is losing everything he loves.

Just going to step back and let him go off the cliff. I'm sad for him, but I still have peace. No fear like before. I now know what I'm worth. And it's a {censored} of a lot more than he thinks.

[AlisonUK]

Wow. Your H really does meet the definition of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it, doesn't he?

I'm not surprised you're moving towards more distance from him. And I am so glad you are not feeling fear. You are absolutely correct that you shouldn't' agree to any settlement without having a L look over it. You supported him, made a home for him and raised his children. I don't know what the law is like in your area, but here, you'd be entitled to half of all assets and pensions as a starting point, perhaps more if you are housing minor children, and child maintenance until the youngest is of age. I know your son is older. And it seems your H is meeting his financial responsibilities right now. But it seems to me you'd be more secure financially if you were divorced and that's going to come as a nasty shock to him.

[97Hope]

Wow. Your H really does meet the definition of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it, doesn't he?

His face is in the encyclopedia next to the entry.

But it seems to me you'd be more secure financially if you were divorced and that's going to come as a nasty shock to him.

You know I don't want a D, but that shock he would receive does give me a little comfort. It's about time he was knocked off of his donkey.

I woke up this morning feeling gross and sad. The good news is - I have a lot of jobs around the ranch to do today, when I work, I crank up the music and sing my head off on the tractor. Today is about not staying in the sad.