Persistent Endurance (Part 4)

[MrBrside]

Curtis,

I cannot get my head around why any mother would send that type of message..

If you can work the full custody thing ( with work etc ) jump at the chance. I dont think it will be plain sailing for the children, as in their head they will probably see that there mum doesnt want them etc, but thats out of your control - Just be the best dad you can for them...

But at the same time, is it futher cake eating from the WW.? .. ie get you to take the custody while she has her fun...

ie

she decides she wants to see the kids today.. Not a problem, ill go round the house and ride the horse and see them then... when it suits ME... the leave you to sort the food, clothes, washing, baths, homework, schools runs... and shes off to OM54 or OM55...

If you were to consider this, i would consider strong boundaries ( which you need to enforce ) relating to as and when she visits.. in relation to both the children and the horse.. Otherwise its all on her terms as per usual.

[SteveLW]

helpme, good call. Once he has full custody post-D, then they can set up a visitation schedule.

[curtis7]

I cannot get my head around why any mother would send that type of message..

But at the same time, is it futher cake eating from the WW.? .. ie get you to take the custody while she has her fun.

I am really struggling with why she would send this message as well. Of course, we know logic isn’t at the forefront of the WW mind. I’m not sure she really ever wanted kids, but she knew I wanted them, so we did. She was an excellent mother and tried to put the kids first for a long time.

The optimistic side of me wants to believe that she is really battling some inner demons and wants some time and isolation to figure it out. However, the pessimistic side of me thinks that this is to free up more time for OM by removing additional interference. Either way, I would prefer more than 50/50 with the kids regardless of her motives.

Curtis, are you OK with full custody?

I am. I love my kids and want them in my life everyday. I’m not out looking for someone else. If that day comes in the future, then my kids are still a priority. I don’t know that I can ever allow another woman to have the power over me that my W had after all that I’ve experienced since BD. The well being of my kids takes precedence.

curtis, jump at this. It is in the kid's best interest to have a stable environment. Sounds like she is unwilling or unable to provide that. So take full custody (document this!) and put your kids first.

Thanks Steve, I agree on stability for the kids. Going to reply now.

[ovrrnbw]

helpme,

Even if it is cake eating, I think Curtis should stay strong and do what's right for the kids. It just shows that she even does not feel fit to parent at the moment. It may help him in custody, but also just goes to show us LBS's how much mental pain the WAS's are in.

Stay cool Curtis, and do the right thing.

[MrBrside]

Even if it is cake eating, I think Curtis should stay strong and do what's right for the kids.

100% agree.. But he also needs to look out for himself at the same time, to ensure he can carry on being the best dad he can be... We all have the same background ( to a degree ) here and we all know how these WW mess with our heads.. Its obvious from Curtis's posts that his WW has no limits on cake eating, and the impact it has on him.

He needs to stay strong, but not let the WW impact on his health / decissions / state of mind.. And i personaly think the best way to do that is to try and limit the damage the WW can do we setting boundaries and stop her cake eating / abusing his good nature - things which she has done in the past, and have affected Curtis.. The best way to stop this is to not let her actions impact / control you.

Curtis, like i mentioned on one of your posts, reducing the contact will also help you with detachment. You can then focus on your children and not what she is doing.

[curtis7]

W didn’t respond to my text. I took S8 to baseball practice, then brought him over to her affair house afterwards. W wasn’t there quite yet as she was still at my place feeding her horse. I waited inside with the kids until she got back. Noticed a new handwritten note on her refrigerator stating something along the lines of “You are toxic to everyone, STOP!!!”

When she arrived a few minutes later she was bright and cheery and didn’t seem dejected at all which was surprising based on her text yesterday morning. She asked me to stay until the kids were showered and into bed. I stayed and said goodnight to the kids, then she received a call at exactly 10pm and she quickly declined it. She engaged in a text exchange for the next 5 minutes. This was interesting as the exact same thing happened at the exact same time 2 weeks ago when we were at a neighbor’s house to wish him well as he was leaving for Europe for the summer. 10pm must be her prearranged time to talk with her AP.

We then discussed her text and the kids. W confirmed that she wants me to take them full time (I don’t have anything in writing yet). She reiterated that she didn’t want to share the details as to what was revealed to her and I didn’t probe further. Those are her problems right now, she knows where the lighthouse is if she’s ever ready. She said she can’t focus on them right now and they pick up on that. She said she feels bad sitting them in front of the TV all the time and also has a short temper with them. She added that divorced BFF thought this was best too (of course). I told her I understand and that I would take them as often as I could. She said she didn’t know how long we would have this arrangement, but she said probably not long, whatever that means.

Her actions show me that the request for me to take greater responsibility with the kids are to enable her to spend more time with OM/GGW. It may be enabling, but I would rather put my kids first right now and keep them in a stable environment where they aren’t being neglected due to her selfish WW.

She can do what she wants. I’m going to keep living my life and making the best of it for me and the kids. I’ve been keeping up with hitting the weights at the gym, playing volleyball a few times week, attending church, reading books, spending time with friends, and coaching youth baseball. GAL is good with the exception of no love life. Having the opportunity to be around the kids everyday and being able to give and receive fatherly love is a good trade off for no sex life right now and keeps me from feeling lonely. Staying grateful and focusing on the positives.

[LH19]

C,

I think it’s really important you get something in writing.

[IHCLACS]

Curtis. You are looking at a parent's perfect opportunity especially being a male with our court system. Get a declaration in writing. Re-assess her condition when you go to D-court and decide to use it or not. Or. You can use it and have her request modification when and if she levels out

[curtis7]

Thought I would share some more recent interaction with my WW. I have noticed a slight change in her behavior over the past month. This started a few days before I left with the kids on our vacation to California. W has been much more apt to start up conversation about inconsequential topics such as home improvement projects at her affair house, changes she noticed around my house on things I’ve bought or rearranged, the plight of divorced BFF, and other general chit chat.

W also mentioned that she deactivated her Facebook account because she was never on there and it’s a waste of time in her life. I know she was on the Hinge dating app for a while that links people up through friend networks on Facebook. Could be she wanted to cut that off or wants to erase the history of our life so OM can’t see LBH in the pics. Who knows.

She has invited me in to her place a couple of times recently and offered a beer or glass of wine and some appetizers. I have accepted most of her invitations when I didn’t have something else to go do. She likes to show me around the house with all the projects she’s worked on and things she would like to change. It’s like she is seeking my approval. The place is a real DIY nightmare, but it’s hers and she gets a sense of accomplishment in that she hasn’t had to rely on anyone else. I do believe the feeling of independence is important for her self-esteem. The things she is talking about at that place will take many months to accomplish so I get the impression she has zero intention of leaving there anytime soon.

I’ve been busy coaching S8’s baseball team. S8 is somewhat of a phenom, has been athletically gifted since 2 years old. He led his team to two tournament championships in the past couple weeks. In the first weekend tournament he hit 7 homers in 5 games. Afterwards, he called my dad and told him this was the best day of his life. Made me smile, but sad that his mother wasn’t there to see it. Then, this past weekend’s tournament he hit 4 homers and 4 triples in 4 games. Again, mom was a no show.

I took D4 to a local them park a week ago. We had a blast. Thoroughly enjoyed bonding with my baby girl. I agreed to drop her at divorced BFF’s apartment afterwards as WW was there with S8. Divorced BFF was friendly (overly), she gave me a tour of her apartment, offered me a beer and appetizer. The behavior of her and WW was all very weird. A lot of reminiscing about the past. She got emotional about her ex not being her friend. I said to myself what did she expect when he gave her the choice to work on the MR and she declined? Divorced BFF also asked about living with me when her lease ran out, I had a dumbfounded look on myself in utter disbelief that she asked that, hopefully it was a joke. WW started getting texts, probably her OM, she engaged in those like I wasn’t even there. I wasn’t going to tolerate the disrespect. I finished the food, stayed pleasant and upbeat, said goodbye to the kids and got out of there.

Now for the hypocrisy, the night before the kids and I returned from the California trip, W told me she was over at our neighbors place for a late night drink. This guy also trains her horse. She told me the story the next day and how he was making some suggestive comments to her. She felt the need to tell me adamantly that nothing happened, which tells me something did (believe nothing of what they say). She said she can handle it and take care of herself. She told him you’re married. I’m married still (not sure what meaning being married to me holds for her). She finished by saying “trust me.” This after in December she was vehement in saying “don’t trust me.” The lies and deceit know no bounds.

She sent a text to divorced BFF that her and I are good friends and co-parents right now. That’s not good enough for me. It could be for a time being if she didn’t continue with multiple OM, but those are her choices. I can only enforce my boundaries with consequences.

Here is what I believe. This is cake eating at its finest. She is taking complete advantage of me and my kindness and sprinkling crumbs here and there while she allows OM to feast on her. She wants me securely in the friend zone and as a co-parent so her secret relationships aren’t exposed or compromised.

There is more that I’ll share another time, but here is where I stand based on most recent developments. I am completely over this. She has had a year since the first EA started, 8 months since the first PA that I could confirm, has been involved with at least a half dozen OM. I’m done. I’ve pushed aside my morals and values for far too long. She’s had ample opportunity to end this behavior. It is now a dealbreaker for me. She can go be happy with OM and divorced BFF, I want something better and more honest and moral for myself and my kids.

Time to work on the final confrontation speech and get D paperwork prepared. Moving forward...

[curtis7]

Here is some good advice in dealing with WW/midlife spouse affairs I had saved in my notes for many months, can’t remember the source so I apologize for not giving proper credit:

When you discover an affair, it becomes an issue of self respect, plus an issue of respecting a decision made by your spouse that you wouldn’t make, but they have chosen to make.

The major lesson the wayward midlife spouse should learn is that no person can ever have it both ways, nor have the best of both worlds. So, because you respect yourself enough not to participate in a triangular relational situation, you simply make it clear that as long as they’re having a relationship with someone else, that they cannot have a relationship with you. Then, you step back, go dark, go silent, do something else, but remove yourself completely from that equation.

No, you’re not giving an ultimatum, you’re extending a choice only the cheater can make. An ultimatum is demanding a choice–you or them…

Only using the marriage as a “fail-safe” or a “fall back” just in case the affair doesn’t work out.

Left behind spouse is only human, and has a clear limit to how far they will go before they might eventually choose to file for a divorce because of physical adultery.

Midlife spouses are often so entitled and arrogant, they really don’t believe they could be “left behind.” Yes, they really think they’re that special, that much of a prize, and why they think that is based on outside circumstances. They have someone to have fun with, while they also have someone who will take care of business. They have it good, while they have two people who want them at the same time. But when they begin losing, and they finally open their eyes to the losing of someone they really did NOT intend to lose–which is the left behind spouse, then things should start to change, although it will take time, before you might see any results.

STOP fighting them, back off, make your intentions known as respecting their choice, and cut off contact with them.

How should you act? Calm, cool, and collected, because remember, you are NOT losing anything IF the midlife spouse decides to go ahead, and go on with the affair partner. That would be the worst mistake the midlife spouse could make, but hey, it’s their mistake, not yours. You’re letting them have what they say they want, because you know you can’t make them break up with the affair partner, and return to you–you can’t control them, their wants, their needs, nor their desires. You can only decide to remove yourself from an equation they tried to create for the purpose of keeping themselves entertained, and happy.

You don’t want them returning because you forced them to, you want them to return because they wanted to.

When/If the midlife spouse finally wakes up, and begins to realize you’re unreachable, they might decide the affair partner isn’t worth their time and attention after all.

They will recognize the affair for the fantasy it is, as their decision and time separates them from the fantasy they’ve been living in.