Yes, she picks fights, but less so since separation. But when she does pick a fight I spend a LOT of enegry to not be dragged down, to stay distant, and to stick to the situation. She loses steam and then typically ends the flight with "I just can't live with you". One a week ago was where my daughter came to me upset that wife wouldn't stop pushing her on a swing even when my daughter said stop. I just causually told my wife that the daughter was upset that you didn't stop when she said stop. Oh boy. A 30 minute tirade of excuses, complaints about the daughter, sarcasm, and blaming my daughter for "playing me". I also stopped her many times from bringing up the past. I told my wife that she is choosing to react this way and that she could have said "that's not what happened", "I'm sorry I'll talk to her", or "thank you". Two days later the same fight happens again. Which is odd. I know she felted shameful and did apologise to my daughter.
Wow OK so she clearly has some issues! Sometimes I read stuff like this and wonder why the LBS wasn't the one that dropped the bomb!
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Just recently she started to avoid me and said point blank I phyiscally make her ill, and I'm a nice guy, but there is no chance of reconciliation.
Believe it or not this is not at all unusual. Sometimes it shocks people here when we tell them their WAS doesn't like them, may hate them, and probably even finds them repulsive. But that's a reflection on how she feels at this moment in time, it can and will change with time. However, you have to act and speak now with this in mind. Obviously you don't want to pursue and be needy to someone that feels ill at the sight of you. The ONLY thing that works against that mindset is pulling back and giving her lots of time and space.
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She said she dreds me coming home each day. But then I can say with confidence in a couple days time she will be happy that i'm looking after the kids. I just see this as the polarised extremes which I'm told anxious people have.
I'm not saying she is or isn't anxious, but it's actually pretty typical for a WAS to despise the LBS and want nothing to do with him, but at the same time enjoy some cake-eating of letting him do things for her. Don't be confused though, she's not waffling between pushing you away and pulling you back. She is DONE right now and that isn't changing (but it may much later).
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I always tell her my love is unconditional and will stay that way regardless of how we end up.
Try not to say things like that anymore, saying things like that is pressure on her and she wants zero pressure right now.
Sounds like Boarderline Personality Disorder or BPD to me. It's emotional regulation issues ranging from characteristics or benign to malignant. The anxiety is caused by fast paced thoughts, not having enough emotional release, compulsive thinking , and extreme thinking and thought hopping which is going on in the back of the person's mind even though it may not be relevant to the situation at hand and time. People with mild forms of ADD also have this. Hence "The Jeckyl and Hyde Effect"
I've read the no more Mr. Nice Guy book. Wow, so many behaviours that relate to who I was and so many more I need to fix. I can really relate, especially the avoiding sex part. That was the biggest complaint from my W and I could never figure out why. Now I'm really craving it.
Wonder about thoughts on my current sitch. Things have been well since I backed off all affectionate touching and hugs. No more thinking about you sms or nice postits before work. It feels like we are married sans anything physical. I'm on a family holiday and we've been sharing a bed. First time in 9 months. W has been dropping little barbs like I snore too much, forgot how that ruined my life. My POV is she never set the boundary. No touching in bed, nice chats, all good. Well today at dinner she said she hates it, I have to sleep on the couch, it's been stressing me this trip, thats why im eating lots of chocolate. Oh and we are friends and "I'm single". She's mentioned the friend thing before, but first time she said single. She also reminded me (again) she wants to move out with kids.
I'm detached outside (but hurting inside). I say ok, I understand, no Im not upset, your choice, out of my control, you know how I feel. Felt like she was trying for an argument. I said I was going out and I'll be late (you know GAL. Since I'm single according to her, why not? I didn't know where to go because I'm in a foreign city but I had a fun night having ended up in a bar and chatted up some locals).
Feels to me she wants an argument. She admitted again I've changed and I wonder if she's fishing for an argument so she can justify her decision. I also admitted I'm happy while I see her not.
I'm really going up and down in emotions because I don't think I've fully detached. I feel removing my wedding ring (she did so months ago) might be a symbolic effort to show detachment. GAL for me is hard because I dont have friends anymore and I just go out solo.
Wonder about thoughts on my current sitch. Things have been well since I backed off all affectionate touching and hugs. No more thinking about you sms or nice postits before work. It feels like we are married sans anything physical. I'm on a family holiday and we've been sharing a bed. First time in 9 months. W has been dropping little barbs like I snore too much, forgot how that ruined my life. My POV is she never set the boundary. No touching in bed, nice chats, all good. Well today at dinner she said she hates it, I have to sleep on the couch, it's been stressing me this trip, thats why im eating lots of chocolate. Oh and we are friends and "I'm single". She's mentioned the friend thing before, but first time she said single. She also reminded me (again) she wants to move out with kids.
First of all, detach. Don't let her get to you, and stay cool. Lots of people snore, so what? Some are also flatulent...
If she hates it, she can sleep on the couch. She's the one with the problem, so she should be doing something to fix it, not making you work around her. So you stay in the bed, be calm, and prepare for her to be mad about this. Don't let it stress you, reread the detachment thread, go for a walk, do something fun. Forget her. Really, forget her. Do things for you. Enjoy your holiday. Holiday is how y'all say vacation right?
As far as her saying she's single I would just use that moment to boot her out of the bedroom and tell her that she isn't your "friend". Of course she wants to argue, she needs you to be mean to justify all her crap. Don't serve it up. Don't worry about not being fully detached, you probably aren't but just keep on working! I am an advocate for removing the wedding ring. It shows her something, but more importantly it removes a burden from your head. Put it somewhere out of sight and leave it be IMO. If she's in rebellion mode, saying she's single and y'all are friends, wearing that ring shows her you're still trying, hoping, wishing....don't give her that.
I think you're doing a great job detaching and GAL. Good on you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Wonder about thoughts on my current sitch. Things have been well since I backed off all affectionate touching and hugs.
One of Michele's basic rules is keep doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work! If things are going well then maintain the status quo on that front.
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I'm on a family holiday and we've been sharing a bed. First time in 9 months. W has been dropping little barbs like I snore too much, forgot how that ruined my life. My POV is she never set the boundary. No touching in bed, nice chats, all good. Well today at dinner she said she hates it, I have to sleep on the couch, it's been stressing me this trip, thats why im eating lots of chocolate. Oh and we are friends and "I'm single". She's mentioned the friend thing before, but first time she said single. She also reminded me (again) she wants to move out with kids.
Family holidays are just too much pressure on a WAS. She doesn't like you right now, she may even hate you. Every little thing rubs her the wrong way. So a family vacation will have you in front of her WAY too much. Don't plan anymore such events. That will have to wait until such time that she starts to like you again, which is a long ways off.
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I'm detached outside (but hurting inside). I say ok, I understand, no Im not upset, your choice, out of my control, you know how I feel. Felt like she was trying for an argument.
Sounds like you are listening and validating, so good job! She more than likely is looking to start a fight, so that's a good way to defuse things.
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I'm really going up and down in emotions because I don't think I've fully detached.
It takes a while, be patient with yourself! It took over a year after separation for me to really detach. There were many times along the way that I THOUGHT I was detached, but realized later I still wasn't.
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GAL for me is hard because I dont have friends anymore and I just go out solo.
Check into Meetup.com, many LBS's here swear by it. It's a good way to meet new people and do things you've always wanted to try. But that said, there's no harm in having solo GAL activities (you should strive for a mix of both). GAL is anything to get you away and get your mind on other things.
Well I'm on the couch since I got home late. I'm too nice, yeah, she should sleep on the couch! Still work needed to shed Mr. Nice guy I see. Ring disappears tomorrow and should be interesting because I also bought some new clothes. I'm going to ask for her to sleep on the couch tomorrow night since she has the problem. Nicely put, and I'm going to use those words. That level of assertiveness would also be a 180 for me. And I'll be vague about what I've been up to last night. You know "I'm reflecting".That would be a 180 too. Last time I was vague about going out the curiosity just killed her!
Unfortunately this trip was planned before she announced the separation. In two days we move on to another city and she wants to have it so one kid sleeps with an adult. Fine by me.
Meet ups was mentioned to me by a local crisis line which I used once. I'll give that a go.
Someone commented why LBS (me) didn't walkaway earlier. Well, because I had no concept of boundaries nor emotional intelligence. Yeah, i should have addressed that years ago but I simply did not have the ability. Only now after 3 failed relationships and pending 2nd failed marriage, do I realise that Mr. Nice Guy is a consequence of emotional neglect. And Mr. Nice Guy liked unstable, emotional women because he had none of that in his life (first time I describe myself in 3rd person!) I don't blame myself for this, just glad I found it out now. And you know what? I'm not sure if W is really suitable for who I now am becoming. IC warned me of this. I really feel now that unless she can make enough changes (so far minimal) my needs need to be filled elsewhere. In otherwords she can't satisfy what I now need in a relationship. And I see her thinking about my boundaries too. First time I see she caught herself about to blame the kids on something she did. Was quite proud because the last time she did that I said you can't have our kids own your emotions, that's your problem!
Anyhow, helpful to get such quick responses. Feel more positive and energised to take on the day. This is why I like this forum!
Sounds like Boarderline Personality Disorder or BPD to me. It's emotional regulation issues ranging from characteristics or benign to malignant. The anxiety is caused by fast paced thoughts, not having enough emotional release, compulsive thinking , and extreme thinking and thought hopping which is going on in the back of the person's mind even though it may not be relevant to the situation at hand and time. People with mild forms of ADD also have this. Hence "The Jeckyl and Hyde Effect"
Looked up impulsive borderline personality and that has a pretty good description of W. She's definately anxious and with narcissistic tendencies but she does not have all characteristics so who knows. Never would I bring it up, she didn't talk to me for two weeks when I suggested years ago she had PND (which she did and admitted years later).
I'm going to ask for her to sleep on the couch tomorrow night since she has the problem. Nicely put, and I'm going to use those words. That level of assertiveness would also be a 180 for me.
I wouldn't ask her anything, just sleep in the bed. If she complains then listen and validate, but stand your ground that you're sleeping in the bed.
"I'm sorry my snoring bothers you."
"Then you'll sleep on the couch?"
"Heh heh! No I'm sleeping here."
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Unfortunately this trip was planned before she announced the separation. In two days we move on to another city and she wants to have it so one kid sleeps with an adult.
Ahhh yes. After BD my XW found a thousand reasons that she HAD to sleep with one of the kids. I imagine that's what's going on, it's an excuse for her not to sleep in the same bed as you.
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I really feel now that unless she can make enough changes (so far minimal) my needs need to be filled elsewhere. In other words she can't satisfy what I now need in a relationship.
If that's the case then so be it. Just make sure you do something to break the pattern next time!
Josh, you cannot nice her back. All being "nice" will do is make you look weak and unworthy of respect. Which means she won't be reattracted to you. Women's attraction follows respect.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
