Midlife wife crisis8

[Ready2Change]

Hi Wolf,

No yelling required. Calm is best.

Read "parenting with love and logic". Lots of great ways to deal with parenting issues. When you are done, Give it to wife and say:
"I read this and I liked the advise. Would you read it and give me your opinion?"


I picked this line up somewhere and it makes sense:
"Who ever reacts emotionally first looses". Let the child react emotionally. Validate the emotions.

I used the "Draining my energy" statement a lot.

"This is starting to drain my energy, I might not have enough energy to _________"

The blank would be something important. "Take you to the birthday party this friday" starting this at 12 might be more difficult, but doable.

All I would have to say is "Do you want to drain my energy?" and the conflict would USUALLY de-escalate.



In your case, I like the baby sitter idea, but I don't know if it is a good idea RIGHT NOW to leave an unruly 12 yo child with a sitter. The child needs to fear the consequences her parent will give her for being unruly around a sitter.


Do as therapist says. get clarification and feedback next session.



Did you miss the movie? If so, then that is a BIG ENERGY DRAIN. My energy would be so low that I would not have any energy to anything the child requests until they raised my energy back up.





The cell phone is a great discipline. You and W need to be on the same page.

[sandi2]

Why is it they now blame us for everything? Is it to justify their actions? Why and how does a person become so focused only on the negative? Why am I always painted as a bad guy?

B/c she won't/didn't take responsibility for her own happiness. It was easier to hold you responsible, although she did not about her negative mindset. It's all symptoms of developing a wayward mindset. She is hell bent on blaming you for whatever complaint she can find.

Some people are bound & determined to find something wrong with how you do thing. There was this man who could find nothing positive in his W's efforts, no matter how hard she tried to please him. One morning she asked him how he wanted his eggs cooked. He told he wanted one scrambled and the other egg fried. So, she prepared the eggs to the best of her ability and served her H. When he gazed upon his plate of food, he was furious. His poor W asked what was wrong. He said, "You fried the wrong egg"! So, there you have it. There's just no pleasing some folks.



On a more serious note, I don't know what to tell you how to make your D do something she refuses to do. She knows as long as her mother is nearby she doesn't have to obey you. Have you spoken with a child psychologist about how to deal with this problem?

She is at a very challenging age, and I can only imagine how her mother has planted unhealthy seeds in her mind. You definitely needs hands-on practical advice in dealing with both of them. (((hugs)))

[Wolfman]

Good morning. I want to address some of the concerns and questions.
I got off one of my AD from the advice of the therapist. I was on the lowest dose possible. It’s been a week and so far so good. Some withdrawal but since I am aware of it not letting it get me down.

I do go to an IC. I deal with all my problems there. My d also goes to a therapist as well. Both my therapist and my d both say to speak with her and not to yell. The problem is speaking does nothing. Unfortunately my d only responds to yelling. My w yells all the time. I am working very hard not to yell, it’s difficult when it takes 30 minutes to get my d to respond to certain things. I’m not kidding I have timed it. The only punishment my d responds to is taking the phone away.

Sandi, it is so hard to deal with. I am a good man, father and husband and for her to say all head bad things is hard. I try to tell myself I am not that person she try to paint me as. It’s funny I follow the advice on here, GAL, 180, dress well, confident and happy. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. She still will find things that I did wrong or have done wrong.

I was talking to a colleague yesterday. She told me she went through a mid life crisis, she said she was unhappy with everything, blaming everyone for her unhappiness, she said there was nothing anyone could say or do that would change those feelings. She said it took 2 years for her to go through it. She said at the time she didn’t realize it it was a MLC. She said she just had to go though it on her own. She also said it made her question everything about her life. That is where my w is at. The only problem is MLC can take 2-5 years to go through, my w is only at year one.

I struggle with the loss of family. I love my family so much and would never put the people I love through such heartache. She doesn’t realize the long term affects this will have on our children either. My emotional pain is a little less ands it been a year.evidently I have a lot of healing to do. When I’m in the house sometimes I look at the pictures of all the family vacations we went on and wonder, where did that “woman” go? How does she not see all the fun we have had as a family? And to me this is so weird. In the past she complained that it was hard for her to keep up with the house stuff (I did most of the house cleaning), we didn’t go on enough vacations (5 a year) didn’t have enough money to buy whatever, etc., etc, how is d going to make that any easier? It’s going to make it all harder. She is already complaining to me about how difficult it is to take care of the pool. She made a comment the other day about how is she going to do this financially? I guess she would rather struggle with that than be with me and be a family.

[SteveLW]

How is GAL coming along, Wolf?

[Rose888]

Can you give an example of a conversation with your daughter that went on for 30 minutes?

Talking to a child about a subject not of their choosing for 30 minutes is pointless at best and probably counterproductive.

[Wolfman]

Steve it is good. I go to the gym 5 days a week for about an hour and half, play on a baseball team, contacting for of my friends and making plans with them. Something else that I don’t know how it will be taken here. I started to see another woman. We go to dinner and it dancing. She knows my situation and is ok with it. When I am with my kids I take them places and do fun things with them. So GAL is going well.

Rose it was bad of me to even make it go on you long. I asked my d and s to go to an outdoor movie. You can bring chairs a blanket and food. When I told them we were going my s was good with it.
D: I’m not going
M: d it will be fun
D: you can’t make me go.
M: I would really like for you to come it will be fun.
D: it’s boring and I am not going
M: I would leave you home but we will be gone for about 4 hours. I can’t leave you home by yourself for that long.
The place was 45 minutes away and had to stop for food that’s why i would be gone for 4 hours.
D: I don’t care I’m not going.
Well this went on for about half an hour. To the point I had to start to really yell at her because she was not moving. And I took her cell phone away for not listening. I’m telling everyone on the board if I would have been gone for only an hour I would have left her home. Also, I would be getting home at 10:30 at night she just turned 12. I did not want to physically grab her either because that would not be good, so I got stuck there for 30 minutes. To her crying in the car she did not want to go or be with me!! My d IC told us she is one of the most stubborn girls she has worked with and she has been doing this 15 years. And she told us this is only the beginning, that my d will get more difficult. Can’t wait for that.

My sadness comes mostly from the loss of family. I’m not even sure it’s from the loss of my w. Yes it hurts, but not as much anymore. I have been meeting a lot of women and now seeing this one and wow. There are women out there that have the same interests and values. My w and I are complete opposites we always knew that I guess it just finally caught up with us. We always thought opposites attract, I guess for only so long.

[Ready2Change]

I would have "family meetings" to address things. I had to project that I had all the time in the world. 4 teens were a handful.

I would always start with "who wants to get this done quickly?"

I would have a list of topics. Anytime the kids brought up a "distraction" I would add it to the end. Sometimes they lasted 4 hours. The goal was getting their behaviors to change with the threat of a "Family meeting"

Child: Can I go to friends house Friday?
Me: "I was planning on Friday to have a family meeting to discuss the "movie night drama. We need to resolve the first issue before discuss the friends house. Would you like to have the meeting sooner? "
Child "Bla bla bla bla......hate you...bla bla
Me "I am sorry you feel that way. I love you"

[Wolfman]

Lately I have noticed that my w calls me for everything. The pool filter lid was on too tight. The other day she went for a walk a called me that she was almost kidnapped. Called me this morning that my dog was having a hard time getting up. The other day my d was a pain, call d me she felt sick and needed to go to the hospital. Is this considered cake eating? She doesn’t want me as her husband anymore yet calls me for every little thing that goes wrong. Not for nothing I am kinda over it and ready to move on in my life. She has done a real good job pushing me away.

[LH19]

W,

Letting you know your D was in pain and needs to go to the hospital isn't cake eating.

Your over it and ready to move on. Boy that changed quickly!!

[Wolfman]

Whoops I should have re-read that. My w needed to go to the hospital, because she was so stressed out. My auto correct really messes things up. So my w constantly calling me and looking for support is what I am asking? Is that cake eating. Sorry for the confusion.