Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[LH19]

C,

First off I want to say that I think you are doing great under your circumstances.

I think the problem you're having is when your reading DB and other situations you are not understanding the differences in the situations. I never have hid the fact that I think your W is the lowest of the low of WWs. The disrespect she has shown you over the last year is despicable. You can't be accepting these invites into her house for a drink or invites to BFFs apartment.

Convos about kids and finances nothing else.

I am going to suggest to you that before you go to the final ultimatum that you try some tough love first.

Start with giving her two weeks to get her horse off your property. Start with " W I've been thinking about it and this arrangement isn't working for me anymore".

of course if you decide to go ultimatum run the scenario by the board. N

[joejoe1]

Curt,

I agree with LH. You are too available to your WW. You are ALLOWING the disrespect to occur. This is how I see it. If you are going to allow the disrespect to occur, them it will continue. When you stop it, it will stop. From everything you have wrote, you are the best friend of your W and her BFF. You are their best friend, I know that don't feel good.

So, it your decision to eject out of that sitch. Like LH said, please stop accepting her invites for drinks and apps. And allow her to figure out what to do with her animal.

Joe

[AnotherStander]

I have noticed a slight change in her behavior over the past month. This started a few days before I left with the kids on our vacation to California. W has been much more apt to start up conversation about inconsequential topics such as home improvement projects at her affair house, changes she noticed around my house on things I’ve bought or rearranged, the plight of divorced BFF, and other general chit chat.

That's consistent with the "I just want us to be good friends and coparents" philosophy a lot of WAS's take up.

The place is a real DIY nightmare, but it’s hers and she gets a sense of accomplishment in that she hasn’t had to rely on anyone else. I do believe the feeling of independence is important for her self-esteem.

Yeah I think a lot of WAS's feel like they've been chained down or held back or whatever by marriage and just want to prove to themselves that they can make it on their own. My XW said that was a big motivating factor of hers.

I’ve been busy coaching S8’s baseball team. S8 is somewhat of a phenom, has been athletically gifted since 2 years old. He led his team to two tournament championships in the past couple weeks. In the first weekend tournament he hit 7 homers in 5 games. Afterwards, he called my dad and told him this was the best day of his life. Made me smile, but sad that his mother wasn’t there to see it. Then, this past weekend’s tournament he hit 4 homers and 4 triples in 4 games. Again, mom was a no show.

Fantastic! Regarding your W not being there, unfortunately you can't make her be a good mom. If she chooses to be a crap mother then you've just got to double down on being a great dad.

Time to work on the final confrontation speech and get D paperwork prepared. Moving forward...

Confrontation speech? I'm curious what your intent with that is, are you hoping it will snap her out of it? If you're done then file, no need for speeches. The speech will not accomplish anything. Listen to your own advice! This:

How should you act? Calm, cool, and collected, because remember, you are NOT losing anything IF the midlife spouse decides to go ahead, and go on with the affair partner. That would be the worst mistake the midlife spouse could make, but hey, it’s their mistake, not yours. You’re letting them have what they say they want, because you know you can’t make them break up with the affair partner, and return to you–you can’t control them, their wants, their needs, nor their desires. You can only decide to remove yourself from an equation they tried to create for the purpose of keeping themselves entertained, and happy.

There you go, simply remove yourself from the equation, what do you think that would look like?

[MrBrside]

Curtis,

LH is bang on - And its been said before.. Tough love.. Especially the horse thing...

To truelly detach, get her away from you.. She is using you / playing game -

I don't believe it will wake her up. I personally feel that she will just try different ways to expolit your niceness / character and come at it from other angles.. She likes her cake too much - with the icing on the cake being her friend, who validates her on every decission... She cant be in the wrong, its all you, hes a jerk... it cant be me !! - because best mate agrees with me..

Like i mentioned before, she has lost nothing

At the moment she has the best of every situation( in her twisted head )

She has the kids "when suits", she has you being "friendly / drinks / still being positive" , she has the OM / multiple OM, she has her new love pad, she has the horse at your place and she has the best mate validating her ever irrational thought.. But at the moment, this is her new norm and its what she wants...

[curtis7]

LH, JoeJoe, AS, HelpMe,

You are all correct. I’ve made myself too available to her. I’ve slid right inline as her friend and co-parent that enables her A’s, validates her poor choices, and provides emotional support when she wants it. This clouded my ability to see what was really going on. I now accept reality for what it is. I am not Plan B, C, D, E or even F for that matter. She has a half dozen guys that she is juggling right now. I think of the Stockdale Paradox, unwavering faith that I will prevail, with or without her, but be brutally honest about the reality of the situation.

I plan to remove myself from the equation. I don’t want to be her friend. No true friend lies, cheats, disrespects, and gaslights you at every turn. I don’t want her around me. The horse needs to go. She can contact me if there is an emergency with the kids.

[MrBrside]

She has a half dozen guys that she is juggling right now.

I wouldn't even give this a second thought - 1 or 21.. Not your problem any longer.. Switch off from it and think Kids / enjoy life..

I plan to remove myself from the equation. I don’t want to be her friend. No true friend lies, cheats, disrespects, and gaslights you at every turn. I don’t want her around me. The horse needs to go. She can contact me if there is an emergency with the kids.

Good plan - stick to it and stick to your guns.. It does get easier... Get rid of that horse lol

[Destroyd]

Turn the horse into glue!

[IHCLACS]

Turn the horse into glue!

I heard that Wilbur and Mr. Ed are looking for a companion to mate with...lol.. What's the horse's name anyway? Floosey? Sorry I couldn't resist....

[curtis7]

There is more that I’ll share another time

Here is the more from last night. W came over to ride her horse. S8 started asking me questions if we were going to have to move and when he was going to stay at moms again. He must be getting more keen on picking up on vibes that W and I are giving off through this process. I need to be more diligent about keeping a PMA around the kids so they feel safe. I told him I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but right now there are no plans for us to leave this house.

W also told me on Sunday that she was doing better mentally and she thinks she will be ready to take the kids back in about a week, so full custody was short-lived. I now have a pretty good idea why she didn’t want the kids around for awhile. That’s another story, but let’s just say it seems she made a poor choice in partners.

I shared the living arrangement plan with S8. In the past, almost daily, I would reassure both kids that I love their mother, how important she is to me, and that she needs time to figure things out. This time, as detachment continues to improve, I told S8 that he and D4 were the most important people in my life. He noticed the change in my wording by leaving W out and it upset him.

S8 went outside to say goodnight and goodbye to W. D4 also went outside, then she came in and said mom wanted to talk with me.

I went out and W asked me why S8 was crying and if I told him we might have to move. I said no and explained what I said which he must have interpreted differently. W agreed that S8 can be manipulative and has been known to exaggerate to get what he wants. W wanted me to stay and talk about co-parenting and other things the kids might have said. I told her I didn’t think it was appropriate to share and that I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation with her. She continued to press and said she had a right to know.

I stood there and thought about it for awhile, then refused to disclose any of things they have told me confidence. I told W that I’ve shielded her from several things they’ve said, she kept digging and again said she had a right to know. I just said the kids sense things and I try to reassure them but can’t make any promises or tell them everything is going to be ok from now on. I told her that it goes against my beliefs to violate their trust or lie to them.

She said I could do a better job of massaging the truth with them so they feel safe. I told her I do what I can to let them know that she loves them. She asked if this arrangement is no longer working and I told her I’m not sure and would have to think about it.

She seemed surprised that this all came about a few days after them being away from her. She said she is a bad person and a narcissistic bitch. She said she is tired of people telling her she’s not. She didn’t get any sympathy from me. I told her that I’ve noticed she is a different person since this all started and this is not the person that I knew for so long. She said maybe this is who she truly is. I said you might be right. Didn’t try to convince her otherwise. She said she’s confused and doesn’t know what she wants.

She refused to share why she wanted me to take the kids. She said she had an epiphany much like I did when she gave me the BD letter. She brought up the time I came over in early May to confront her. She remembers me saying that I don’t want to live in an open marriage and she said she didn’t either, which I now understand means she doesn’t want to be married to me, so that she no longer needs to live in an open marriage if there is no marriage.

W said she’s dealing with a lot of problems right now. I asked if she was seeing someone about that or getting help from an IC. She said no and that her free sessions ran out. I offered her my company sessions and she said she would think about it and would probably go back to the same MC we saw in January that was pro-D...great.

She said we’ve only been separated for just over 3 months and that’s not a long time. She said between her projects, work, the kids, and everything else that she hasn’t had time to figure things out. She kept using superlatives like always, never, everything about our past. Still dwelling on the negatives. She felt like nothing at our house was hers and that everything was given to her. I told her that I acknowledge that we would have none of this if it wasn’t for the two of us working together to obtain it for so long. I told her it took a lot of courage to leave and could see that she likes the independence and knowledge that everything she has over there is hers alone. She said she recently thought how much easier it would be to come back for the materialistic things but she doesn’t know that she wants that anymore.

I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to share right now (pretty sure she knew I was implying coming clean about the OM). She thought long and hard about it silently for about a minute with her eyes twitching back and forth. I was just looking at her in disbelief and knew the answer that was coming. Then she finally said no and that she was going to leave. I said ok, turned around and walked in the house.

She honestly believes that I don’t know what she’s done with these multiple OM. She thinks all I know is that she texts them. I had no desire to keep that lying, deceitful woman in my presence any longer. She can go find her green grass. I just wish I didn’t have to lose out on half my kids life because of her selfishness. I remained calm and fairly confident throughout, thought through my words carefully, tried to maintain my composure and validated her feelings occasionally. I spoke about my feelings a couple times and tried not to make it accusatory towards her or her character.

I’m disappointed that I allowed this talk move from the kids/parenting to her to a bit of relationship issues. Fortunately, I mostly listened and avoided escalation or saying too much. She was visibly shaken and near tearing up when she realized the kids are feeling the impacts of her choices and also when she talked about not being able to figure out what she wants.

I feel somewhat at peace with everything, the betrayal numbs the pain. Her choices have taken so much of my love and respect away from her. She can go be happy with OM and divorced BFF, I want something better and more honest and moral for myself and my kids.

[curtis7]

Let’s call that post part 1, part 2 will include scripts for the possible confrontation that gives her the choice.

OK, here is where part 2 begins. I have compiled scripts and excerpts from my research on 100's of sitches. The posts that follow will be broken up into several parts by groups of members due to the length. DBers may benefit from these consolidated scripts at some point in the future. Hopefully, others find this to be a helpful resource.

For me personally, I'm still working on my script and will share to receive community feedback soon.