Well she responded that she sometimes wears the kid rings and sometimes those plus the wedding band. I guess it's optional now?
Guess it is...shrugs shoulders...moving forward with life again...
My W always told me that if we needed a rings to remind us that we were married we were screwing it up. This might have been BS for years. I always wore mine, I didn't really think twice of it when she said it. Maybe she has been cheating for years...who knows. Doesn't make much difference to me. Once or 100 times is cheating just the same. Does it bother me?? Some days I guess, but if that is the life she wants then the desserts will be just for her. I just have to trust that God will help me through it and grant me something better on the other end.
Last edited by LB55; 07/22/1910:16 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Internally I had a complete meltdown. I wrote a bunch of F yous in a journal and threw the book on the floor. I was alone and I went outside and yelled at the top of my lungs till I went hoarse.
SIL talked about it the next day- saying OMG did you see she didnt have her ring on? Her ring???!!!
LB55 - I guess I'm easily triggered by a single thought right now:
"This trial separation has no clearly stated goals, and therefore, will end in a divorce."
The no-ring signal is another sign to me that my W does not intend (at least today) to work on the MR. I asked why? and she answered evasively. I should let it lie. I'm tempted to clarify that I just wanted to understand if there was a message she was trying to convey, but it will only continue to make me look controlling to her.
So bad idea to ask. But it definitely is another emotional data-point that points me in a certain directio
Why are you letting her actions dictate what you think/want/do?
The ring is a symbol. That is it. What it stands for has already been lost. Let it go.
I have already made a pact with myself that if we ever decide to reconcile that I want to move forward with new symbols of our marriage, don't have to cost a ton, but new nonetheless.
I wore mine for a while after BD, probably a month or two. I decided I was only wearing it to show her that I was still interested. I can stand for my M without a ring on. You may be different than me. Mine is in my truck's ashtray with a bunch of quarters and dimes. Its just a chunk of platinum to me anymore.
If she put hers back on tomorrow id notice but wouldn't mean a thing without more action than that.
Quote
"This trial separation has no clearly stated goals, and therefore, will end in a divorce."
You're looking for some sort of controllable outcome based on logical inputs, U. A guaranteed outcome, if you will.
You can't go the other way and make it work either: "This trial separation has goals 1, 2, and 3. Therefore it will end in life happily ever after. The outcome can't be guaranteed. You can however work on yourself...but you already know this.
Go make a list of 50 goals for the trial separation. I guarantee they will not cause nor prevent a divorce. There is your guaranteed outcome.
Last edited by LB55; 07/22/1911:07 PM.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
Why are you letting her actions dictate what you think/want/do?
The ring is a symbol. That is it. What it stands for has already been lost. Let it go.
I have already made a pact with myself that if we ever decide to reconcile that I want to move forward with new symbols of our marriage, don't have to cost a ton, but new nonetheless.
I wore mine for a while after BD, probably a month or two. I decided I was only wearing it to show her that I was still interested. I can stand for my M without a ring on. You may be different than me. Mine is in my truck's ashtray with a bunch of quarters and dimes. Its just a chunk of platinum to me anymore.
If she put hers back on tomorrow id notice but wouldn't mean a thing without more action than that.
Quote
"This trial separation has no clearly stated goals, and therefore, will end in a divorce."
You're looking for some sort of controllable outcome based on logical inputs, U. A guaranteed outcome, if you will.
You can't go the other way and make it work either: "This trial separation has goals 1, 2, and 3. Therefore it will end in life happily ever after. The outcome can't be guaranteed. You can however work on yourself...but you already know this.
Go make a list of 50 goals for the trial separation. I guarantee they will not cause nor prevent a divorce. There is your guaranteed outcome.
Yep. So much this.
There are no guarantees in life.
I woke up and decided every day for 20 yrs to be with W. One day she decided not to. She may say it was not being "in love" or whatever. But it's a decision.
Why are you letting her actions dictate what you think/want/do?
Because I am still not where I need to be.
Most of my head has things clear now. But one area I need to work on is I am still muddied up thinking about MC, and what is the point of going if we are not working on the MR, and why would my W choose not to wear her band to MC of all places? Why are we even going? I know it's a symbol but.... arghh.
And I also get that I shouldn't overreact in the other direction and just give up on the MR. I should act without any expectation of the MR.
One area I've been really good at is exercise. Our MC asked what am I doing to work on myself. I said I've been working out, lifting weights, playing basketball. I don't care one way or another how my W took this.
Originally Posted by LB55
Originally Posted by unchien
"This trial separation has no clearly stated goals, and therefore, will end in a divorce."
You're looking for some sort of controllable outcome based on logical inputs, U. A guaranteed outcome, if you will.
You can't go the other way and make it work either: "This trial separation has goals 1, 2, and 3. Therefore it will end in life happily ever after. The outcome can't be guaranteed. You can however work on yourself...but you already know this.
Go make a list of 50 goals for the trial separation. I guarantee they will not cause nor prevent a divorce. There is your guaranteed outcome.
You are right I fall back into old patterns of looking for SMART goals. I'm an engineer, it's what we do =)
What I really meant to imply was... this trial separation has no direction. I'm not comfortable with that. I don't even know what "We" are supposed to be doing other than acting like we are divorced (or in the process of divorce) except we have merged finances. That's pretty much it. I'm just living by myself enjoying my kid time and, when I'm alone, GAL'ing like crazy, and I'm loving it. I really am. I have my sad moments but I am waaaaayyyy happier than I was at any point in the prior 6 months.
So I'm sitting here thinking... man, this life, it's not so bad. Financially it will be difficult. I won't see my kids as much, but when I do, I'll be fully invested as a single parent. Not the same relationship drama. I'm just sitting here waiting. Working on myself, jumping into hobbies, working out, etc. Looking around wondering... what is our MR even about anymore? My W takes off her ring, acts like talking about pick-up and drop-off times is "working on the MR", wanted me to write a safety plan 2 weeks ago just to have our kids stay overnight at my place.
I'm not freaked out about the ring because of our reconciliation odds. I just feel like we are living a lie right now. Our MR was a lie for the last year, and this "trial separation" is really a divorce wrapped in a lie. That's how it feels.
Then the old UC NGS parasite, the one I thought I locked away deep in my subconscious, unshackles itself and breaks out and starts adding in the doubt: Maybe your W really does want to work on things, but she is scared, and untrusting, and needs some time. Maybe you need to let her live with her doubt, leave the wedding ring alone.... then I snap to it and lock that sucker back in the cage where he belongs. She can do all that on her own time, and what I do isn't going to change it one iota.
I woke up and decided every day for 20 yrs to be with W. One day she decided not to. She may say it was not being "in love" or whatever. But it's a decision.
Live for you, U.
Thanks IW.
I was already getting frustrated with MC and the lack of focus on our relationship as a couple. I can tell my W does not want to go there for now.
When my W showed up without her band on, it makes me lean away from the MR harder. You and LB55 are spelling it out clearly for me -- it should not affect the way I lean one way or the other.
Shoot I gotta run... starting my new "skinny dude needing to add 15 lbs of muscle" weight lifting program today...
I asked my W 5 months ago what she planned to do with her wedding and engagement ring. She wanted to save it for our son. I couldn't help but think to myself. What bad juju. She is cold as ice tonight and focused like a laser. 1st mediation consultation tonight. Sometimes even when I am at my calmer and smile and play in front of S1 and leave her to her constant texting and devices. I can hear it in her voice when she is anxious and pissed off for no reason. Especially when I am calm. In the past she has taken me being calm as snide. The calmer moments like tonight I am when she is upset, the more it pisses her off. Good. She chose this route, now deal with it. Still praying she will have a change of heart someday. I doubt it. This is going down in flames. She can take the lead, and I will counter every step of the way.
No. I was just calm after the mediation phone session. She may have been upset for several reasons. Period. Maybe it was because I asked for 3 years of tax returns. Maybe it was because I decided to do my son's birthday party separate from hers 2 in 2 months from now Who knows? I just put all my attention on my son. You could tell she was deliberately trying not to make eye contact with me after all that, and constantly messaging on her phone.
