Midlife wife crisis8

[Wolfman]

IH you are absolutely right I have to let go (drop the rope). I feel like a do for a couple of days then I backslide. I am really trying to focus on myself more. Eating right, working out, playing baseball, going out with friends and being the best dad possible. For me once I can let go of the past and not worry about the future I will be able to move forward. It’s just taking me a long time. What does everyone say here, patience. I am trying really hard.
IH I have never seen swingers. Sorry my friends busy my chops for that all the time. And I love to dance and pretty good. Why did you ask about dancing?

Joe Joe. That was some great info. You are absolutely right I am always thinking if I do something or say something how will it affect her. I can’t worry about what she thinks anymore. I have make decisions that are best for me regardless of how she is going to act. I have always tried to please my w. Now it’s my time to do what’s best for me and my children. I definitely lost respect for myself and how would I expect her to give me respect if I have none for myself. I will re-read that post many times, it is gold. I know people have been saying this for a long time for me, I just have been down on myself. That gets me nowhere. It’s funny I am only “weak” around my w. When I go out I meet women all the time, I have such a confidence when I am out. But when my w is around it’s like she is my “kryptonite”. I don’t know why I am so weak around her. I try not to show that but I feel it, which means she probably feels it.

LH you have been telling me this for a long time!! I’m sorry if I have frustrated you, I need to get better at being strong and confident around her. I need to be the same man when I am out when I am with her. Too many mistakes, I will not make these mistakes in my next relationship.

[Ready2Change]

R2C I’m not really sure what that means. The funny thing is I attract women all the time. I am tall and in shape have a great sense of humor and intelligent. Yet the one I want he most does not want me.

It’s funny I am only “weak” around my w. When I go out I meet women all the time, I have such a confidence when I am out. But when my w is around it’s like she is my “kryptonite”. I don’t know why I am so weak around her. I try not to show that but I feel it, which means she probably feels it.

Obviously each of us have our own areas in the "personal growth" that can use improvement. Some guys here have a hard time even maintaining eye contact with their lady. Much easier to "practice" this skill with strangers until it feels more natural and they can use this new skill with their wife.


What do you do that is "weak" around wife that you wouldn't do around others?

[Wolfman]

When I am around my w I lose my sense of humor. I feel like I am being constantly watched and have to “behave”. I do t feel relaxed almost like walking on eggshells. I have been a lot better at validating though.

[Wolfman]

Having a rough morning. I take 2 steps forward then 2 steps backward. I am just sad that it has almost been a year since the separation and nothing has changed. I thought for sure that when we first separated it was only going to last like a month. Here I am a year later and heading down d lane. I think back to our whole r and think how much I did for her and gave her and it was never enough. She always wanted more and I would give it to her she would want more and I would give it to her again. I guess my struggle this morning is that I gave and ga e and gave to her and the family and to still end up here. There was no pleasing this woman. She looked for perfection in this m and since that doesn’t exist it was doomed from day one. Love is blind and boy was I blind. I think most women would have loved to have me as a husband. Hard working, loving, dedicated, truthful, great dad, and yet all of that didn’t add up for her. Yet she would find the few things I did wrong focus on that and make me out to be this horrible person.

Depression is bad today. Honestly I feel like I have nothing to look forward too. I wish there was good news people on here could give me. But her fog is thick and permanent. I have to laugh one of her friends is going through a bad d. It’s been going on for about 2 years. I heard my w talking on the phone the other day and giving her friend advice on dating. How do you put the pieces of your heart back when it’s broken into a million??

Something I want to share which I thought was so interesting. We had a family therapy session with my d therapist. There was one thing she said to my d that so applied to my w. The therapist said to my d there are 3 kinds of intelligence: 1 academic 2 logical 3 emotional. She said to my d that she is doing things in her life based on emotions not on logic. That if she really thought about certain situations logically she would make better decisions that make her decisions based on emotion. And she said a lot of people make made decisions when they are based solely on emotion because in that moment you may feel mad, sad, depressed. I wanted to say to my w do you see how you are handling our m?? You are making decisions based on emotion instead of logic. Because logically to break up a family over some minor things that happened a while ago it doesn’t make any logical sense. It as we all know they act based on emotion. It just saddens me that my w behavior is based on emotion not logic.

Someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

[SteveLW]

Hang in there Wolf. I know it is tough. I have been there, resigning myself to D even though it was the last thing I wanted.

There is always hope. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

There are better days ahead.

[LH19]

W,

Sorry you’re having a bad day.

As always I am going to challenge you. If we look at this logically I can’t understand why you feel you have nothing to look forward to in the future. Sounds like your W was a pretty horrible W. You gave and gave and got zero in return. I am pretty sure your relationship with your D will get better without your W around belittling you. You have indicated you are currently interacting with two women and have zero problems attracting women.

Sounds to me that you have a helluva life ahead of you if you choose.

[MrBrside]

There was no pleasing this woman. She looked for perfection in this m and since that doesn’t exist it was doomed from day one. Love is blind and boy was I blind. I think most women would have loved to have me as a husband. Hard working, loving, dedicated, truthful, great dad, and yet all of that didn’t add up for her. Yet she would find the few things I did wrong focus on that and make me out to be this horrible person.

This is just the norm to some people. You can't let it get you down. My ex was just the same. My boss is the same. You can bust a gut and he won't say thanks for the 10 things that you excelled in, he will flag up the one niggly thing that you didnt do. A lot of LBS on here seem to be hardworking, loving, totally dedicatedm honest, loyal, good dads etc.... But these things arent enough for some people...

Something I want to share which I thought was so interesting. We had a family therapy session with my d therapist. There was one thing she said to my d that so applied to my w. The therapist said to my d there are 3 kinds of intelligence: 1 academic 2 logical 3 emotional. She said to my d that she is doing things in her life based on emotions not on logic. That if she really thought about certain situations logically she would make better decisions that make her decisions based on emotion. And she said a lot of people make made decisions when they are based solely on emotion because in that moment you may feel mad, sad, depressed. I wanted to say to my w do you see how you are handling our m?? You are making decisions based on emotion instead of logic. Because logically to break up a family over some minor things that happened a while ago it doesn’t make any logical sense. It as we all know they act based on emotion. It just saddens me that my w behavior is based on emotion not logic.

Not heard it before, but its very true... Like i mentioned in my thread, 99% of decissions my ex made were made on emotion - our arguments stemmed from my logical ( and sometimes academic ) response, usually trying to make her realise the idea was insane / silly. Logic is no match for their emotions.. My ex never listened to my logic when we were an item, and would stay moody with me until i found a solution to her "want"... So i realised kind of quickly once i found this board that there was no way back once she went WW.. You sound like you are in a similar situation...

You cant beat her emotion with rational or logic.. Alls you can do is get away from the negativity it brings...

I think most women would have loved to have me as a husband

GAL - excerise, dress well, keep working hard, be a great day, recover, heal ..MORE GAL etc... then if and when you are ready to move on you may meet a better lady.. This time you will be experienced and know which flags to watch for..

[Ready2Change]

Having a rough morning. Depression is bad today.

Sorry to hear this.

I am just sad that it has almost been a year since the separation and nothing has changed.

It is OK to be sad. Feel the lose. It has been 10 years for me and my X never looked back. We can't control other people. That is why you have to let her go. Cry it all out. Let the anger out when it is safe. Scream in your car about how unfair it is.

Honestly I feel like I have nothing to look forward too.

I am looking forward to weddings and grand babies. Hopefully not for a while. My kids are 16,17,18,20. Looking forward to things way in the future helps me.

I wish there was good news people on here could give me. But her fog is thick and permanent.....Someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

The only good news I can give you is that once you come out the other side, things are better. It really [censored] being in the middle. Keep focused on your personal growth and your kids. Set her free. Let her go.


HUGS

[Wolfman]

LH you are so right about her not being a good w. I don’t know why I would want her back when these other women are so good to me. Granted it’s always like that in the beginning. It’s so true what they say you want what you can’t have. Right now I can’t have my w or probably ever again. LH I guess for me the other thing is I had my “fun” in college with women. I guess once I transitioned to husband and father I never thought of having to start over and play the field again. I was at a 4th of July party and another woman was hitting on me and asked me for my number. Again, that’s nice and all and makes me feel good but it’s not what I want. I guess I have to get out of the more of marriage and back into single mode. Obviously on here you guys can sense how down I am but when I am not here that is not at all what I show. I workout 5 days a week now, play on a baseball team, dress nice wear nice cologne, fun and happy. Actually I’m kinda shocked my w is not physically attracted to me. If she is, man she is good at hiding it.

Steve thank you for the encouragement, it really makes a difference.

Helpme other than literally taking my w out to dinner every night and kissing her all the time there is not much else I could have done. My IC said to me my w never matured and still wants to live like a 21 year old. That it’s not me but her who needs to mature and grow up. That is great and all I told my IC but this still hurts.

R2C I love Joan you are good at saying we need to express those emotions. Obviously when we are alone. I always feel better after a good cry. I have cried more this past year than my 41 years of life. I just keep telling myself things will eventually get better. I am just running out of patience. Thank you everyone for talking to me it always feels good seeing all of your responses!!!! Hugs to all!!!

[Ready2Change]

Actually I’m kinda shocked my w is not physically attracted to me. If she is, man she is good at hiding it.

I believe you are still somehow in beta behavior around W. It is about your behavior, not your looks. How you respond and interact with her. You are letting fear control you. She senses this. Or you are pursuing her indirectly. Or a combo.



Have you read "the art of seduction" yet? How about "the four agreements"?