Sure it makes sense but I would think part of working on yourself would be to practice self control.
The thing is I don’t think you’re ready to throw in the towel and I believe your W is going to ride out this gravy train and keep you in limbo for a really long time.
The recent issue with timeshare with the kids really broke things for me. I'm still sorting out my feelings, anger is clouding everything. I would say I'm ready to throw in the towel but I know that is anger speaking and I need a little time for things to settle so I don't react to raw emotion.
The conclusion I reached last week is the same one I have today: I need to be much more vocal in MC, immediately, about my needs and what I would like to see change. Otherwise I am an idle bystander letting my W drive everything, which will not be productive towards meeting my needs.
I'm assuming I'll just know when I'm ready to throw in the towel.
Hmm?.. Unichen counciling has to be able to work for you too I would take it. What are you're needs and do you think MC and W can and ate willing to meet them in MC session? How is this benefiting you. Something I became self aware of over the last few days. Every time I have a moment of weakness to want to return to the M. I tell myself now to push through it. Realize the past and the person from it is not the present. I tell myself to push through it. Focus on what I want for myself in my life outside of R and carry forward. In that moment if weakness is strength if you are willing to push through it, and take it. Regardless if who divorces who in my sich. I know I will be ok.
IHC - My doubts are not about speaking up, they are about the timing of speaking up.
The NG part of me says: "You're just angry from last week and the timeshare situation, your W needs time to adjust, give her more time and space, she is still very stressed out and worried about money and now is not the time."
And then I think... "DUDE... UC... screw the timetable. It is time to assert how you feel. There are 3 available outcomes, and only 2 are acceptable. It's time to put the 3rd available outcome to rest."
Today's GAL: - 10 minutes of meditation in the morning - Hit the gym after work - Played basketball for an hour after the gym - Met an ex-colleague for dinner
What I didn't really say explicitly in the post is: I've felt pretty emotionally lonely for the last 2-3 years, and in particular the last year. Now I'm living on my own, a lot of time by myself with no kids. Time alone is great, I'm doing social stuff, hobbies, exercise, etc. But suddenly having this time and space reinforces how awful I felt beforehand.
The scary part of the intensity is I recognize behind all the new-found strength there is fragility - it would be really easy at this time to fall into (or seek) an emotional connection with someone else, when what I really need is to focus 100% on myself and my kids. It would be really easy to think "life is too short" and start moving on a little too quickly, if that makes sense.
Hey U (btw what kind of dog do you have? Always wondered...)
I would slowwwww down. Seriously.
This is really traumatic [censored] we are all dealing with. I am in month 11 of limbo, month 4 of IHS. I know for an absolute fact it is going to take me not months, but years to get though or over or past this -whatever happens.
This is why I was telling you before your S to take your time and think. Assess. Figure out what you want. That future R stuff is for the future.
We all need to be really careful not to drag our current mess into any new mess. Take time to grieve. Be sad. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be whatever.
That's all I got today. I am worn out and emotionally incapable of arguing the case for my soft 2x4 but there you have it.
Hey IW - I actually don’t have a dog. My user name is a reference to a song from a band I like, which itself references an old film by an artist my W likes. A surrealist. I thought it perfectly encapsulates the surreal nature of the situation in general. Twilight zone.
I feel for you in the IHS. I did 3 months of that and it was torture trying to GAL in that environment. For better or worse, the physical S has lifted my spirits. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough during the IHS.
It has also given me a lot of perspective. I’m not really intending to throw myself out there. A lot of the intense emotions have subsided. Sadness and worry have been replaced primarily by anger. Not a seething anger. I would call it a healthy anger. I spend a lot of time reflecting on it.
I think about how disconnected I have felt from my W. I think about how the friends I’ve reached out to during limbo have provided more support than my W has in years. I think about defining what I want in relationships, whether with my W or somebody else. I’m thinking less about my W specifically and more what I would want in a relationship in general. I think this focus is because I intend to be more vocal in MC about what I would need in our future MR if we are to somehow work things out.
It’s a weird feeling. I feel like my W and I just went through a breakup. But we still have kids and a house and assets and we are married. It’s like a giant mess is sitting there to be cleaned up. Either we clean it up by starting a new relationship, or we take care of business and go our separate ways. I know either way the cleanup process will bring with it a whole new set of emotional triggers and grieving.
You are right to call me out. I need time to keep working on myself. Part of this process is thinking about relationships and how I can make sure I don’t repeat past mistakes.
I was in limbo for 8 months, my XW moved out 3 weeks after BD. It really [censored] early on (not gonna lie) and there is no way around it. GAL helps but it doesn't eliminate all the pain. I would strongly encourage you to not think about reconciliation, you need to focus your attention on doing things that make you feel good, and start to rebuild your confidence. Take stock of yourself personally from how you dress, how you look, the job you have, etc. If you are fat lose weight, hit the gym. If you dress like a slob then up your wardrobe.
Pay no attention to your W. You wouldn't touch a hot stove would you?
