Weird, rollercoaster-y weekend. After WAW and I went through with the S, I came home to find a very different apartment. Tons of space, empty rooms, empty walls, everything. It didn't feel like my home at all. I had already taken down a lot of the photos of us and our life together before that, but coming home last Friday felt like a stomach punch.
So I decided I was going to use this weekend to buck up and make the place mine. Went to IKEA, Crate and Barrel, Target, etc. and made some plans for what I was going to do. Turn the corner over here into a bar, turn the spare bedroom into an office, that sort of thing. It was a bittersweet feeling to be shopping for furniture by myself given that it was a mutual and fun thing we did together after the past seven years, but I kept my head down and kept putting one foot forward in front of the other. And now I have a lot of building to do!
And so I went into today feeling pretty good, with a spring in my step. Then a few hours ago I got an email from our landlord about renewing the lease, and it sort of took me by surprise. The lease isn't up until mid-October, but I live in a fairly high demand area of NYC so I suppose the landlord wants to get out ahead of things. WAW then emails me - she gets the emails too - and asks if I want to talk about the lease at tomorrow's MC. And then it all kind of hit me: the lease is a fairly important part of the whole story here.
I wouldn't be here if I wasn't interested in reconciliation, but given that she's signed a one-year lease of her own, it's very unlikely even if there was momentum in that direction that she'd move back in. If we do end up D, then given the support I'd like having to pay, financially I'd most likely want to downgrade to a smaller apartment; in that case, a lot of the furniture I just bought would be unnecessary. But then I'd still have the next few months in a half-empty shell of an apartment whose emptiness only reminds me of what I've lost.
I don't know, I knew the day would come when I'd be faced with this juncture, but I didn't realize it'd be on me so quick after the S. I felt so good turning the page and GAL setting up my place without WAW, and now I'm right back into it. And I really don't know what I want to say about it to WAW. I'm 100% she knows what I want, and that'd be unhelpful pressure anyway. But I also assume that it's not particularly DB of me to communicate my anxiety and concern here. Any ideas?
When you talk to her, keep it strictly business. Don't share any feelings. I'm sure you're right that she wants her name off the lease, and if you can't afford the place yourself then start making plans to move. I know it hurts but you've got to prepare yourself because things aren't going to turn around soon enough for you to count on her moving back in there.
My suggestion on the furniture is keep what you would keep if you move to a smaller place and return the rest. If you don't like the idea of looking at empty rooms then close a door or two and don't go in there. That's what I did when XW moved out and the kids were with her, I just closed their doors so I didn't see those empty reminders. It's a small thing but it does help.
Hang in there! You'll be fine, but unfortunately you've got to go through some pain first. You can do this.
EDIT- also go ahead and set up the furniture you plan on keeping. The sooner you make that place your own then the sooner you'll start to feel better about your situation. That was a great idea on buying some stuff and making it what YOU want. Definitely proceed with that. It's nice being able to set something up to your personal tastes without worrying about what someone else thinks!
When you talk to her, keep it strictly business. Don't share any feelings. I'm sure you're right that she wants her name off the lease, and if you can't afford the place yourself then start making plans to move. I know it hurts but you've got to prepare yourself because things aren't going to turn around soon enough for you to count on her moving back in there.
My suggestion on the furniture is keep what you would keep if you move to a smaller place and return the rest. If you don't like the idea of looking at empty rooms then close a door or two and don't go in there. That's what I did when XW moved out and the kids were with her, I just closed their doors so I didn't see those empty reminders. It's a small thing but it does help.
Hang in there! You'll be fine, but unfortunately you've got to go through some pain first. You can do this.
EDIT- also go ahead and set up the furniture you plan on keeping. The sooner you make that place your own then the sooner you'll start to feel better about your situation. That was a great idea on buying some stuff and making it what YOU want. Definitely proceed with that. It's nice being able to set something up to your personal tastes without worrying about what someone else thinks!
Thanks, appreciate the advice. What's the best way to approach MC? Going to be hard to keep that all business.
MC went well, in my view. We're scaling back to once every other week, which I think is fine. I don't want us to lose all touch - although I have hard set a rule with myself to go no contact initiated by me in between sessions - and I think MC will be a good channel for listening and validating.
Otherwise, GAL continues unabated. Down to 16% body fat and looking really fit at the gym. Played tennis this week, and joined a flag football and softball team at work. Meeting new people, getting my butt out of the house. One of the things that WAW loved about me was my athleticism - and she's right that I got a bit lazy and complacent. Not doing it for her as I do miss it, but a nice opportunity to potentially kill two birds with one stone.
Discussing the SA is punted until next week, which is fine, although I do expect there to be some tough discussions when it does come around. Still planning on holding my ground, communicating that I'm not casting her as the enemy and I do not wish to be punitive to her, but that I need to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me.
One interesting thing though: she's heavily involved in local politics - a massive turning point in our M, as it caused her to have a lot less time to spend at home and between us - and she's signed up to be the campaign manager for a friend of hers that is running for a state seat. Anyway, she's not the technical type and I am, and she's having lots of trouble getting her campaign website up and running. On one hand, I absolutely don't want to be the dude who is at her beck and call when she needs help. On the other hand, one of her complaints from the M is that I wasn't very helpful to her on group projects, and that she didn't feel like I was available when she needed me.
So my question: is it possible to thread the needle here, show a 180 and help when I can (ie: not cancel plans or go out of my way), but also set boundaries (ie: come to my neighborhood, I have to leave at time x, etc.)? She's attracted to the skilled and nerdy types, of which I absolutely am, and this might be a nice way to remind her that we do work well as a team. Or am I being naive and losing respect in her eyes?
So I've been helping WAW with the website, and it's been going well. I am still worried that it's framing me as someone who will always be available to her, but without my help she'd really be up a creek and it's been a good opportunity for me to 180 on mutual projects that I wasn't very helpful on. I think it's been helpful to remind her that we're a good team when we're moving in the right direction. Rapport has been very friendly, with jokes and so on.
One of the downsides of helping - apart from giving neither of us much separation - is that it does remind me that I'm still very attracted to her. I've done my part too, looked nice, smelled good, and all of that - but she's still very attractive to me and I just have to absorb that.
Otherwise, usual GAL stuff. Not going to get into specific details, but I've been taking advantage of my singleness and having fun when I go out with my friends. Nothing romantic or emotional, just having fun. Otherwise I've been getting to the gym, setting up my apartment, setting into a different life.
I do remain pretty committed to the goal of reconciliation though, so I'm also reading (and doubling down on DB and NMMNG), going to IC, and journaling offline as well. Really trying to be the best version of myself I can be.
Separation agreement talks will resume once I'm back from a work trip overseas; I'm still a bit concerned it will hamstring any positive momentum we've had, but I recognize this is a marathon and not a sprint.
One interesting thing though: she's heavily involved in local politics - a massive turning point in our M, as it caused her to have a lot less time to spend at home and between us - and she's signed up to be the campaign manager for a friend of hers that is running for a state seat. Anyway, she's not the technical type and I am, and she's having lots of trouble getting her campaign website up and running. On one hand, I absolutely don't want to be the dude who is at her beck and call when she needs help. On the other hand, one of her complaints from the M is that I wasn't very helpful to her on group projects, and that she didn't feel like I was available when she needed me.
So my question: is it possible to thread the needle here, show a 180 and help when I can (ie: not cancel plans or go out of my way), but also set boundaries (ie: come to my neighborhood, I have to leave at time x, etc.)? She's attracted to the skilled and nerdy types, of which I absolutely am, and this might be a nice way to remind her that we do work well as a team. Or am I being naive and losing respect in her eyes?
So you are going to go no contact, but keep every other week MC......oh and you still have to work on a SA. What is the point of MC at this point?
And no, do not do her website for her. If she asks, tell her that you can be hired to do it like any other contractor. Isn't she firing you as her husband? Stop acting like you are still her H.
Welp, nix that, you already are helping. -smh-
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One interesting thing though: she's heavily involved in local politics - a massive turning point in our M, as it caused her to have a lot less time to spend at home and between us - and she's signed up to be the campaign manager for a friend of hers that is running for a state seat. Anyway, she's not the technical type and I am, and she's having lots of trouble getting her campaign website up and running. On one hand, I absolutely don't want to be the dude who is at her beck and call when she needs help. On the other hand, one of her complaints from the M is that I wasn't very helpful to her on group projects, and that she didn't feel like I was available when she needed me.
So my question: is it possible to thread the needle here, show a 180 and help when I can (ie: not cancel plans or go out of my way), but also set boundaries (ie: come to my neighborhood, I have to leave at time x, etc.)? She's attracted to the skilled and nerdy types, of which I absolutely am, and this might be a nice way to remind her that we do work well as a team. Or am I being naive and losing respect in her eyes?
So you are going to go no contact, but keep every other week MC......oh and you still have to work on a SA. What is the point of MC at this point?
And no, do not do her website for her. If she asks, tell her that you can be hired to do it like any other contractor. Isn't she firing you as her husband? Stop acting like you are still her H.
Welp, nix that, you already are helping. -smh-
Well, I appreciate the 2x4 here and I'm sure it's a somewhat meaningless distinction, but I'm certainly not *doing* it for her. She's done 95% of it, and I'm helping her with a few bugs that come up. Never breaking my own plans to be available, but I get your point.
Hey Steve, hope all is well up in NYC. Have you put away your sweaters yet? Haha just kidding.
I'm unsure how to respond to helping her, but if NC is what you want to do then it doesn't fit the bill. I'd bet the old Steve, before you got married, wouldn't be helping girls who weren't interested in him with passion projects. I'm thinking this is indirect pursuit, what do you think?
As for the attraction thing, your mind is tricking you. It wants what it can't have. The law of diminishing returns applies in your love life. I think you know how to make this work in your favor.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 07/09/1904:12 AM. Reason: Spelling
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hey Steve, hope all is well up in NYC. Have you put away your sweaters yet? Haha just kidding.
I'm unsure how to respond to helping her, but if NC is what you want to do then it doesn't fit the bill. I'd bet the old Steve, before you got married, wouldn't be helping girls who weren't interested in him with passion projects. I'm thinking this is indirect pursuit, what do you think?
As for the attraction thing, your mind is tricking you. It wants what it can't have. The law of diminishing returns applies in your love life. I think you know how to make this work in your favor.
Good points on all, thank you. My thinking was that a big piece of her feedback that she didn't feel like she could depend on me, and that I didn't do my fair share on things that should have been both of us working on it together (budgeting, etc.), this would be an opportunity to show a 180. But I can definitely agree that I wouldn't have done this for a random woman; I only did this because I still view her as my wife and I had an agenda in mind.
