back at work this week. D fell at camp and I had to bring her to work for an x ray and luckily she was fine. It benefits tonwork at a hospital and one close to home, I went back to work and still got out on time.
then M tells me his mom fell at work and hurt her wrist and he is taking her to the hospital ( the one I work at) it’s broken and she stayed and is having surgery today. Thisnpoor woman. M is supposed to be leaving for vacation Saturday. I have no idea if he still is. I’m going to go visit her today. If he is going I am going tonoffer to help her out since I will be home and childless.
I offered to come by, bring a bite to eat, or get stuff from his house last night. He never answered about rhebhite to eat and he said he would grab the stuff because he had to stop at home. But first when I said “let me help” his reply was “how”. I guess my superpower is that I show up. I will do anything and drop anything for someone who needs me even if it’s to show up and give emotional support. I can’t help people by fixing things, but I will always show up, even if it’s to be there by your side. That’s what I did with his tooth ache. Got him an appt, went to the store and got him some soft foods.
But it may not be a big deal to some people. He was thankful at the time of his tooth though. I am just a helpful person. I know what it’s like to be alone , not have much help and want some support. So I try to give it when I can.
Illl justbgo behind the scenes and make sure she gets the VIP treatment. This is gonna be tough.
I have been reading along and not really knowing what to say. It seems clear that you and M speak very different love languages and that is not necessarily a bad thing. I have that same issue with Sparky, but the difference is that when I tell Sparky what I need and I listen to him about what he needs, we actively work together to meet the other's needs. M doesn't seem to do that. Again, not at all saying he is a bad guy for that, but it gives me the feeling that he has just never put that kind of effort into a relationship or at least hasn't in a long time and so is possibly out of practice.
Then, just in the past few days, I read something that really jumped out at me. It was talking about how we get so caught up in figuring out what our love language is that we sometimes forget to speak to our partner in THEIR love language. We think we know what theirs is and we may or may not be right. The thing I read REALLY made me take pause and go wait, what? Do I do that? I know what mine is. I know how I like to be "handled". And, I know how I typically "handle" other people, but in a relationship, I do think it is important to go that extra mile and make sure that you are dealing with the person in the way that best suits them.
Having said all that, I don't know if that is the issue with M or not. And, I'm not even necessarily saying it is. I'm just giving you a little food for thought, I suppose. I can't speak for him, but I always appreciate when people show up for me, regardless of when it is. That's a big deal to me, so I try to be that person for people too.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
But first when I said “let me help” his reply was “how”.
So the message here is, he doesn't "receive" your Acts of Service. Do them all you want, but don't expect him to perceive them as statements of love because that's not his love language. (If he DOES Acts of Service for you, his Love Language is probably words of affirmation).
It's fantastic that you are willing to leap in and save his vacation by taking care of his mom, but it might be best to step back and wait to offer that until you see what he's going to do.
I "speak" acts of service (and I think, like most, I do them hoping to hear Words of Affirmation). I wasted a lot of time in my marriage doing things for my ex that meant nothing to him.
I absolutely do think he speaks to me in his love language. And I have spoken to him in every single love language and I still don’t know which it is, I think words of affirmation may be right.
I was glad to help, because that’s what I do. He told me when I came through for the tooth thing that I really outdid myself and he was so appreciative . And I went and saw them after our rounds and visit for a bit. I sat down next to him and he put his hand on mine. We then had a late lunch together at the hospital when she was in surgery and I sat with him for a bit in the waiting area. He seemed appreciative, receptive and also kissed me. He is going away because his brother comes home from his business trip tomorrow. She came out of surgery well and should be going home shortly.
I realized what upset my sooooo much. It wasn’t that I wasn’t going to see him. I really wanted to, but that wasn’t why I was so upset. It was how fast he blew me off without seeming to care he wasn’t going to see me. If he would have said “ I have so much going on this week, I don’t know I can it, but I really want to see you too and I will try my best” I would have been disappointed rather than hurt. I just needed to know he wanted to. When it felt like he couldn’t care less, that’s what hurt me so bad.
Anyways, I’m going to leave this in the past and let him just go on vacation and be peaceful. He needs this. Maybe he will miss me and be anxious to spend some time with me when he gets home. We will work this out. It seems as if we have forgiven and forgotten and moving forward.
When he calls you from his vacation (if he does) put some loud music on in the background before you pick up the phone and act like you're at a party!!!! Let him wonder what you're up to lol!
Hey Ginger...so in your 2nd to last post I think its great that you were able to dig down into what specifically bothered you about not being able to see him. I know he's away, but have you two yet been able to have a conversation where you've been able to share that with him? Even to an outsider, yeah for sure the speed with which he blew you off in your reqeust was <facepalm>.
LOL well this weekend you are will be having a blast! Nashville is one of my favorites places in the world. Whether you can reach him or not, if he's smart and has fall for you...knowing that you are there partying he WILL be thinking about you ALOT.
Thanks, B! He actually leaves today and I leave on Thursday. It’s going to be a lot of fun and we have some good awesome things planned. I really only get 2 full days there, but my liver probably wouldn’t be able to handle more.
M invited me over last night. He got done early. I went to his house, we hung out with his mom for about an hour and then hung out on the patio for a while and I slept over. It’s been a while since we slept in the same bed all snuggled up. And you know what else. We were talking and he told me when he has a lot to do in a little bit of time, that’s when he becomes frazzled. Otherwise he’s the most chill guy you will meet. And he indicated that’s what it was all about this week.
His mom is a generally quiet lady. But she’s very much opened up with me and we were cracking up last night and poking fun at M together. She always likes to tell me what a good girl D11 is. Which I take as a compliment likewise.
He usually does come through. What it comes down to is I think we both realize we got a great thing within each other. Tons of love there. We talked about some plans we wanted to make with the kids when he gets back. His eyes light up when he talks about something him and D11 shared. The two of us could chill and talk forever. And when sex does happen it’s amazing.
And D11 texted me this morning that she loves me so much and she’s going to miss me so much and told me to have a good trip. She’s my heart.
We are under an excessive heat warning here so I plan on staying home pretty much all weekend and cleaning and organizing . They even cancelled the NYC triathon. The air is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I had thought about taking myself to the beach, it it’s even too hot to do that. So I might as well be productive.
I feel better. The toughest parent for me was feeling like he couldn’t give a poop if he spent time with me or not, not the inability to do it. And I think he did care. He just got overwhelmed. We had a really nice night last night.
I had to leave before he fully woke up to tend to my door, but he woke up enough to say goodbye and I left him a love note in all the stuff he packed. He got it. He said he’s really going to miss me.He’s going to the middle of nowhere alone and I’m a little concerned. May or may not have WiFi or cell service. My daughter is traveling in the opposite direction for vacation today. She sent me a text telling me she’s really going to miss me too and that I’m the best mom who always puts her first.
I read your thread, J9 about the doctor wanting to marry you. I swore I never saw myself getting married again, but a lot of people have been asking me if marriage is in the future with M, and I would absolutely marry him. It’s kind of complicated with our logistics, and I don’t think he will ever do it again because of how badly he got screwed. But the. Again, he explained to his son what a bonus mom is and a bonus sister. He refers to all of our activities together as “family” activities, and we had something that was wedding cake flavored last night and he said “ have some wedding cake, dear” just a joke, surely, but we may live together as husband and wife one day even if we don’t make it legal.
But we don’t really discuss the future clearly, but we are both going in the same direction. We both said to each other we are in this for the long run. Time will tell what that looks loke
